This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

At first glance, who I saw lying there beneath the comforter looked very much like Alabama. She was still completely naked and her pink hair was hard to mistake. But this girl was much paler than Alabama had been; so pale that her skin looked almost phosphorescent.

She lifted her head in a quick jerking motion and her closed eyes snapped open, but there was only darkness behind her lids. Her lips parted into an inhumanly wide smile, revealing a deep toothless void where her mouth should have been.

I was transfixed by the inky blackness beyond her parted lips and after a moment of staring, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I was able to glimpse something moving inside of her… something with glistening skin and tiny red eyes… and then suddenly she lunged at me.

The last thing that I can remember was trying to back away from this demonic version of Alabama and freezing up as I noticed the glow-in-the-dark strap-on dildo attached to her waist…

I sat up screaming. It was dawn and Alabama (the normal, non-demon version) was lying beside me with a bemused look on her face. “Bad dream, baby?”

I scrambled out of bed and covered my exposed junk with my hands as I began to scan the floor for my pants. That’s when I spotted the discarded strap-on half hidden beneath my bed.

“Oh god, tell me we did not…” I said as I pinched the strap-on’s pleather harness between my thumb and index finger and lifted it up for her to see. Alabama let out a girlish giggle, causing me to shiver as I suddenly flashed back to the night before. She smiled at the strap-on and my heart started to sink.

Finally, Alabama said, “Don’t worry, Pony Boy. Your ass-cherry is still intact… despite my best efforts.”

“And what does THAT mean?” I said, giving her a wide-eyed glare.

“I asked you if you liked surprises and you were all like ‘I LOVE surprises’ and so I told you to close your eyes and then open them again after I put it on and you turned into a total prude as soon as you saw it and started grabbing your ass and shouting, ‘Exit only! Exit Only!’”

I let out a relieved sigh and Alabama slowly shook her head at me as she said, “It’s not really fair, considering all the places I let you stick yours last night.”

“Yeah? I’d apologize but, as it stands, I’m having trouble remembering much of any of that. Quick question: What the fuck kind of pill did you give me?!”

Alabama sat up and her smile became a guilty smirk as she said, “Yeah, that’s my bad. I forgot I’d thrown a few tabs of DXM in with my ADD meds. You ever tried it?”

“I guess I have NOW.”

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