This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

Alabama followed me to my apartment, where I quickly discovered that someone had recently finished off all of the beer in my fridge (the “someone” in question being Past Joel, bane of my existence.) With an apologetic smile on my face, I made my way back into the den and said, “I’m out of beer but there’s a coke machine by the…”

Then I saw Alabama standing there in just her bra and panties and immediately forgot what I was saying. She responded to the look on my face with a devious wink as she replied, “Soda’s too sugary… I’d rather just suck on your cock.”

It may sound cliché to admit, but you can’t make that shit up. Those words are, verbatim, what Alabama said to me. Naturally, I was in no position to deny her request because if I’m anything, it’s a good host.

Now, when I tell you Dear Reader that this was the best sex I’d had in years, know that I am not being hyperbolic. I swear to god, it was like I had somehow stumbled through a portal into Porn Land. For those of you unfamiliar with the intricacies of String Theory, allow me to explain:

“Porn Land” is an alternate reality that exists parallel to our own where all social interaction mirrors that of your average adult film: a dimension where every UPS delivery results in full penetration and innuendos about “big packages.” It is a wondrous place where every man is hung like a circus freak and all of the women are perpetually DTF.

And I don’t mind telling you that Alabama could suck a dick like a goddamn champion. Before we got too ahead of ourselves (pun intended), we switched positions and I spent the next ten minutes or so eating her out while allowing myself enough time to regain my composure after such an intense blowjob.

Now, I don’t want to brag but I’m kind of a cunnilingus grand-master and it wasn’t long before I had Alabama’s thighs quivering against my ears. By this point, she was rhythmically moaning in time with each flick of my tongue and just as I thought she was about to come, Alabama patted me on my head and I glanced up to see a look on her face that was so clear, I could read it like a road-sign…

NEXT STOP: Bone City. POPULATION: Doing it.

Alabama was the kind of lover who knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it, which made everything that much hotter. I held out for as long as I could and made sure to get her off at least once before finally giving in.

We had made our way into the bedroom by this point and I mumbled an apology as I pulled out of her and collapsed onto the bed. “It’s been a good minute since I’ve had my world rocked liked that and my stamina isn’t quite what it used to be.”

She dismissed my apology with a wave and said, “There’s not a moment of what we just did that you need to apologize for… Besides, it doesn’t have to be over.”

Alabama’s eyes widened as she said this and then the beautiful naked girl hurried out of my bed and over to her purse where I listened to her rummage around for several moments. I heard the distinctive hollow pop of a pharmaceutical bottle opening and then Alabama turned back to me, holding out half of an orange pill. “Here…”

She handed the pill to me and I examined the tiny orange half-circle as I said, “What is it?”

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