This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

“This was delicious. Thank you.”

“You are more than welcome.”

“I wish there was some way I could repay you…” she said as I felt her toe trace a line up past my knee, inching closer and closer to what one might call “the danger zone” or more specifically “where my penis is.”

My heart rate increased as most of the blood from my head began to redirect itself elsewhere, leaving me feeling slightly lightheaded. I cleared my throat and went to take a sip of wine. I finished the glass and that’s when I discovered the partially dissolved remains of a pill capsule resting at the bottom of my glass.

I must have looked pretty dumbfounded because Kat immediately asked, “Are you okay?”

I looked up and tried to respond but it was like everything was suddenly moving in slow-motion. From where I was sitting, I could see into the hallway and had a clear view of the closet door opening as Alabama suddenly sprinted out and cracked a metal pipe across the back of Kat’s head while screaming, “HOW COULD YOU?!”

Kat’s limp body tumbled out of the chair and I tried to jump up from my seat, but found that I had lost all control of my limbs. I tried to shout “Holy shit!” but all I could manage to force out of my mouth was a single slurred syllable that sounded like “Hullash…

She had dosed me with some sort of powerful paralytic. My head was suddenly extremely heavy and I started to do a face-plant straight into my pasta bowl. Alabama caught me by my hair and lifted my head up so that she could look me in the eye as she said, “And now you’re just gonna pass out, huh? Typical.”

She let go of my hair and I immediately punched the table with my face. Alabama walked around to my side of the table and leaned me back in my seat as she began to drag the chair, with me in it, into the hallway. Once we reached my bedroom, she dumped me onto the bed and all I could do was lay there as I listened to her fumble around behind me.

It’s funny how hindsight can make your tiniest lapses in judgment seem like such blindingly stupid mistakes. Mistakes you, the reader, would have probably never made. Of course, it’s also a lot easier to see what’s coming when you’re reading about it after the fact. All I could think in that moment was:

Damn it, Past Joel! How could you not know this was coming?



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