This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

SLAM! She swung the door shut with enough force to knock my framed A Nightmare on Elm Street poster off of the wall and then stormed away into the night. After that, I made sure to lock the living room window she had come in through and then double-checked the ones in the bathroom and my bedroom before finally climbing back into bed, where I spent the next five sleepless hours watching shadows dance across the ceiling and waiting for the sunrise.

At about 7:00AM, I received another text from Alabama:

That was a hundred percent my fault and I’m sorry. It was all just a stupid miscommunication combined with the fact that I really like you. Again, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was make you mad at me.

Of course, I didn’t respond. Eventually, I had the bright idea to simply block her number and felt immensely better when it was done. Still, I didn’t sleep for a good day or so afterward and it took me close to a month to build up the courage to check my OKCupid inbox again.

Any sane person would’ve probably given up online dating altogether by this point but, on the other hand, soul-crushing loneliness can be a powerful motivator. After enough coaxing from Elisha (who was the self-proclaimed “Queen of Trolling for Internet Ass”) and assurances that they weren’t all THAT crazy, I ended up exchanging messages with a girl named Kat who seemed genuinely awesome.

The first thing that drew me to her was the Sylvia Plath quote at the top of her profile (“Kiss me and you’ll know how important I am[…]”) and so I sent Kat a DM saying that her quote was a good one but that my all-time favorite Plath line was:

“The comets,

They have such a space to cross.

Such coldness, such forgetfulness…

So your gestures flake off.”

And because quoting poetry is and will always be the ultimate panty-dropper, we were soon making plans to go out later that week. The first date went really well. Not only was Kat attractive and well-read but she also had the cutest English bulldog I had ever seen.

His name was Terrance and on our second date, Kat and I took him to the dog park. I was really starting to like this girl and it seemed like she was just as in to me. I had bragged about being a great cook and so, for our third date, I offered to have Kat over to my place so I could make her a quality meal from scratch.

The dinner came out perfectly and it was starting to look like ol’ Joel might end up getting lucky tonight. Kat had just finished her second glass of wine, which told me that she didn’t plan on driving anytime too soon. My suspicion was then confirmed when I felt Kat’s foot rubbing along the inside of my calf. I met her eyes across the table and she gave me a steamy smile.

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