Online Dating Translations: What Guys And Girls Are Actually Saying In Their Profiles

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I hate online dating and I’m never doing it again. I did meet my last serious girlfriend online, but other than that, I haven’t had much luck.

I’ve had to reject one or two girls because I found them annoying for one reason or another. But mostly I’ve been rejected. I’ve had messages ignored (many times), message exchanges that went nowhere (a good number of times), and coffee dates that went nowhere (a few times).

I’m chalking up 50% of my rejections to being awkward and ugly. The other 50% I couldn’t quite grasp. But now, I get it. Everyone who creates online dating profiles speak in their own language. If you don’t know the language, you have no shot at surviving—whatsoever.

I’ve created a translation guide so you can navigate the tricky world of online dating profiles, and figure out what you’re getting yourself into. Hopefully, it’ll spare you some trouble. I did a guide for girls and a guide for guys.

So here it is. I hope it serves your well and good luck!

Translation Guide for the Guys:

When she says: I have great friends and family, a great career, and now I’m looking for someone to settle down with…

It really means: I’m desperately unhappy with most areas of my life, but I’m hoping that I’ll meet someone through this site and all my worries and troubles will go away.

*

When she says: I love going out and having a good time, but I’m just as comfortable staying in and watching a movie.

It really means: I have no idea what to write and this sounds safe.

By the way, isn’t this….ummm….just about everyone? Find me a person who doesn’t like going out and having a good time, and staying in every now and then. It’s like saying a movie is an hour or so long give or take an hour.

*

When she says: I’m not looking for sex or a hookup.

It really means: Sex and hooking up are awesome, but I don’t want to appear slutty or trashy so I’m adding this line.

Who doesn’t like sex and hooking up? It’s 100% natural. It’s in our evolutionary genes to want to have sex. Of course you’re looking for it. Everyone is.

*

When she says: I’m busy and don’t have much time to meet people so I signed up for this site…

It really means: I’m tired of getting drinks spilled on me and having random guys’ wieners between my butt cheeks in some crowded bar. So I stopped going. Now I’m not sure what to do.

*

When she says: I’m sick of the bar scene. Just looking for someone real. No games.

It really means: I’ve been going to the same handful of bars for the past couple years. I seem to be getting older but everyone in the bar seems to stay 23.

*

When she says: I’m looking for someone who is {list of characteristics}.

It really means: I have no idea what I’m looking for.

This is true. They did a research study where they had people list characteristics of an ideal mate. When they followed them into the real world, the people they were attracted to had very few of the characteristics they initially listed.

People are more malleable than they think.

*

When she says: I joined this site because one of my friends met someone on here.

It really means: My friend spends all her free time with new BF found through this site. Now I’m bored.

*

When she says: I’m a professional model.

It really means: I’m not actually, but I just wanted to play a cruel joke on guys that message me. In fact, I’m actually a dirty old man. Come to me!

Or: I actually am a model, but I get wayyyyy too many messages to respond to you, or anyone for that matter. I’m not even sure why I’m on here…

*

When she says: I’m not expecting much from this site…

It really means: This site is my last ditch attempt, but I don’t want to appear desperate. I have no idea what I’m going to do if this doesn’t work…

*****

Translation Guide for the Gals (Yes, I really did browse guys’ profiles to see what they write.):

When he says: I’m financially stable.

It really means: I have very little left over after I pay the bills in my makeshift living situation.

Very few people are financially stable in their 20s. I’ve lied many times to dates to put on the mask of being “stable.”

*

When he says: I work hard and play hard.

It really means: I’m in a job I hate, and try to forget about it with copious amounts of booze whenever I can.

*

When he says: I enjoy intellectual/stimulating conversations.

It really means: The first time we meet, I’m going to show off how smart I am, and you won’t be able to get a word in because I’m going to keep talking and talking. Oh…and I know of these indie bands you’ve never heard of, but you have to listen to them!

*

When he says: I enjoy staying active and going to the gym.

It really means: If you don’t resemble a swimsuit model, I do not want to hear from you.

*

When he says: I just bought a house or condo.

It really means: I had money, but now I don’t. Why the fuck did I do this? There’s always a weird echo because of this extra empty space I have.

Please come live with me so I can fill my empty place and have someone to talk to! Kids, dogs, cats, garden…whatever you want! Just come live here with me!

*

When he says: I love {insert various sports}. I’m a diehard {insert names of teams} fan.

It really means: The first couple months, I’ll wine and dine you, and try my best to impress. After that, good luck trying to get me to do anything while I’m watching sports in my underwear all weekend long.

*

When he says: I enjoy hiking.

It really means: For some reason all girls say they like hiking in their profiles, so I’m going to add this as a common interest.

*

When he says: I love going out and having a good time, but I’m just as comfortable staying in and watching a movie.

It really means: See above under the guys’ translation guide.

*

When he says: I’m looking for someone who is {insert characteristics}…

It really means: See above under the guys’ translation guide.

*

When he says: I like going out to bars and clubs.

It really means: We’ll probably go out, have a good time, and end up hooking up afterwards.

A few months later, we’ll still go out, but instead of having a good time, you’ll end up walking down the street barefoot with your heels in hand as you sob into the phone asking for your girlfriend to pick you up. Meanwhile, I’ll still be at the bar or club drinking with my boys and wondering what I did wrong. “What? I don’t get it…what’d I do? Ahh…she’ll get over it.”

And you will get over, but the cycle will repeat itself over and over for a period of time until you guys either get married or breakup. If you break up, you’ll get back together again a minimum of two times over the course of a year. Until you either get married or hate each other’s guts you breakup for good. TC mark

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  • Down to a tea

    Brilliant! And actually depressingly accurate. You should do one on online donor profiles and what THOSE guys are really saying *shudder*

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