Application For Feeling Like An Adult (Full-Time Unpaid Position)

How To Be Single

Hiring Committee or Whoever Can Validate Me
1234 Hurry Up & Appreciate My Drive
Quarter-Life Crisis #1
Hustle Town, USA 56789

Dear Hiring Committee:

As a lifelong human, I’m delighted to see your opening for a full-time position of Feeling Like an Adult, as advertised and vaguely described everywhere. The role was recommended to me by society.

I have over 30 years of progressively responsible experience as an earthly being. During this time, I’ve simultaneously managed a surplus of insecurities, developed (and sometimes even completed) numerous self-improvement projects, and balanced a high annual budget of fucks to give.

I believe that my enthusiasm for peer approval, dedication to not being a disappointment to my family, and knowledge of multiple ways to organize a closet — coupled with my experience in living under the patriarchy and getting shit done — make me an ideal candidate for this thankless role.

In my current position as Floundering Young “Adult” in the prestigious Milky Way, I have overcome a wide variety of normal human challenges, including a crippling deficit of career fulfillment, spectacular financial demands within a capitalist economy, and (for a few memorable hours last spring), being the hopelessly single maid-of-honor at my sister’s wedding.

Additionally, I’ve excelled at signing leases for several apartments (each with dishwashers), providing my body with food (often with nutrients), and completing laundry-based tasks (occasionally with little-to-no clothes shrinkage).

Please see my reputation (attached). If I were to finally join the esteemed rankings of Feeling Like an Adult, I’m confident(ish) that I’d be an exceptionally mediocre member of global society. I look forward to hearing from you as I continue to strive for self-actualization and avoid facing the fact of my inevitable mortality.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration! I may be reached anytime at the crossroads of angst and optimism.

Sincerely,

IDK, You Tell Me Who I Really Am
likereally@mycore.pls TC mark

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