To The Guy I Can’t Let Go Of

You broke my heart. I’m sorry but you did and there is no light way of putting it. There were so many signs that this would not end up well. You kept on telling me that you don’t want to hurt me but I still chose to ignore it because I thought you were holding my hand. Apparently, I was pulling yours.

You know what I felt that morning I came back to the hotel and you shut me out, I felt damn hurt. Who does that? You said all these rosy words and when you got me, I was suddenly a different person. I wasn’t expecting you to start a thing with me but you dropping that after everything, that was an a**shole move. It was literally proving that I was important until after I open my legs for you.

I wasn’t looking for a promise or a proposal but I wasn’t just looking for fun either. I really thought you were different. But I would rather let the pain eat me so I can keep you. I stalled ever since then.

I kept quiet but that also back fired on me. You thought I was no longer interested in you. Is that why you went on finding someone else? Was I so easy to give up? I no longer get you, you don’t want me to push myself to you and when I took a step back you thought it was okay to find someone else. It was the worst feeling ever.

You know what’s the worst kind of crying? The silent one. The one no one heard or saw. You feel it in your throat and the tears just blur your vision. I want to scream but I can’t. I hold my breath and grab my stomach to be quiet till I can’t breath anymore. It’s waking up in the middle of the night or jolting awake and suddenly having the desire to cry. I don’t mean the type of crying where tears just roll down your cheeks but the loud kind of cry. The one where the pain just makes you gasp for air as you cry. I ask myself over and over again, what’s wrong with me?

And you know what’s worse, I still hope it’s going to be us in the end.

I can’t believe she was worth more than me. You spent more time with her. Was it because she was ill? I wished you both a lot of bad things that week you visited her. My thoughts were so dark I ended up getting sick. Can I be more important now?

I felt like I was merely walking then a car hit me and left me there. I lay there in the cold pavement, laying on my side. It’s the perfect position to see you find someone and be with them and I’m just there whispering “no” over and over again.

I put on a mask and tell you I am doing fine. I’m glad you believe me. I’m glad you think I’ve replaced you. I’m glad I got better at hiding whatever I’m feeling. Because all this time, that’s what I’ve been doing since you told me not to get too attached.

Where do I stand with you? Where do I want to stand with you? I want to be important to you, goddamn it I want to be special. But I know that wasn’t a place to ask, it’s a place to earn. I couldn’t tell you because I’m so scared if I blurt out what I’m feeling, you’re going to go away. I don’t know what’s more scary, staying or losing you.  But like you said, “I was never there for you to try and make me stay”

You are the guy I tried to get it right with. I wanted to be the perfect fit but the more I tried, the more you pushed me away. I can only stall for so long.

I love you and I would have given everything up to be with you but I have to let you go. I have to accept the fact that you won’t stand with me even if I bleed to death. I have to accept that I can’t have you and I never had you.

So with my best, my very best, I set you free and at the same time I let myself free.