I am five feet tall and I walk with a man who towers over me. He towers over almost everyone. His skin is different from mine. His eyes are of a much lighter color. His features are different from anyone around here.
I could feel everyone, spotting him and looking down on me and have either of the following thoughts:
1. Gold digger
3. Wow, she got a guy like him.
Unfortunately, the first two are the common ones. The third one, almost never. But I cannot blame them.
Some women from my country have indeed married foreign men for a better future. You will hear stories of a girl from the province or from the city who met a guy from a foreign land and her life has gotten better. She married for the better future. Some married because f*ck it, they fell in love. Why is it always the first one? Can’t it be the latter? Everybody will question your taste and assume you have a hidden motive.
I am wearing decent clothes. My things are worth bragging but people would still think I was dressed by the guy next to me. I was groomed and my life “got” better because of him.
My thoughts: I dressed myself. I bought my own clothes. I have a job. My grandmother bought this Louis Vuitton for graduation. And f*ck you, I wasn’t bought. In restaurants, we would be sitting across each other barely touching and the people at the table next to us will stare at us like we murdered someone and got away with it. One time, a woman in her 50s or 60s was sitting next to our table. I would assume she was with her husband. The moment we sat down, she ignored her husband and stared at us for a solid two minutes.
I would put effort to look like I’m at the same level but it will always be negative. It’s always because of money, I am always the one bought, he is always the one who is preying over poor women. People think I’m with this guy because I want something from him. I am not with him because I like him, I am with him for what he has. It’s always that way. There’s no winning.
People look at me with disgust from head to toe and it’s written all over their face: WHORE. They look at me like I ruined something. They look at him like he stole something from our culture. They look at me like I was a worthless girl who had nothing better to do with my life.
Maybe I am trying to win a battle that can not be won. But this is what it feels like to be walking with a guy you like, you are happy but society crushes you to a pulp and degrade you for what your relationship looks like.
This is what it feels like to be a Filipina who’s into foreign men.