Now Is Not Our Season, But My Future Belongs With You

I’ve always asked God what I did right to deserve you –wonderful you. You are the only person I’ve met who makes me feel like I don’t want to be anywhere else, but alongside you.

You tore down the cold, hard walls I built around my heart, and painted my life with the brightest colours.

You were intent in pursuing me because you said that since we met nine years ago, I’ve always been the one you wanted, and that you never lost the feeling of being drawn to me.

You showed me what magic romance can bring.

Our union was like finally laying down on the shore, resting on the softness and warmth of the sand on my cheek after being lost and drifting in the ocean.

You are my best friend, my greatest lover. You are truly more than the prayers I have offered.

I’ve explored the depth of you; I came to know your every side, and I loved you even more for each.

We’ve created a myriad of inestimable memories. For reasons even we did not expect, we ended up baring the entirety of our souls to one another in a way that neither of us have ever done with anyone else.

The components of our lives became so intertwined before we even realized it.

We laid down our plans and dreams on the table, and built them around each other, ensuring that every step we took and every decision we made never excluded the other.

It is merely a year away from now before we would have said our vows and settled down.

It came without a warning.

The storm that was bound to hit us did make its way and we took it hard.

Sadness gripped us. Being apart crippled us.

We died. Every day, we died again and again. The silence that ensued when we parted ways was too loud, but the flame that burned inside us could not be put out.

I remember how the sound of your voice cracked, and how tears streamed down your face as you told me how much you deplore the decision to separate, but you were too lost and weak to even begin mending your own self.

So you pulled away. Your gradual refusal to return my affections inflicted more damage to my already bleeding wound because I still demonstrated love and care towards you, even if you were only too caught up nursing your own hurt.

I held my end of the bargain up. I’ve done my part, done all that I am able to do. I have been faithful to the promises and commitments we’ve made to each other. And I continue to be faithful even though I am no longer bound as of now, even though our relationship is at a gray area. I guess this is what people meant when they said that loving someone entails doing so even when the person is at their lowest. And so I’ll keep loving you during this lowest point, and pray that that will be enough to uplift you once again.

There are days when we feel elated momentarily, but the emptiness always claws its way back out. For each time we reach a peak, we come crashing back down.

When we face other people, we put on a mask of false soundness. Not because we want to beguile those around us, but because we do not want to cause them to feel weighed down and be entangled in this mess. We had the hopes that maybe the more we wore our masks, the sooner it would become the reality of our situation.

It was beyond our control.  We couldn’t just pick up the pieces and carry on, because we felt bereft of any perceivable direction on how to play that plan out.

We deliberately tried countless times to just turn our backs and walk away.

Yet, to each other we just kept crawling.

We begged God to take away what we feel for one another if it wasn’t according to His will, because in the midst of all the bewilderment, we could no longer do anything but surrender to the very Creator who brought us together.

Yet, we found our love never leaving both of our hearts; our desires remained unchanging.

They say that when you love someone, you fight for them no matter how hard things get, because true love is a mix of patience and the will to keep holding on. And baby, I held on, for as long and as tight as all my willpower allowed.

Even when I am finally worn out from the chase of trying to fix us, I still let the whole world know that my heart is only for you to keep.

We saw each other at our worst, and loved each other greater because of it.

With this distance creating a barrier between us, it has only solidified my conviction that what we have is real, because distance can easily be an excuse for us to drift apart and yet it only ignited a brighter fire within us.

However, it does not change the fact that there are things we have to work on independently within ourselves first in order to make it truly work when we finally find our way back to each other.

This chapter allows us to rediscover ourselves, and I know that this will open new doors for growth, opportunities and redemption.

I’ve given you up, surrendering you not to another person but to the Almighty God, whom I know will take care of both of us as we go through this period in our lives. Just know that no matter what, if you ever need me, I’m always ready to drop everything and be by your side.

Right now I feel the absence of you in every aspect of my life. And though I find myself often wondering how things will turn around, I know in my heart that we’ll find a way, because we’ve become too entwined to untangle now.

I may be tethered to despondence for as long as I am without you, but I will take pleasure in the anticipation for when we reunite again.

Everything we’ve done, everything we’ve shared, everything we’ve felt–these are things we could never even comprehend experiencing with anyone else. Even this dark time, this breaking point of despair, it’s still for the betterment of our relationship and of us. We’ve come to an end, but it is but the end of a chapter, giving way to a better book. A detour, leading back to our home.

Today, let’s just think about all of our somedays that are yet to come.

Home went from being a place to being you, and right now the house is empty, yes. But it has not been abandoned. You and I are simply on different roads with paths that are forking away from one another, but in the end, we both have faith that despite where this challenge carries us, we will find our way back to each other.

It will always be you whom I wish to share this one lifetime with.

So when the dust settles, when you have finally mustered enough strength and wisdom that a man of God should be able to offer, when you have learned to stand your ground against anything that tries to infiltrate us, and when you are well equipped to weather every storm, I hold on to your word that you will find me.

If you truly desire to seek me –wherever my place could be then in this world–I will be found.

But my love, don’t keep me waiting forever, because it would be such a waste to delay greater things. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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