“It probably hurt so much because I haven’t pictured myself without him in my life.”
When the relationship ended, I was bent on moving forward quickly. I wanted to wake up feeling fine, without feeling the emptiness. I wanted to be able to listen to your name and not feel the sting. I wanted to prove to others or maybe myself, that I am okay even if are no longer in my life.
As I kept going for weeks, I realized I’ve been trying too hard. The fact that I get people telling me that I don’t look happy, even though it was just through photos. That slowed me down and got me thinking; as much as others’ comments shouldn’t matter, sometimes they might be able to see things you haven’t been noticing. That night, I sat myself down and thought to myself – why do I have to rush myself to heal? Why do I have to prove that I am okay without you?
I know we want to fast forward time and forget the pain we have. Truth is, matters of the heart can take a lot of you and that’s why it will take time.
As ironic as it sounds, perhaps we should feel glad that we feel the pain in heartbreaks. That ‘pain’ means that you gave your absolute all, even if it ended.
You need to know that, as long as you walk away from the relationship knowing that you have put up your best fight, that’s good enough. That is probably all that would matter to you because we need to recognize that you can’t make people stay in your life if they didn’t want to or believe in it.
It is okay to not feel alright. It is okay to fumble on certain days. It is okay to cry whenever you feel like you need to. It is okay if you don’t wish to talk or explain your actions to someone else. It is okay to reminisce the memories occasionally because we all have feelings. It is okay to miss the times you once had.
It is okay if you don’t feel like smiling when you don’t want to. It is okay to be honest with your feelings – including telling people that you’re not okay. It is okay that you are reminded of him when you’re in the midst of doing something or when you walk past a place you both used to frequent. It is okay that you feel emptiness in you.
You need to know that “This too, shall pass.” You need to know that there’s no one solution to all problems. You need to know that you’ll take time to walk out of this and eventually get back on your own feet – and that’s okay.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. But trust me, while this isn’t going to be an easy journey, you will come back stronger. You’ll be okay, eventually.