Revealed: 12 Ways To Win At Twitter

Here’s the rules on how to become a #TwitterMaven. They must be obeyed strictly or you will fail. How do I know? I have over 10 billion followers on twitter dot com.

1. Don’t tweet too much

If you tweet too much, people will be all like, “Eww this loser tweets so much!” So don’t tweet a lot. Keep it to like 1-2 really good tweets per day.

2. Tweet a lot

But you have to tweet a lot. Like, if you don’t have 40,000+ tweets, how good can you be? Would you trust a doctor who only performed surgery 23 times? Nope. I wouldn’t. Same with tweeting. Exact same. Perfect simile. Tweet a ton, about everything.

3. Be funny/interesting

You have to be funny/interesting in tweets or else why would anyone “follow” (the twit-lingo for following an account) you? Everyone loves things that are interesting and some people even like things that are funny.

4. Be relatable

Don’t be too funny. People can’t relate to jokes that are too funny. Or things that are too interesting. So tweet about food you ate or your dog or cat or hamster (if you’re a kid — kids can tweet too! Fun fact). Everyone knows what that’s all about.

5. Interact with your favorite accounts

Someone posts something funny? Tweet @ (twitter lingo for “at”) someone with, “lol, nice/funny tweet sir or madam!” Doesn’t matter if they have one million followers (like me) or 10 (like my idiot friend who sucks at Twitter and didn’t read these any of rules), they’ll see it and maybe say something back! Nice.

6. Don’t interact with anyone

People hate being talked to unannounced. Do I walk up to people at work and make small talk? Of course not! Do I go up to people after concerts and say, “Hey, great job out there?” No way, Jose. Don’t interact with anyone. Let them come to you and worship your brand (Twitter lingo for what your brand is).

7. Retweet a lot

Retweet (biz jargon for placing someone else’s tweet in your timeline ((lingo for your account’s time line)) everything you see. Don’t like a tweet? RT it. LOVE A TWEET? RT it, hard. Kinda like one? You know the answer (it’s RT).

8. Never RT

Your brand is precious and RTing dilutes it. You can follow people and enjoy their tweets, but never expose your followers to them and let another account piggyback on you. Twitter is a zero-sum game. There are only so many followers to go around and you cannot give them up.

9. Follow a lot of people

You need to get your name out there. People love being followed, so follow them! They may “follow back” (industry-speak for following someone who follows you) which is a great way to gain followers. Big accounts, small accounts, famous people, people banned from TWO local Taco Bells (*wink*), anyone!

10. Only follow 1-2 people

Look at rapper/cultural icon Kanye West. He follows one person — Kim Kardashian. Combined followers: a trillion. They must be doin’ something right! Don’t follow anyone, Twitter is for you, not for seeing cool/funny stuff.

11. Play #Hashtag games

Hashtags (Twitter-ese for a searchable topic) are a great way to get your name out there. Come up with a funny thing for #ObamaSucksBecause and you could end up on some internet blogs and thus, increase your follower count! Famous people love these and will always RT good ones. If they don’t, get mad.

12. Avoid hashtags

Hashtags look weird in your timeline. Like, what’s a #ReplaceOneWordInAMovieTitleWithButt??? I sure as heck don’t know. Don’t do these. They’re trash and so many other accounts do it you’ll be lost in a sea of garbage like that scene in Star Wars: Episode IV.

Well that’s it. Follow these rules and you’ll be the next Rob Delaney in no-time! TC mark

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