Thought Catalog

To The Father Who Was My First Heartbreak, Thank You

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Caleb Jones

I hope that wherever you are at this moment you’re still thinking of the daughter you left before she was even born into this world. I’m sorry that my mother’s unconditional love wasn’t enough to make you stay. I’m filled with even more sorrow that you missed out having a daughter like me.

Growing up, I never asked my mom about you nor asked why I didn’t have a father every father’s day.

When I was 4, I always thought that both mother and father are Santa’s present to kids who behaved well. I’ve been a good kid since then but a dad never came until I realized that things don’t work that way and it will never work that way.

For many years, I have been trying to find words how much you’ve hurt me. You broke my heart into a million fragments before anyone had the chance to.

My heart is still in the process of healing and learning how to forgive the man who has let me down more than anyone else in this world and the same man who deprived me of feeling a father’s love and care. I never had the luxury of experiencing the father and daughter bond.

Yes, I have plenty of Uncles that have always been a father to me but I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to have a father of your own.

I have a mom who’s not only a mother to me but a father at the same time but I’ve always wanted to know the feeling of having both mother and father to two different people and not just into one.

“Dad” is such a strange word to me. I can only count on my fingers the numbers of how many times I said Dad in my entire life. I am not even sure if you’re worthy to be called my dad because you’ve never been a father to me.

As I grew older I had this short list of things I wish I knew. I wish I knew why you didn’t bother looking for me. I wish I knew why you never called. I wish I knew why you left. I wish I knew how you felt on the day you left my mom and me inside her. And most importantly, I wish I knew why you didn’t want me to be part of your life.

With those unanswered things, you made me wonder what’s wrong with me. But you don’t have to worry about it because I don’t wish those anymore.

You weren’t there to protect me. You weren’t there when I needed you the most. You weren’t there in any episodes of my life.

It’s even harder growing up having a hole inside my heart which I knew would never be filled but then again you don’t have to worry about it anymore because growing up I somehow manage to patch the whole and accepted the things that I cannot change.

Despite all those things, there is something you have given me. You gave me consistency; consistency of always being not there.

When the day comes that you’ve decided to be a part of my life, save your time and forget about it and move on just like mom and I did.

Don’t try to mend the parts of me that you broke and don’t try to reopen the wounds that you made. I no longer need you to complete my life. I no longer need you, plain and simple.

This may hurt you but nothing hurts more than what you did to me. And just in case you want to know, for twenty years without having a glimpse of your face and without having any idea of what your voice sounds like I’m doing great and perfectly fine without you and for the years to come.

You, leaving me wasn’t that bad after all because it taught me a lot of things. It taught me to never trust most men because of the man, who should never leave my side, left me like I was nothing.

It taught me to always keep my guard up because you will never know who is going to hurt you.

It taught me that life isn’t fair and that’s okay.

It taught me the importance of loyalty and sympathy. And for that, Thank you. TC mark

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