I’’ve never really liked the phrase, “I’m sorry.” I always felt that they were said sometimes too easily, too casually or sometimes without actual significance and truth behind them. It always sounded like pleasantries like, “How are you?” that people exchange habitually.
Maybe that’s why I always find it difficult to actually and genuinely apologize. Words always seem to get stuck on the tip of my tongue fighting back all my forceful push outwards.
It’s really stupid – I mean people say it all the time so easily, but I always had difficulty saying it without really understanding what I have done wrong.
It’s not that I don’t feel bad or remorseful at the fact that the other person is upset at me. But often, it’s a strange moment of disbelief and detachment from reality, when I stare into the other person in utter confusion and surprise at being so upset or mad. I’ve gotten so good at reading people, looking out for all the little cues and words that often betray the person’s intent or emotions but sometimes when I’m too distracted or too tired to notice, things go bad. Maybe that’s why it’s even more upsetting for others when I completely fail at understanding or grasping their dire emotional state.
I’m not trying to excuse myself from my behaviour. I’m not asking for you to simply accept me for who I am. It’s a part of me that I’ve been working all my life to compensate for and slowly amend the faults to become a better person. Maybe that’s why I’m always so aghast at people who proudly shout out “this is who I am, deal with it” because I don’t think it’s true. It’s true each individual is unique and deserves to be cherished as a person but that doesn’t mean that they get a free pass at being at being mean, snappy, hurtful, bossy and sometimes a downright bitch.
Some people, like yourself, are excellent with empathy. Words like I love you, I’m sorry, I understand how you feel, come naturally and easily. Your eyes and words always seem to catch on my emotional distress, looking to appease the anger or the pain immediately. For me it’s not that easy. What seems so trivial to others, is on my part, only done through with so much effort and learned behaviour. I once got told off for looking so happy and proud after saying the words “I’m Sorry” but the truth is that I was beaming with sense of accomplishment. I was so proud of myself for forcing myself out of my egotistical mindset, not snap at the other person, berate the other person with my justifications but simply to admit that I am wrong to have hurt you through my words and actions.
I really don’t know if this makes me a better person for trying, or a complete fraud but I’m trying my best.
So on days like today, I am really sorry for hurting you through my lack of empathy.
It’s a little bit late and a little bit too formal but still despite the words being a little mumbled and soft, I am truly sorry.
I can’t promise that this would be the last time but I’m trying really hard.
Maybe with my distaste in apologizing, I will make an effort to simply not let it come to that point.
But until then, please at least see that I am trying hard to apologize, to be a better person and understand that my apologies will always be slightly late and mumbled.