Thought Catalog

13 Inspirational Quotes For The Modern Cynic

  • 0

We all have those people in our lives who cloud up our social media streams with unyielding optimism. Maybe they’ve found faith in a higher being, maybe they’ve been “blessed” with a fulfilled life as a mother of four bouncing brats, or maybe they’re on a cruise down a swirling river of benzodiazepines.

These people seem to be capable of sharing only three things with the world: what they had for lunch, how they feel about The Voice, and regurgitations of quotes we’ve all heard 500 million times. If you’re like me, you get tired of hearing it. When you are hungover at 1 p.m. on a Saturday, you definitely do not feel like catching the trade winds in your sails, and you CERTAINLY do not feel classy and fabulous.

Have no fear. I have taken some of the chronically abused quotes that are perpetuated in many a Facebook feed and typhooned all over them.

1. Be the change you wish to see randomly appear between your cheap Ikea sofa’s cushions.

2. Always shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, you’ll be lost in the vast void of outer space and you’ll quickly asphyxiate and/ or freeze and/ or starve to death (depending on how well equipped for space you are) and you won’t have to live with the knowledge that you are a failure.

3. Don’t cry because it’s over; cry because you will never have sex with Mila Kunis/ Ryan Gosling.

4. A girl should have two things: a vagina and two X chromosomes.

5. Well-behaved women have a much better chance of acquiring socially respectable, high paying jobs with health benefits, insurance, and paid vacation time.

6. The first to apologize is drunk. The first to forgive is drunker. The first to forget is blacked out in an alley somewhere.

7. If you can’t handle me at my worst, can you please just give me a Valium?

8. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: what’s the point?

9. That which does not kill you can still leave you paralyzed from the neck down without any control over your bodily functions. Because you don’t have Stephen Hawking’s IQ, there’s really no reason to continue living anyway in that circumstance, so mull over that.

10. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. For the love of God, just stay away from me before I have to file for another restraining order.

11. Not all those who wander are lost. For everyone else, there’s Google Maps.

12. And in that moment, I swear we were infinitely glad that Taco Bell stays open until 2 a.m.

13. Here’s an old quote that will be miscredited to a terrible rapper. TC Mark

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Poetry Lovers! 💖

Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

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More From Thought Catalog

  • V

    *waits for the backlash over #4*

    • bsgbsgbsgbsg

      “Your website is so heteronormative.”

      • crazycatlady

        Well that would be the reply… if #4 actually had anything to do with heterosexuality.

    • http://gravatar.com/ellapalooza ellapalooza

      Me too, because isn’t that… three things?

  • Joe

    I would say this could be funnier, but that would suggest this was at least somewhat funny, which it wasn’t. At all.

  • N Looman

    I liked.

  • shannon

    lol you read my mind. hellooooooo blatant cissexism! no me gusta.

    • shannon

      (re: V’s comment)

  • Mushion

    You say 13 inspirational quotes for the modern cynic, but I think you meant to say douchebag. Some of these are really below the belt. Even if you’re not always classy at least be a little emphatic

  • I thought it was funny

    THIS IS AWESOME! Well, I LOL’d at least. I just quoted you in my facebook status. The sincerest form of flattery and praise.

  • I think this is

    brilliant

  • hnnh

    Hello? the point is that the the quotes are cynical.

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  • Bri McDonald

    I guess I understand the point of #4? but it has to be obvious how offensive that possibly could be…

    • http://twitter.com/FailboatSailor Justine G. (@FailboatSailor)

      In case you missed the title of the article, all of this was “cynical.”

      Also, technically –

      fe·male   [fee-meyl]
      noun
      1. a person bearing two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts, and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman.

      I guess you should get all pissed off at the dictionary now.

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  • Jennifer

    Some people just don’t have a sense of humor at all.

  • http://leydicu.wordpress.com leydicu

    Reblogged this on leydicu.

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