We all have those people in our lives who cloud up our social media streams with unyielding optimism. Maybe they’ve found faith in a higher being, maybe they’ve been “blessed” with a fulfilled life as a mother of four bouncing brats, or maybe they’re on a cruise down a swirling river of benzodiazepines.
These people seem to be capable of sharing only three things with the world: what they had for lunch, how they feel about The Voice, and regurgitations of quotes we’ve all heard 500 million times. If you’re like me, you get tired of hearing it. When you are hungover at 1 p.m. on a Saturday, you definitely do not feel like catching the trade winds in your sails, and you CERTAINLY do not feel classy and fabulous.
Have no fear. I have taken some of the chronically abused quotes that are perpetuated in many a Facebook feed and typhooned all over them.
1. Be the change you wish to see randomly appear between your cheap Ikea sofa’s cushions.
2. Always shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, you’ll be lost in the vast void of outer space and you’ll quickly asphyxiate and/ or freeze and/ or starve to death (depending on how well equipped for space you are) and you won’t have to live with the knowledge that you are a failure.
3. Don’t cry because it’s over; cry because you will never have sex with Mila Kunis/ Ryan Gosling.
4. A girl should have two things: a vagina and two X chromosomes.
5. Well-behaved women have a much better chance of acquiring socially respectable, high paying jobs with health benefits, insurance, and paid vacation time.
6. The first to apologize is drunk. The first to forgive is drunker. The first to forget is blacked out in an alley somewhere.
7. If you can’t handle me at my worst, can you please just give me a Valium?
8. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: what’s the point?
9. That which does not kill you can still leave you paralyzed from the neck down without any control over your bodily functions. Because you don’t have Stephen Hawking’s IQ, there’s really no reason to continue living anyway in that circumstance, so mull over that.
10. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. For the love of God, just stay away from me before I have to file for another restraining order.
11. Not all those who wander are lost. For everyone else, there’s Google Maps.
12. And in that moment, I swear we were infinitely glad that Taco Bell stays open until 2 a.m.
13. Here’s an old quote that will be miscredited to a terrible rapper.