Latest Posts

Detachable Penis Envy

It would be another decade until I would lose my virginity to a charitable young lady with suspect taste, but in the mean time, I had Penthouse Forum letters to supplement any proper experience or education.

eHarmony Minority Report

Susan and Sang Wang, Wong, or Chong are happy, if by “happy” you mean the sustained countenance of deference, the embracing of Western values (e.g. consumerism, materialism) more so than the West.

Ode To A Haiku

She was reading a book at the register — in the contented aura of her own attractiveness, it seemed — slowly masticating on something hard enough to be erotically heard from the aisles throughout which I wandered.

Diagnosing Cornholio

In a “real world” non-cartoon context, Beavis would likely have been prescribed a stimulant (Adderall, Ritalin) for his ADHD, maybe coupled with a mood stabilizer (Xanax, Lithium) and even an anti-psychotic (Seroquel).

This Hater’s Gonna Hate

Walking past a coffee stand, I noticed that the Barista — who was a woman with mannish mannerisms, obviously queer — had a thin mustache which on a “natural” man would have looked pervy.

On Hypochondria

Without God, a partner, five-year plan, or any plan, there’s little in life to consider save one’s premature mortality.

Cat Food Economics

For those who believe they are lonely, whose recent break ups or absent relationships give them something to be sad about, a visit to the cat food section at PetCo may make you feel chipper, for they are populated by special kinds of sad women (colloquially known as “cat ladies”) who stare deeply — purrhaps past, confronting a dark manless void — into the very items (feather on a stick; toy mice; scooper, calming spray) for which they disorientingly came.

What Your Shoes Say About You

You buy vegetables at farmer’s market — carrying their ostentatiously exposed stems and leaves in an artistic canvas tote bag purchased at Etsy — and render them into soup that day while listening to NPR solemnly address contemporary issues.

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