Latest Posts

Concerns Concerning Dancing Bear

These parties incur the indiscretions of full on fellatio and, sometimes, its terminate gesture the facial. Some of the more coy women have their friend next to them hold up a towel to block the view from others, a sort of prelude to the towel’s ultimate capacity.

Burrito Threesome

Men are boring, and will always be. After dinner he’ll try to kiss you, and you may concede, lightly leaning in with mild acceptance, your lips pensively sealed as you feel a tepid patch of wet on your cheek, a lost ship moving towards the mouth. You will become a name he’ll ask about years later, a face he never dared to see on his pillow thinned out by a million lies.

Dear Depressive: A Compendium

I smacked a co-worker’s ass, I work in a kitchen as a dishwasher, I’m a college undergrad student. She was extremely upset, I have since stopped working there and been filled with shame, guilt, and mild depression. What should I do to get over it?

Suburban Dictionary

Our colloquially disenfranchised youth of the suburbs deserve a voice not observed by the more gritty Urban Dictionary; and so, we hereby inaugurate Suburban Dictionary, offering its first entries.

Baseball Courtship Metaphors

Second base, per Wikipedia, is “tactile stimulation of genitalia”; this does not mention if such stimulation needs to be direct contact with flesh. For example, if a guy “dry humps” a woman who’s wearing denim overalls or a ski-jacket, can he consider himself at second base? At what point does the article of clothing’s thickness preclude second base?

Dear Depressive: What Do I Eat Tonight?

I know how you feel, sorry buddy. Your dopamine levels are really low, and you need some reward signaling mechanism in your brain quick – and this calls for high levels of saturated fat and sodium. Tonight you will eat what I eat when I’m depressed: Death Crunch.

Public Disclaimers Concerning My Body

I have a scar on my lower right abdomen from a herniated protrusion, which is when your guts “pop out” of their abdominal lining, often dropping into the testes. No 2-year-old should have guts for balls, no matter how manly it may sound.

On Booty

I want you to tease me with the pain of plausibility. I want not a jiggling rap video booty, but just a butt. A nice anthropologically sound, soft, woman’s ass. I want to calmly rest my snifter on the counter, to hell with the rest of my Rémy Martin XO Spécial ($141.99, 750ml).

Trent Reznor's Behavior in "March of the Pigs"

Nine Inch Nails’ “March of the Pigs” (2002) industrial aesthetic, shot live in one take in a bare warehouse studio, embodies the band’s no nonsense disposition. Front man Trent Reznor, known for an abrasive facetiously tortured stage presence, delivers many of his trademark moves, examined herein.

How to Air Guitar

The art of air guitar lies in the accuracy with which you perform it; thus, you need to understand the fundamental “logic” of the actual guitar. There is a visceral aspect to air guitar which, while not necessarily empirical, is indeed analytical. There are 6 strings: the one closest to your nipple is the lowest, and each string underneath is 5 “steps” (except in one case, 4) higher.

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