Method: Abstinence
Summary: No sex.
Commentary: This isn’t actually that bleak, from the perspective of a virgin all through high school and college. The only thing worse than not getting laid is having to bear the smug satiation of those who are, especially when unrequited devotion is directed to the latter. I knew a devout Christian in college named Lisa who kept inviting me to her dorm room to talk about Jesus, which I thought was just conversation fodder; turns out, as my less gullible secular friends told me, she was proselytizing me. Part of me was offended I guess — in that political suspicion within us to which we owe our most provincial feelings — but the reality, in my confused virginal loneliness, is I was flattered that she even saw me as “savable”; as if, in the post-nuptial utopia of her mind, a few weeks before the Rapture, we might lose ourselves in each other.
Chance of pregnancy: 0%
Other factors: Chronic blue balls; moral pretentiousness; male will seek sexual attention elsewhere.
Male pleasure: ★ 1/2