Toilet Paper Roll Debate

A polemic for when you’re sitting down.

Situation 1 — Seems like the common and rational way, arguably universal. The toilet paper rests openly flayed outward for one to grab, almost gracing the edge of one’s knee; to draw it towards its fated clump is to spin the wheel naturally forward. Despite my many flaws, I consider myself a very rational and logical person, and feel that this situation is the objective, perhaps even ethical “right” way of doing things — to the point where I feel that people who disagree with this issue are less equipped to deal with life in general, like they are intrinsically flawed human beings. Grant me such liberty to say the issue at stake is ontological: does the universe extend towards oneself, or retract from it? Is it sentient of morons who set things up improperly? If we are alone in the universe, do we not have the solemn responsibility to makes things a little easier for us? Notice that the edge of the toilet paper is relatively far away from the wall — walls which, if you’re man whose bachelorhood doesn’t instill an incentive to “aim,” might be spotted with urine. Sometimes when I do my business, I like to gaze at the welcoming edge of the toilet paper. I employ ~2-3 restrained yet earnest grunts, my incumbent material silently leaving my viscera. To the stoic sitter, this is how one does it. True, I am not the happiest or most well-adjusted person in the world, but I do have reason on my side. Goodbye burrito, goodbye Pad Thai, says the polite rationalist.

Situation 2 — Occasionally I will have a visitor, and the ones I associate with are usually considerate enough to change the toilet paper, if needed, after their redolent “doings,” but it always strikes me when they employ this completely irrational situation. Now one must lean down unstably on a sole ass cheek, almost crouching under with a bent arm and blindly clawing hand in faith of even finding the edge of the toilet paper, only to risk ripping it prematurely, as it is going against the weight of the roll. It’s also so close to the wall that (a) it is in near contact with the footnote explained urine-spotted wall, (b) attempts to retrieve the toilet paper are often met by accidentally ramming one’s fingers against the wall. For those who employ “Situation 2,” the implication is less rhetorical than it is statistical: y’all have difficultly grasping simple mechanical concepts. To say that you simply approach things differently, with more “interiority” in this regard, preferring the subtleties of an inward curve, is to be rather euphemistic. I often wonder why people like to make things so difficult for me. After they leave, perhaps a day or two later, I will correct the toilet paper’s orientation, and smile in concession to the ways of irrational people. “Situation 2” is, ontologically, to strip an object of its very identity by its orientation, meaning: it is no longer a roll of toilet paper, but a huge headache. As for the huge stomachache, that comes out swiftly, softly. TC mark

image – Derek Gavey

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