On Blowing A Zucchini

From these lips will come, or the other way around.

As a feminist, I’m one to try to understand the female condition, put myself in their shoes, or — since we’re inserting things — put an anthropomorphized phallic vegetable in my mouth and perform fellatio. I was curious about how it felt on the “giving” end, the sensation distributed along my tongue, the swollen wordless joy against the insides of my cheeks, the minor strain of my jaw down my neck, the thoughtful rhythm I employed slowly disappearing downward along my spine, the odd yet intuitive impulse to close one’s eyes. Oral sex’s recipient is nothing but ooh and aah, swamped by the boringness of vowels, head cocked back squinting into the fireworks between synapses. To venture into the world, the mind, of the subordinate “giver” is more interesting, maybe.

The idea of sexual orientation is — for a rather conventional straight dude — imperative. I am straight, and highly skeptical of the notion that everyone is somewhat bisexual. Girls can “accidentally” make out at a party, and not only is the universe is still in tact, it is made a little more awesome. A dude’s dingdong in my umber yahoo and the world as I know it, via my end, would end. I would never blow a dude, yet somehow to blow a zucchini seemed, and still seems, reasonable; like the latter doesn’t make me gay, simply curious and rather comprehensive in my approach. Perhaps some codependent part of me wants to understand how these women feel. Despite the feminist ringtone “empowerment,” the blowjob seems just a little humiliating, more so than cunnilingus, which is just earnestly trying to pick up a raw salmon filet without using your hands or teeth. Maybe I’m projecting. Maybe porn — the evil that men do, under the sheen of its aesthetic glory — has changed us.

Before you think me obsessed, I did not venture out and buy a zucchini for this. I was in my condo, in bed I believe, wishing someone would blow me. This train of thought eventually, somewhat inversely, led me to want to blow something myself. I mentally listed phallic objects in my condo whose girth and length seemed penis-like. A cucumber (semantically embedded with cum) seemed more fitting for a black dude, and due to our deeply institutionalized imperialism of the West, I imagined blowing a white male, still the leader of our world. “Holy crap, I think there’s a zucchini in my fridge,” I thought, half-way out the bed towards the kitchen. And there it was, lying there in the fridge’s light bulb’s cold glow, all nonchalant and studly. I picked it up, my heart racing a little bit.

Wash your vegetables, my mother always said, so I did, dutifully moving my hands over it like a handjob. “Slut,” I thought to myself. I brought it back to bed, laid on my stomach, and blew it. Going through the charade and light narrative was important. I didn’t just want to stand in the kitchen blowing the zucchini. Sex, like a painting or photograph, is never about the mere incident, but rather, the preceding and subsequent chronologies which host the emotional volition — however empty, grim, compulsive, or self-hating — of such an act. In bed, my big boy was sitting up, legs spread, as my head bobbed up and down coaxing our future children into my mouth. The zucchini was missing the mushroom-like head, and I wondered if I had any mushrooms in the fridge. This was getting complicated. I needed to go to Whole Foods.

It’s harder than you think. (I’m speaking to straight dudes here, you ladies and gays are doing just fine.) You quickly notice your jaw, and the taut contraction of neck muscles required to retract your mouth open. Teeth is another thing. The entire psychological logic of the blowjob as “naughty” surrogate vagina à la unconditional acceptance crumbles at the sensation of teeth, unless you’re a sick bro with some omnivore or cannibalism fetish. However “natural” the act supposedly is, you will comeplease, that is far from a pun — to discover how absurd it is to place a relatively large object in one’s mouth, and to move back and forth for an extended amount to time, either denying or succumbing to the gag reflex, until genetic matter is promoted to an appetizer or dessert. God gave us penis and vagina, a holy trinity without some third wheel, and we gotta come along and put dicks in butts and mouths. Perhaps with each transgression, we are complicit in our own existential defeat. No matter what hole is filled, its conscious host still perceives an emptiness grander than its body.

Did I end up eating the zucchini is a reasonable question. And if so, did I castrate it into little pieces for a quick stir fry. But if I didn’t, out of some ambivalent emotional attachment, did I throw it away or compost it. Did I, had this little enterprise been real, spit or swallow. The answers are these: No, I did not eat it, as it was too “personal” by now; and no, I did not compost it, because a zucchini will have little trouble degrading in a landfill, despite what these eco-fascists think. And I would have swallowed, because my love, or rather my need to be loved, is bottomless, save the pit of my lonely hungry stomach. TC mark

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAYKUME3WYKHB3KLUJQ2HYTWYU Adriano Farina

    1 zucchino, many zucchini.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nellcarter Timothy Smith

      Only in Italian.

      • Gian

        In Italian:
        one zucchina, many zucchine 

      • Gian

        In Italian:
        one zucchina, many zucchine 

  • leni

    I quite enjoyed this.

    Until you got to the bit where you talked about ‘institutionalised imperialism of the West’ directly after engaging in the ‘black guys have huge dicks’ cliché. 

    That said, I don’t think I would have been able to resist biting down in the middle of the act for a bit of ‘Last House on the Left’ fun.

    • I don't get it...

      Why is Jimmy Chen always basking in stereotypes? Honestly, I don’t get it.

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        all i do watch is food network and bravo; i need to get out more

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    liked it but this does make you gay

    • Guest

      it’s true

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      no, but my current ryan gosling (w/ ‘ripped abs’) as my desktop wallpaper might; he’s really quite handsome

  • TO

    Jimmy Chen is my hero.

  • eric

     head cocked back squinting into the fireworks between his synapses… like that alot

  • vejrubia

    I should try this (I’m gay though so it won’t have any effect on me other than the gagging).

  • Anonymous

    god damn it, jimmy

  • WIZK

    Two Jimmy Chen articles in one day, heaven. 

  • xra

    fucking eco-fascists

  • http://profiles.google.com/tturadr Alex Hamilton

    maybe a gherkin next time?

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Wimp. try the real thing. Its actually pretty fun.

  • Guest

    i love everything about this article, except for the part where you call giving a blowjob humiliating. 

    • Anonymous

      Giving head isn’t annoying. Yes, it’s difficult to find air, but it’s also hot to feel a gyrating, warm, and large thing in your mouth. Sorry for the TMI, but a zucchini won’t cut it. Go ask a gay friend who owes you a favor to try out the real thing. 

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        i live in sf. if i wanted to give a ‘free’ blowjob to an actual penis, i would not need any favors. is ‘gyrating’ spelled correctly? i keep thinking ‘gyro’

      • Anonymous

        I mean, a zucchini is more convenient since you didn’t need to leave your apartment. I congratulate you on writing this. But yeah, I’m a feminist who really loves giving head. Hopefully I won’t get any creepy blog followers because of this.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      the ‘seems’ and ‘a little’ in ‘seems just a little’ before ‘humiliating’ is a concession of subjectivity, far more mitigated than simply saying it was that; and maybe ‘humiliating’ is not the best word, it’s just that the act, compared to cunnilingus, seems just a little more ‘consuming,’ and people consumed by events in their life seem sillier than the unconsumed, just like the mental image of the former, i guess. thanks.

  • Cool Bear

    Oh for god’s sake, just suck a dick already. It’s just not that big a deal. I’ve eaten pussy (it was nice) and I’m still gay.

  • Cool Bear

    OK, what I was *gonna* say was: I ate a tuna fish sandwich once, but that doesn’t mean I know what it’s like to eat pussy. But as I said . . . 

  • Stellie Cat

    while you were fussing over not having something for the head,
    you seem to have forgotten about the balls.

    anyone who gives head (to a real human being at least)
    knows that balls play a pivotal role in the art of sucking cock.

  • WOW

    “In bed, my big boy was sitting up, legs spread, as my head bobbed up and down coaxing our future children into my mouth.”

    Somebody needs to give Jimmy $25,000 so he can spend a year writing a 400-page book. This piece is hilarious, offbeat, original, mindbending, and at bottom celebratory of life — even its solitary perversities. It’s a breakthrough in his oevre. Or maybe I should say it pops his oevre’s cherry.

    • WOW

      But what I really mean is that it pops his oeuvre’s cherry.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      thanks! this works for me, especially peeps been saying i need to “get oeuvre myself” for years…

  • Eric Beeny

    “No matter what hole is filled, its conscious host still
    perceives an emptiness grander than its body.” So many great lines in this
    piece, so many more subtle puns, cool how you distanced yourself from
    “come”…

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I imagine blowing a zucchini is a lot like blowing the Green Giant. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    There is a reason it is called a ‘job’.  That’s real work.  

  • guest.

    i like it when the person i love make me horny/love him enough to do it. otherwise, it’s just a job and there’s no fun in it.

    in addition, cultural imperialism only made happened by the people who are 1. too full of themselves and feel superior over others or 2. have low self-esteem + subconsciously feeling inferior and thus, making others more superior.

    one cannot compare cultures as each are unique and to their own. and cross-breeding of different ethnics are just the way of evolution.

    anyhow, bravo in trying to understand bj. it’s really like what you described if one is not in love/sexually stimulated to want to do it.

  • guest.

    i like it when the person i love make me horny/love him enough to do it. otherwise, it’s just a job and there’s no fun in it.

    in addition, cultural imperialism only made happened by the people who are 1. too full of themselves and feel superior over others or 2. have low self-esteem + subconsciously feeling inferior and thus, making others more superior.

    one cannot compare cultures as each are unique and to their own. and cross-breeding of different ethnics are just the way of evolution.

    anyhow, bravo in trying to understand bj. it’s really like what you described if one is not in love/sexually stimulated to want to do it.

  • Annene

    I can’t read the comments, because I think this is the most brilliant, beautifully written and sublime piece  I’ve ever read on this site, and I can’t stand to see anyone disagree with me.  I’m saying this as a mature woman who fought the good fight and who usually gags when men call themselves “feminists” and who also loves everything about blowjobs.  Well done, sir.

  • a question

     will you let the zucchini enter you next time?

  • a question

     will you let the zucchini enter you next time?

  • fulldamage

    “This was getting complicated. I needed to go to Whole Foods.”
    Pure gold, there. 

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