Wifi Vs. Wife

Only one letter separates them, but they could not be more different. We offer bachelors who may be thinking of getting a wife, or the recently engaged, a sobering view on marital domesticity.

Being connected

A wife may make you feel more “connected” to the world, and this is somewhat true, but only with her mother and friends. Prepare to spend every other weekend with your super civil Mother-in-law (may those hyphens represent chains to which you are forever bound), whose subdued feelings towards your salary, education, and atheism might have been conveyed if you ever paid attention to her moving mouth. Tonight is “Girl’s Night In,” a euphemism to somehow kill 5 hours after work so that 7-8 women may propagate your living room eating bon bons whilst regaling one another with tales of badly executed Margarita-enabled handjobs in Cancun during spring break, which reminds you — sitting at the bar with a bland Jameson and soda — you really have to “hand” it to them how far they’ve gotten by in life with such bad hand-and-eye coordination. No wonder their husbands all have a constant chafed look in their small worried eyes. Fast forward 6 hours and thank God they’re gone, your wife in the shower, and a quick self-administered wank job before bed, you in front of the computer streaming “Pump Love Party (part 1 of 3).”

WIFI 1 : WIFE 0

_____

Speed

A properly installed and reasonably situated router should exert wifi at optimal “bars” and be very fast. You should be able to download a 6MB clip i.e. “Pump Love Party (part 2 of 3)” or, say “Pump Love Party (part 3 of 3)” in about 35 seconds. Your wife, however — a woman — may not be quite so fast. For example, and there are many, but this one should do: You and your wife need to be at a party in one hour. You need to pick up a bottle of wine. Travel time is an estimated 40 minutes. And she needs to buy feminine supplies. This all adds up to needing to leave now. You are sitting, already in your shoes and jacket, keys in hand, on the couch while your wife applies a strange manic “hurricane effect” to your shared walk-in closet while she decides on which of the four outfits to wear. You say “Honey, it all looks good, please, we need to leave this instant.” Here are some important answers: Does she look fat? No. Did you fill up the tank? Yes. How does she look in these pumps? Amazing. But in the car she’s angry at you for rushing her, an anger pooled into the aggregate of her slow resentment also known as “just a feeling” or “oh, nothing,” which will be added to every single day, the sour feeling of a marriage ceviched in lime, and eventually used at her convenience whenever an argument calls for it, for the rest of your slowly more slowed life.

WIFI 1 : WIFE 0

_____

Cost

A decent and respectful engagement ring costs at least $4,000 – 5,000 dollars. A honeymoon will run you about the same. Each valentine’s and anniversary dinner should?will, be up to $250. Let’s not forget the occasional, yet perennial, sweet gestures (e.g. handbags, scarfs, bracelets, etc.) to keep her heart lubed up for the next time your prostate is about to explode. And please, we can’t forget the big stuff, the weekly semi-subtle comments about the bathroom or kitchen’s condition until, um, the bathroom and/or kitchen is remodeled at $10K a pop — or the nice cottage by the lake until it’s a second mortgage. The “street value” of a bj is $120 (adjusted for “inflation,” sorry) which means your wife owes you about 200 bjs, and you’re simply asking for one. The math is simple, no calculator or mouthwash needed: you get 0 bjs because, um, Dr. Phil and/or Oz or some TV dumbfuck said “it” contains unneeded calories. Suddenly, Comcast’s $49.00 monthly internet plus a mere $67.12 for the router seems pretty reasonable, if not cheap — a word your wife said bjs made her feel, which brings us full circle to “Pump Love Party” (parts 1, 2 and 3). It’s a vicious cycle.

WIFI 1 : WIFE 0

_____

Drinking

Do not attempt to be a bro with your router by pouring beer on it, for it will break. Do not drive drunk to BestBuy that same night and buy a new router, and pour beer on it. It will break. Your wife at least can have 1-2 drinks with you, some Pinto Gris with fish and steamed peas and carrots. After that you casually reach for the hard stuff e.g. whisky and gin, so begins argument #8 re: how she’s tired of telling you to stop drinking, how the increase of what you consume nightly worries her, the explosive anger at inanimate objects including walls. You politely explain to her that white wine is unsatisfying, and that one of the redeeming factors in this hell hole of a life is the volition one has to drink 4-5 shots of whatever, and you don’t want such freedom hindered by the one person in this world who is supposed to be “on your side,” thus beginning argument #5 re: who is or isn’t on whose side. Fast forward 3 hours and you’re both in bed, curved backs turned against each other as sullen parentheses marking parenthetical sorrys never given. Still, she did have a glass of wine with you, even if that glass tasted like cold urine.

WIFI 0 : WIFE 1 TC mark

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  • Steph

    Jimmy Chen you misogynist.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sorry steph. i actually wrote this like 2-3 months ago, but never got around to finishing it until now, so it doesn’t reflect my current disposition — which is less snarky and much more introspective — and i somewhat see this as a satirical piece. the author is not always the author, but construct of ideas, and i hate to employ post-structuralist “excuses” but I think if you and I were friends you’d see that I’m a gentleman and that I have deep empathy for women, perhaps too much, like codependent empathy.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sorry steph. i actually wrote this like 2-3 months ago, but never got around to finishing it until now, so it doesn’t reflect my current disposition — which is less snarky and much more introspective — and i somewhat see this as a satirical piece. the author is not always the author, but construct of ideas, and i hate to employ post-structuralist “excuses” but I think if you and I were friends you’d see that I’m a gentleman and that I have deep empathy for women, perhaps too much, like codependent empathy.

      • Todd Allen

        You used a large number of words in an awkward or incorrect way.  Please enjoy them as a list: propagate, exert, applies,  inadament (inanimate is the word you’re looking for).  Good try though!

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        i like using words weirdly for either visual or visceral reasons, and thanks, typo corrected.

      • guest

        beep boop incorrect word beep boop

        go back to editing wikipedia articles or something

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sorry steph. i actually wrote this like 2-3 months ago, but never got around to finishing it until now, so it doesn’t reflect my current disposition — which is less snarky and much more introspective — and i somewhat see this as a satirical piece. the author is not always the author, but construct of ideas, and i hate to employ post-structuralist “excuses” but I think if you and I were friends you’d see that I’m a gentleman and that I have deep empathy for women, perhaps too much, like codependent empathy.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      I think this a compliment, maybe

  • Adam

    um…?

  • guest

    Pretty sure this is the worst thing I have ever read on this, ever decreasing in quality, site…

    • Anonymous

      whaaa? this is the best thing I’ve read on here in weeks.
      Jimmy Chen 1 : Guest 0

      • guest

        zing

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    damn, depressing. But really good. like always.

  • Brandon

    sweet

  • Brandon

    sweet

  • Jordan

    ” …curved backs turned against each other as sullen parentheses marking parenthetical sorrys never given.”  Nice words, I like the rhythm there.

  • Jordan

    ” …curved backs turned against each other as sullen parentheses marking parenthetical sorrys never given.”  Nice words, I like the rhythm there.

  • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

    Remember near the end of Carnal Knowledge when Jack Nicholson’s character gives that slide-show presentation of his various conquests…?

  • http://hydeparkblvd.wordpress.com Allison Berger

    Are you married?

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      divorced, and allison, i swear to god if you say “oh, figures” ima be rlly hurt; my divorce was in response to unforeseen psychiatric factors — this is a gentle euphemism — on the part of my exwife, with whom i’m still amicable. please don’t care there.

      • http://hydeparkblvd.wordpress.com Allison Berger

        I wouldn’t say something like that.

      • Ashlerose Marie

        You still love her? awee. But alas, theres no love like wifi love~~

  • GRE

    Welcome back Jimmy. You just saved this site.

  • GRE

    Welcome back Jimmy. You just saved this site.

    • guest

      From what?

  • Anonymous

    The premise is a bit cliched (ol’ ball and chain…) but the execution is, as always, masterful.

  • Anonymous

    Jimmy Chen I like this writing and also other writing you’ve done that is not this writing

  • http://www.facebook.com/m.paigekelly Megan Kelly

    lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/m.paigekelly Megan Kelly

    i like how it’s assumed in this article that the wife in question does nothing to contribute to her own home financially yet expects to be “lubed” properly without being made to feel cheap, as if every soon-to-be husband can expect his soon-to-be wife to act this way. 
    all satire and snarky comments aside, that’s a pretty used and abused concept. even when you’re comparing it to the price you have to pay to sit in your room all night and play WoW/Portal/other antisocial games. maybe come up with something else. 

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      but you lol’d…i’m confused…or maybe it was a sarcastic lol, or like loling at me, not the piece…okay megan…sorry…

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24703745 Carleigh Anne Mahaffey

      But Portal is two-player now!

  • http://www.facebook.com/m.paigekelly Megan Kelly

    i like how it’s assumed in this article that the wife in question does nothing to contribute to her own home financially yet expects to be “lubed” properly without being made to feel cheap, as if every soon-to-be husband can expect his soon-to-be wife to act this way. 
    all satire and snarky comments aside, that’s a pretty used and abused concept. even when you’re comparing it to the price you have to pay to sit in your room all night and play WoW/Portal/other antisocial games. maybe come up with something else. 

  • A.

    Okay not to be a complete grammar nazi, but I’m barely three sentences in..
    “Prepare the spend”?… to spend? And what the hell is a Margaria?

  • Girlwithcomputer

    ugh. No words can fully illustrate my disgust. Thus may have been your experience with marriage, but everybody has different relationships throughout their life and this article completely discredits women, and mature, realistic ideas about functioning long term relationships (whether they are marriage, or life partnership.) How sad.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sorry, i have failed you. i hope you have a nice long term relationship. i’m sorry GWC, i have some issues.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      Really, I think he breaks down some things that women and men do fight about. I can’t see how it “completely discredits women”, other than sometimes people in relationships will fight/have tension regarding. Women sometimes do take a long time to get ready, and then resent their partner for what they percieve as pressure. LTR’s aren’t easy as life isn’t. And the sex/bj rate thing is obviously a joke. And the drinking part breaks down how in relationships people are obliged to one another and can’t just do what they want to do when they want to do it, and then will argue. This whole piece is first comedic, and then a little sad.

      But I think maturity is overrated, so my opinion may be biased. 

    • Anonymous

      ooooooh.
      You must be a right bloody joy to be with.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    I hope to never be a wife like this.
    Though the majority of commenters hate the conceptual aspect, well written, sir.

  • guest

    oh god the misery

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Interesting.
    A little bit of strange concepts, but well-written and enjoyable to read.

  • http://www.facebook.com/allyson.sagin Allyson Sagin

    The comparison of all wives to whores was my FAVOURITE….NAWT. This piece is possibly the most misogynistic thing I have ever read.  I’m sorry that you’re divorced, I am as well, it sucks.   However, if this is your general view of women and of partnership, for fuck’s sake stay that way. 

  • Anonymous

    I liked the concept myself (and bj rate haha), but felt somehow it didnt flow easily. And Jimmy please stop apologizing if someone bitches/hates…fuck it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=40304029 André Gooren

    this was fantastic.

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