Description Of A Cockblock

Two guys, a girl, and life.

The inception of a relationship often entails a “cockblock,” in which the supposed alpha male, on one fateful night, asserts dominance over the target female by usurping other male competitors. The art of the cockblock lies in both the implicitness and effectiveness of said block, while remaining reticent and fairly amicable about it. In short — at least in a civilized setting — the involved parties are all “friends,” though the triangulation of such a blurry entity begins to shift immediately after a successful cockblock. I was recently cockblocked, here is my story.

At approximately 5:13 pm on a Sunday, the target [iii. cockfucker] arrives at semi-bro [i. cockblocker]’s apartment (a), at which the latter and myself [ii. cockblocked] were hanging out and drinking beer that I brought over. She arrives with emotional monopoly the way women are prone to do, quickly becoming the apartment’s fulcrum. The cockblocker begins to make dinner in effort to “bed” — may this be our euphemism herein — the target. I was feeling pretty chill at this point, because a) I had no idea of the cockblocker’s intentions, and b) while I had mild and/or tentative affection(s) towards the target, I wasn’t “in love” or “hell bent” on possessing her, just a chill bro having dinner with two friends, one who accepted natural feelings as being simply that.

Within 10 minutes of the target’s arrival to his apartment, the cockblocker expresses dismay that he doesn’t have tomatoes for a salad, to which I respond — because I’m a nice person i.e. perfect cockblockee — that no sweat I’ll get some tomatoes at the corner convenience store (b), located just 4 minutes away. The cockblocker is dour. He tells me that it “would be nice” to have some cheese too, but that said convenience store (b), inconveniently, did not carry cheese, and would/could I go to the vaguely-socialist-yet-inextricably-capitalist progressive organic grocery store (c) which was further away. The target quickly offered to accompany me to the far away grocery story. A ha, plan fucked! But the cockblocker, in a rather douchey move imho, looked directly at her with longing eyes and said, quote, “oh, do you want me to be alone?” thus exploiting her co-dependent/guilt tendencies, to which she conceded by staying.

The cockblock added 13 minutes to my trip [17 minutes one-way], which made total round-trip travel time around half an hour. Include shopping and transaction time and I’m gone a good quarter hour, during which — I was to quickly find out at the night’s conclusion; or at least my night’s conclusion — he and the target had either verbally or physically communicated that she would spend the night at his place, wherein undisclosed yet somewhat implicit timeless behaviors would happen. They are now in a relationship, albeit “open,” and subject to the self-exodus of their mutual wandering hearts.

Walking to the store (c), I knew had been cockblocked, but it was okay. The only collateral damage was a little tinge in what has remained my heart after all these years of cruel romance. I wasn’t angry at the cockblocker, or the cockfucker; these two kinds of people seem to always get along, and when the tears come, I am usually on the phone with the females — because they have tits, and if God put brains in balls, then we’d have huge balls. Sometimes I too occasionally bed a cockfucker, and boy, is it fun.

I bought some really nice Gruyère and tomatoes “on the vine,” as well as — in honor of this memorable night — a relatively expensive 2009 Bordeaux, to lube up whatever synapses might be needed to be lubed up that night, a whispered breath as a thin cloud of some promise, said by either party, in darkness. To imagine them fucking seems grim, and glib, but that’s what I did. Gently resting the bottle on the counter, the cashier looked at me with misinterpreted envy, for he thought I had some hot date. “No bro, you don’t understand,” I wanted to say. “I live in hell.” Instead, I let reticence do the talking — both at the counter, and, some 17 minutes later, inside a random overpriced apartment (a), in a popular district in a random overrated city, on a random planet negotiating a dying star, where random friends are often left with nothing to do but random things which sort of feel good. I walked up the stairs hugging the paper bag because the handles had broke. I knocked with a fist that in better days might have punched someone. She opened the door, and I said nothing. Then she said nothing too. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Isn’t it “farther away” as it’s distance? Just wondering. 

    I love you JC

  • Ch

    story of my life

  • Steph

    Jimmy Chen you misogynist

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      imagining your pink asshole right now….

      • Steph

        It’s brown.

  • Jordan

    Nice analysis Dr. Chen.  Pretty ballsy move of the cockblocker to ‘trick’ you out of your own apartment to get the job done!  Any cockblocker worth his salt will at least do it in the open air, under the guise (or sad truth) of it ‘just happening.’  That’s pretty shady.

    • Sally Jenkins

      it was the COCKBLOCKER’S apartment, right?

  • Ronnie

    Need more of you. 

  • Raoul

    Great read

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    read this. identified with it in some abstract way even though i have never been in such a situation. liked it.

    • Sally Jenkins

      you can identify because men feel perpetually cockblocked, even if they’re getting sex. it’s anthropology.

  • Daniel O'Connell

    Semi-bro is a good name for the cock-blocker. “Not a true friend,” is another. Good analysis though.

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    enjoyed reading this, good job

    • Sally Jenkins

      I heard you tried to make your friend pull his penis off. It seems like you’re the ultimate cockblocker now.

  • http://fartsinlove.tumblr.com Ernest Fartingway

    I would say, “You are my hero,” but then I’d prob be clinically depressed. This is great.

  • Waicool

    timestamps confuse me

  • Sally Jenkins

    I tried to be really objective, but the situation actually reads better as if you were a thwarted cockblocker, rather than the cockblocked.

    • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

      If you’re at someone else’s place and they’re moving in on a chick, you’re the cockblocker. Nuff said. 

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        the narrative extends beyond our respective apartments and that given night bro

      • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

        I’ll give you that, especially seeing as I’m a master cockblocker myself. 

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        the narrative extends beyond our respective apartments and that given night bro

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      u r insane and inhuman, for i was clearly cockblocked

      • Anonymous

        I’m going to have to agree. I only say this a woman who (although also in possession of a large amount of women friends) does a hell of a lot of hanging out with my mens friends. And being a cockblocker. Sometimes inadvertently, but sometimes just to prove that I can. And then feign innocence, of course.

  • clairefm

    This could have failed miserably by the hands of another author, but it’s brilliantly done. Thanks for this. 

  • clairefm

    This could have failed miserably by the hands of another author, but it’s brilliantly done. Thanks for this. 

  • Best Guest

    I am an active female cockblocker..last time a guy tried to put the wood to me, I literally blocked his cock with a kung-fu move that I like to call “the wood chopper”. Fuck yeah, cockblock.

    • John Warmuth

      that’s not really cockblocking in the colloquial connotation.  Yes it is a physical cock block, (and your reticence is probably something you should have communicated to the guy before he had his penis out), but to cockblock in the sense that the author is talking about is a third party maneuver.  To either “steal” or turn-off the “cockfuck” before the cockblocked can close the deal.

      • Best Guest

        Hey, I was joking. Calm down, honey. It’s going to be okay.

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    loved the end paragraph. fucking gorgeous

  • leaf

    funny but depressing tho

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      that’s my house style bro

  • Team Chen

    You were cockblocked – The cockblocker had to do guilt eyes to make the cockfucker stay. You’re a good man, Jimmy Chen. 

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      Team Chen is losing. i hope you didn’t order any t-shirts.

  • J in DC

    Great article …. loved the diagram.

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    Accompanying you to the grocery store doesn’t guarantee you action. Unless–and you very may well be–you’re just that damn good.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i never said going to grocery store with me meant a lay, just her emotional orientation…

      • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

        Alright, let me put it to you this way: having her emotional orientation doesn’t guarantee your cock any entry to anything that it could be blocked from. 

  • Anonymous

    Jimmy you continue to amaze me. Thanks again! 

  • Anonymous

    You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

  • Anonymous

    Not sure I believe in this cockblock scenario. If that girl wanted you instead of your friend there is nothing that could have stopped her from accompanying you. Women aren’t so easy to manipulate that they would choose someone less appealing because of a brief guilt ploy (most women are more dogged in their pursuits than men). Sorry to say this– I don’t think you were ever in the game.

    True cockblock = refusing to leave an area in which a bro and his inamorata are both wanting to be alone. 

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i think there are symbolic “window” moments of opportunity where the males present themselves as alpha or beta, which influences the woman’s feelings; so yes, this particular night was just a night, but it spawned a certain dynamic. so like, a cockblock cloud.

  • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

    The bleakness of the last paragraph really resonated. Reminds me of all the times my efforts to hook up have been thwarted and I wander home alone and drunk, cursing the world.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      fuck yeah bro!

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    love the almost scientific approach. love the jc though. Is it the movie “Super Bad” where the cops talk about guiding the cock instead of cock blocking. really sweet!

blog comments powered by Disqus