My Psychological Profile Illustrated

In which this contributor self-diagnoses and conceptualizes his psychological paradigm in effort to acclimate his new therapist, whose task may be somewhat ponderous.

Pretty basic stuff here: Mom’s a saint, Dad’s an asshole, women are bitches, and God is dead. Of course, it’s not that simple, and this is all somewhat self-diagnosed, with the help of the internet. I’m a pretty fast learner so I’ll spare you any modesty and just tell you that I probably have it 88-90% correct. I got issues people — headed by anger, abandonment, and control; thus, gonna get patricide on my Dad, take my Mom out to an expensive lunch, and find some tits not connected to a brain (respectively of course). I start seeing a therapist this Friday at 6:30 pm, every Friday for — per the referral of my “intake” psychologist — for the next 2-3 years, the projected amount of time it’ll take to shrink my head. It’s a good thing I have health insurance and a penchant for talking about myself for the full hour. To all the ladies in the house, just gimme like a couple of years to “deal,” which should be ample time to get on some meds yourself. Getting on a diet wouldn’t hurt, unless you’re anorexic. Either way, that last buffalo wing is mine. This, of course, would be our first date. Let’s get ready for some happy, srsly. TC mark


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  • Woyzeck

    I feel like you've asked me to swallow a big, confusing brick. Your therapist is going to love you.

    • Jimmy Chen

      felt guilty about commenting “you had me at swallow” for 15-18 minutes, then said fuck it and went ahead

      • Woyzeck

        When I was writing it I toyed with adding “sometimes a brick is just a brick” but I relented. I enjoyed the article, incidentally.

  • Seymour Blake

    It's weird that you see Atheism as a negative consequence of your upbringing.

    • Jordan

      I think it's one of those angry, agressive atheisms, not just a 'failure to conclude' atheism.

      • Jimmy Chen

        whoops, no it's not, i am not aggressive in any way.

  • Jordan

    I love reading about your emotional problems more than anyone on TC!  Good luck at the therapist, and keep writing.

    • Jimmy Chen

      this is less abt emo probs than sweet ass illustrator licks, but thx

  • misskimball

    I think you would be better with some tits that are connected to a brain. Is entropy fucked up things becoming more fucked up? I think we just have to deal with that

    I hope your therapy works jimmy chen, you are the most interesting writer on here

    • Jimmy Chen

      entropy, miss kimball, is like when an avocado becomes guacamole, it can never return to an avocado, even if you made perfectly inverse/backwards movements in a theoretical vacuum; a common way it's described is 'the tendency of disorder in the universe.' thanks.

      • misskimball

        I like guacamole but hate avocado so in my diagram I would have entropy on the left. I would also have an irrational fears section with identical twins and those machines that clean the sides of the streets. lol @ 'anus' btw

      • ryan chang

        confused by <3 for guac but h8 for avocados. though it's a 'phase change' it's still avocado. i think you like avocado by default. do you not like avocados, like, sliced?

  • merwou

    beautiful profile- wouldn't have expected anything LESS twisted.  Jimmy is the only reason to read TC.  Everyone else go back to class and stop pretending like you just discovered Europe.

    I'll send you flowers in the springtime Chen.

    • guest

      what's a europe

  • Michael Koh

    I missed you Jimmy

    • Jimmy Chen

      i've lost a lot of weight, get a new rifle scope bro

      • freddipass

        I missed you, too, Jimmy.  Glad you're going to therapy to find out what you already know (this coming from a therapist).

  • DJ Berndt

    Art and Porn are so much better than Self, anyway. viva la Void.

  • Danny

    That's giving a lot of credence to Freud.. I've had much more luck in mapping my defects using Maslow.

  • Brian McElmurry

    Fascinated and wanted to give hug. Life's confusing.

  • aa

    I love reading your posts among all the posts written by hot girls about having sex with hot guys in Europe.

    • Greg

      damn nailed it

  • Guest666

    where do tacos fit into all of this? also, i'm pretty sure we have the same father.

  • rina

    the buffalo wing's yours only if i get more bonchon chicken in the next meal


    its worth the painful flicking through of TC every few days to see if Jimmy Chen (or Megan Boyle) has done anything

  • Anne Hathaway

    jimmy chen i’ll swallow your cum

  • Holly

    ditto all the + comments. jimmy chen, i hope i run into you in sf someday. 

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