1. Intimacy — Some poached salmon and a side of golden beet salad with candied walnuts, paired with a glass of Pinto Grigio. Sure, you’d offer her some too, but she’s anorexic. The point is, the candlelight’s effect on her lovingly crafted face during this intimate dinner makes you remove the Duke Ellington CD and your pants. Compare this with Baxter’s freak out every time you grab the can opener for chili, what his inferior canine brain presumes to be “wet” dog food.
2. Fetch — Throw a ball 30 yards yonder and turn around to discover Rosie face-planted in the grass. You soon stop taking her to the park. Baxter, it goes without saying, is all game — a quick bounce and jolt down the field to return with the ball in his mouth, covered in a coat of that enthralled dog slime that is most endearing.
3. Loyalty — One would think dogs are most loyal, but here Rosie wins. Ignore her all weekend during a Black Ops binge, and she obediently stays by your side, her open palm a timeless invitation to a handjob — but you’re not interested, not until you make someone’s face explode. Baxter is more fickle. He’s in the kitchen by the empty food bowl giving you nasty looks.
4. Quiet — Let’s imagine somebody who has a dog and real doll also likes to sing Bob Dylan songs on his guitar. Now let’s say he’s only 7 (of 10) verses into “Desolation Row” (1965) and Baxter starts howling, either as interspecies accompaniment, barely verbal critique, or simply out of pain. But Rosie, she’s totes chill, just hanging out and not saying anything, like a good girlfriend should.
5. Eye contact — Humans are the only species to engage in the “missionary” position, implicating the psychological face-to-face component of love making. Try to get a profound eye contact moment in with Rosie, and she seems to be blankly gazing beyond you, as some cosmic commentary, just past your left shoulder. Meanwhile Baxter intently stares at you from the door way, his gaze from which you coyly avert.
6. Restraint — Fall asleep on the couch exhausted from a jog and slowly come to wake by an earnest rhythmic humping of your leg. “Oh, Rosie, control yourself you tart!” you begin to mouth through a smitten smirk, until you open your eyes to Baxter, the deep stare of his charcoal black eyes loving you with unresolved feelings while unbashedly having his desperate way with your leg.
7. Boners — First, we must introduce Holger, a male real doll from Frankfurt, who flew in for the weekend. Both Baxter and Holger’s boners were administered on Rosie c/o the solemn jurisdiction of this contributor, who was sure to have a 6-pack of Hefeweizen (“Weißbier”) handy that fateful night, and who remains completely neutral to what transpired. No further commentary will be provided.
8. Foreign Languages (presumed) — English is Rosie’s second language, which is why she remains reticent out of cultural self-consciousness. She is from Hungary, as identified by the packing slip’s shipping address. But we also imagine her cooing in French, as a demure girl (of legal age), while her rubbery viscera is penetrated. Baxter doesn’t know any languages (he is a dog).
9. Protection — Baxter may chase the mail man away, and surely jump in front of a car for its owner, but Rosie easily wins “protection” simply by not requiring any. Let us explain. While she is not STD free, she carries only the same STDs as her patron, who she lost her virginity to, and has since been monogamous with. In short, the patron is free to spunk his junk inside her without any qualms of new viruses.
10. Getting mail — Come back from a business trip and Rosie’s still sitting there in the breakfast nook like a retard, her waffles untouched. The mailbox is stuffed with junk mail, phone and cable bills, insurance notices, a hallmark card from grandma, and an overdue invoice for the last installment of, ironically, Rosie herself. Baxter stayed with the neighbors down the block, otherwise, one hopes, he would have gotten the mail.
11. Lingerie — This should be obvious. Let’s just say that Victoria’s secret is not that dogs look any good in cut-out sheer lace halter teddy.
12. Pain tolerance — BDSM, an acronym too painful to figure out, has got a lot to do with bondage, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism; basically, eroticism is derived from an unequal sexual relationship, and transgressions of sensory/sensual boundaries. What we’re trying to say is take a serrated bread knife to Rosie’s taint and her reaction aint that all bad. Just wave a gag-ball in front of Baxter and it’s out the doggie door fast.
13. Empathy — Spill some Zinfandel (2006, Duckhorn Decoy, Sonoma) on the new carpet and Rosie is completely unphased — just stares out at the wall, or the place between her face and the wall (it’s hard to tell), she couldn’t care less. Baxter, though, with a glint of refracted tears in his eyes, shares your humiliation. He feels this sadness. That soft canine heart is soup in your condo.
Real Doll: 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 11, 12
Real Dog: 2, 5, 10, 13