History of Mom Jeans

In the late 20th century, perhaps as existential concession to the futility of remaining attractive after marriage, and in part due to the late capitalist compulsion to buy crap indiscriminately, something awful happened: Moms across western part of the free world (i.e. North America, Europe)  began wearing pleated denim jeans tightly belted above the navel, somewhat masochistically tucking in their shirts under the already constricting waistline — not to show off their hourglass figure (if they still had it), but because they had sort of went insane by all the baby-talk, suburban hum of distant lawnmowers, and daytime television.

One main attribute of Mom Jeans is that they are worn without the cognizance of being worn. Of course, the Mom knows she is wearing jeans, just not the fact that they are “Mom Jeans”; hence, obliviousness to the phenomenon is an imperative of the phenomenon. When teenagers and embarrassed husbands have tried, nicely, to explain (a) what Mom Jeans are, and (b) that they are unwittingly wearing one, the Moms simply dismissed such claims, similar to indignant crack addicts when told they might be addicted to crack.  This may point to a dangerous fact, contradicting aforementioned assertions: that Moms who engage in such behavior are actually complicit in their mutual allegiance to continue the Mom Jeans revolution for future generations, bestowing on to their daughters this sad legacy.

When a girl is a teenager and in her early- to mid-twenties, she wants to secure a suitor, and a low-rider pair of tight jeans whose waistline is barely above the pubis and ass crack is a visually alluring device meant to incite natural feelings in the sperm giver, inclines which result in conveyance of genetic material. This is how the human race has survived for most of the 20th century. This is how the world works. Don’t hate the player, hate God.

Now imagine this young lady has secured a husband and had 2.5 children. It’s 6-8 years later, and 40-50 minutes away (usually inland) from the nearest metropolitan city. The utter lack of incentive to look attractive is aggravated by the prevalence of T.J. Maxx, JC Penney, Marshall’s, Kohl’s, Ross Dress for Less, and other places in which Mom Jeans are not only available, but offered at aggressive discounts, unabashedly displayed on mannequins whose san-face preempt the dour look of failure in life. The Mom, once a sensible young lady who just wanted some cock now and then, is now tired, celibate, and perhaps just a little tad resentful and mildly depressed. Alienated from popular “relevant” culture, Mom Jeans suddenly don’t seem like such a bad idea.

When a dozen Moms in Mom Jeans get together for Church, a bake sale, soccer game, or a PTA meeting, they culturally affirm one another, legitimizing their aesthetic plight with delusional lies such as “nice jeans!” “you look great,” and “[insert comment about how one’s ass is not as large as the wearer perceives it to be].” While African-American, Asian, and Hispanic woman have worn Mom Jeans, it is essentially practiced by white women, implicating socioeconomic parameters which suggest that Mom Jeans is a middle-class privilege; specifically, of being able to look horrible and still have one’s life somewhat in tact. That there are no real problems in life is often the problem.

Most unfortunate and notable of Mom Jeans is the “front butt,” a loose mound of lower-abdominal fat which resembles — with the help of Mom Jeans’ peculiar cut and design — a scaled down 66.7% version of the wearer’s buttocks, whose contour is corroborated easily by the Mom simply turning around. This “front butt” is an extended camel toe, which some have tried to rename the elephant toe, given its stately and daunting presence. On anniversaries, “front butts” have been fucked, and men have had nightmares.

The median age of the Mom Jeans wearer is 40, thus confirming that life ends at 40. Free-market democracy gave us malls and the ennui of complacency, and we have answered with Mom Jeans, some even acid-washed and pegged, a nod to former sluttier times. Every Mom was a babe, before time turned cruel. If there is a hell — as the whipped husbands who brave such jeans will testify — it is under the clammy puff a Mom Jeans’ crotch, barely tepid like a hopeless hot air ballon trying to levitate towards the heavens, as if such place could even possibly exist in a world with Mom Jeans. TC mark


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  • Lndsnvk

    What about the Dad Mustache?

    • Asforteri

      Selleck mustaches are kinda sexy, though..

  • _____

    I was really expecting this to go down the 'people who wear mom jeans ironically' path. Bravo for staying classy.

    • @srslydrew

      My signif other does this (the 'ironic' wearing). Help.

  • Acid


  • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

    ^ struck with memories of friends' moms


  • Joe

    Ad for “Butt Lift Jeans” right below the end of the article.

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    Moms tend to have mom bodies – so would you prefer they return to the whore jeans of their early 20's? Have some respect for all the (possibly) married ladies with offspring & enough common sense to cover up.

    • fl

      But shouldn't there be a happy medium, e.g. normal boot-cuts that rest right above the hips?

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        So… instead of one mound of post-baby flesh there's possibly two (because most post-baby bodies posses an abundance of excess flesh in the general stomach/hips region) and more fabric to cover potential cankles?

    • eric

      mom jeans don't cover up; they collect, focus, and finally project as if in flashing neon the mons pubis of the mom body, their opacity a mere euphemism in denim. beneath, the wearied accumulation of time a stippled history in cellulite may escape your gaze but it is nonetheless indelibly, unmistakably conjured in the dark lurid pit of your mind. and there, under the front butt of the forebrain, in the seat of all basic rhythms, that faint fat pulse resists, lingers, worries you over all that is running through and out and away and which won't ever return.

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        Your excessive use of fifty cent words and overly complex sentence structures (best left to waxing poetic in your LiveJournal, for future reference) make your response appear trite. Back to the el-Jay for you, eh?

      • eric

        it's good how you saved time by using the same burn twice and apparently not bothering to learn what 'trite' means. definitely saving these hot tips for future reference. what other writerly advice can you offer me?

  • Aelya

    But it's just as bad seeing a mom wearing skinny jeans,

  • padface

    In England anyway women seem to think that getting fat after procreating is acceptable, hence mom jeans. It's probably sub-conscious birth control.

    I don't understand why people in general let themselves go as they get older. I mean I'm not suggesting people go to the gym until they die, but at least have a salad and get some exercise once in a while ffs.

  • http://twitter.com/mzabinsky Meaghan Zabinsky

    “…unabashedly displayed on mannequins whose san-face preempt the dour look of failure in life.”

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    This was a pretty good article that I enjoyed reading and (unlike recent TC articles) did not make me feel negatively toward the writer.

    Mom jeans.

  • space mountain

    yo its called a fupa not a front butt

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      'fupa' is ridden with ironibonics; 'front butt' is a more clinical term

    • pewpdude

      Fatty Upper Pussy Area.

  • Greg

    “don't hate the player, hate god”

  • von

    fuck moms and their jeans

  • wkndstartsontuesday

    one of the best pieces ive read on here

  • turtlebucket

    Is this some kind of ironic retro thing or something? Complaining about mom jeans is kind of 2000.

    Or is this your own personal mother's day tribute, when you finally tell your mother how disgusting you think she is?

  • Guest666

    real talk though i love seeing a 20something slightly curvy(mostly from middle class, lazy, eat whatever but dont exercise and is relatively naturally sorta skinny) hipster white girl with a decent ass in some mom jeans/high rise jeans

  • just saying

    every man should read this article before he decides to propose to his sexy (read: skinny) early to late 20's girlfriend. does she have an insatiable appetite for taco bell, soda, and pizza? is her idea of a workout walking her dog around a park? are you certain her amazing metabolism makes such a lifestyle acceptable? well, expect mom jeans in the next decade moron.

  • Hbb

    I've been recently made aware of the “gunt,” which is a cunt gut. Is this the same thing as the front butt, or are we talking about different lumps of flesh?

  • Hbb

    I've been recently made aware of the “gunt,” which is a cunt gut. Is this the same thing as the front butt, or are we talking about different lumps of flesh?

  • Lola

    Someone needs to brush up on basic grammar and syntax, please. Throwing around grandiose vocabulary words and semicolons does not equate to good writing.

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