Public Disclaimers Concerning My Body

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1. Uncircumcised (ongoing)

The mechanics are somewhat complicated, but the foreskin is not really a unique piece of skin, more like “extra” skin that sort of folds into a layer over the penis when it retracts back towards the body in a flaccid state. This (for those on the side of our savior) was God’s intention, and I personally have no problem with it; in fact, this “built in” sheath is more comfortable/convincing than a sock or hollowed out squash, or whatever unfortunate excised men use as surrogate vaginas during self rapture. However, the uncircumcised penis, if one were to anthropomorphize it, portrays the countenance of a “frown,” given the wrinkles formed by bunched up skin. If you — and please, this second person is abstract — don’t mind the blind stare of a frowning dour weasel who wakes up excitedly, barfs, and falls back to sleep in less than fifteen minutes, then we might have a chance.

2. Scar from Pyloric Stenosis (12 days old)

Put simply, pyloric stenosis is when the pyloric valve between the esophagus and stomach doesn’t open properly, leading to malnutrition and possible death. The scar from the surgery which saved my life grew from 1-centimeter to 4-inches over the course of 34 years, articulating a seam between two unfortunate layers of belly fat, the result of too many beers and not enough miles on the tread mill. My mother, who gave me life, also saved it 12 days later, as neither my father or the doctors believed her tale of a dying infant. She cried her way to the emergency room, and here I am still. The scar is an em dash on my belly — always reminding me of who I love in this world the most. To read a line on one’s palm is to know the future. To read a line on one’s body is to know the past.

3. Scar from Hernia (2 years old)

I have a scar on my lower right abdomen from a herniated protrusion, which is when your guts “pop out” of their abdominal lining, often dropping into the testes. No 2-year-old should have guts for balls, no matter how manly it may sound. I obviously don’t remember the incident which instigated popping/dropping, but my mother regales family members with vivid details of such “cute” protrusion. It seems I was “wound” back up a little too tightly by the surgeons, as my right testicle is now permanently higher than its partner, perhaps with a more pensive view of the world. Those with easily induced vertigo should not stare at my balls, for their tiered dichotomy embody all that is dizzying in this somewhat unbalanced and unfair world.

4. Bald (onset, age 25)

They say that men who bald from the front are great thinkers; men who bald from the back are great lovers; and men who bald from both front and back think they are great lovers. Well, I think this is all bullshit, and the myth that women are subconsciously attracted to bald men because such condition is indicative of high levels of testosterone. That’s like saying you want a fat chick because her left ass is a batch of estrogen. I’ve been using the same electric shaver ($14.99) for the past 7 years and a bottle of Dove shampoo (for delicate hair, $4.05) will last me 1.5 years; for those of you weary of math, my hair budget is $4.22 dollars a year. I shave my head about every 3 weeks in the bathroom, going over my scalp with my other hand to check for missed patches of hair. I am likely to arrange the shavings on the counter into a female muff, perhaps the sister I never had, because that’s how I roll.

5. Severely near-sighted (onset, age 15)

I clearly remember being a sophomore in high school and squinting at the chalk board; and no, I was not impersonating an Asian. I simply could not see whatever geometric proof I was suppose to see. Nothing added to 180°, save the internal oven of my heart’s growing resent. Six months later (my upbringing was rather “casual”), I officially belonged to the allegiance of nerds whose plastic frames awkwardly clasped their heads, magnifying their vision into a still blurry world. Perhaps it was too much The Legend of Zelda, or simply genes. Today, the cool literary kids fashion kitschy spectacles which aim to retroactively propel them as solemnly bookish, which I would buy if they acted a little more solemn. I thought about Lasik surgery, but I don’t see the point of a laser flaying open my cornea. I simply don’t see.

6. Tight scrotum (first perceived in c. 1987)

This is probably related to No. 3, or maybe I spiritually live in perpetually cold weather, but my scrotum — at least compared to the porn I watch — is on the “tight” side, like it doesn’t swing the way I see a nice pair of healthy balls swing. Imagine putting a tangerine inside a sock, that is what I mean by swinging. Now imagine this same tangerine duct-taped to a wall; these are my balls, or at least one of them. A tangerine duct-tapped to a wall, 1/4th of a room in which no woman shall reside due to this unfortunate lack of “freedom swinging.” I understand one should not compare one’s sexual anatomy to the swollen auspices of porn — and maybe there are legions of men with tight balls walking around with bowed heads and ulcers — but I like to aim high with my porn, which I why sometimes I hit the ceiling.

7. Respiratory tics

I’ve been diagnosed with mild-OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, okay? Did you get that? Or do I need to repeat myself?), a psychological condition which also manifests in nail biting, catastrophic thinking, various dependencies, and counting regiments (in triplets) before I leave my condo. But the main and most noticeable thing are the various sniffs and hacks derived from my nasal cavity and throat, respectively, as if trying to breathe in-and-out the ghost of one’s calmer self. Short of recording an .mp3 let me just say these respiratory tics are intricately composed and performed like Steve Reich on Ativan. Sniff-hack-hack-cough-sigh, sniff-hack-hack-cough-sigh, sniff-hack-hack-cough-sigh, etc. The less patient of my friends have all asked “what the fuck is [my] problem,” to which I answer sniff-hack-hack-cough-sigh “What?” Did I mention I also suffer from hay fever? I’m a Claritin® junky come Spring, ripping open boxes like a zombie.

8. Sixth toe

Bear with me. I don’t have a 6th toe as we speak, but I will have one in around 200,000 years, if you believe in evolution. Let me explain. I currently have a coarse “nub” at the end of each pinky toenail, an evolutionary precursor to a 6th toe. My mom told me this when I first noticed it at age 12 or so. She gets her science from Korean soap operas. From a single cell organism, to a tadpole, to a lizard, to a monkey, to the current form of human, you will notice that we have acquired more digits. Following this logic, one can calmly assert that the Chinese male (by the way, many Chinese males have this toenail nub) is the most evolved human being on earth, and thank God because there are a lot of us. The 6th toe will help “Human II” (aka Wang) balance better, run faster, and maybe foot cello. Or, we will simply have one more digit to text our eventual victory with. We all know China is the next global Empire, and my boarding pass is already printed out, tucked safely inside a folded P.F. Chang’s menu. Like the sixth sense, the sixth toe is not easily perceived. I’d be happy to show you, though I must warn you, it’s only beautiful from a distance. TC mark

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  • azi

    my god, this was hilarious, i'm sorry about that though, but this was great.

  • Aechjay

    A highly entertaining read. I cracked up.

  • ryan chang

    so good. i now love my chinese-proto-sixth-digit.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      dr. chang, please regale this audience with an account of your 6th toe, to “prove” that this phenomenon is 4 realz

      • ryan chang

        said nub seems to be part toenail, part regenerative tough skin; but mine is also coarse and separate from 'pure' toenail. potential biological/hereditary differences across the different regions and ethnicities across china and genghis khan's hereditary influence can be factors in the difference between our nubs, mr. chen, but after observing the pinky toes of white girls, vietnamese girls, white caucasian male toes in several gym showers, my dad's toes, and my brother's toes, i've discovered my pinky nub only exists for the chinese male, which is now corroborated by your post.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    lol

  • Doctorduk2001

    better to have a tight scrotum than long balls

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i remember seeing a photo of mischa barton's then-bf's extreme 'long' balls, and i don't think it's a coincidence ms. barton entertained such swinging enterprise. this is my way of saying thanks, but no way.

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

    what about the tail

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      you're looking the wrong way, see No. 1

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    awesome.

  • Blah

    Why do you insist on writing articles that make you seem repulsive to your preferred gender?

    • Katie

      LOL exactly what I was thinking

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      'not scoring' is an art, you daft douche; jesus christ, read some E.M. Forster

    • humblecore

      You call it repulsive, I call it brutally and hilariously honest about the ways in which these stupid flesh machines can be weird.

  • http://ericbeeny.blogspot.com Eric Beeny

    So, so funny. Thought of Larry David (“Long-Ball Larry”). I'm right there with you, Jimmy, re OCD/respiratory tics. Keep hacking away…

  • mint

    i love you jimmy chen

    even if you gave me false hope that my chinese boyfriend would have the beginnings of a sixth toe
    guess not every chinese male is genetically elite like you
    bummed

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      ryan chang has a sixth toe (see below); maybe your bf is Korean. bros not bombs…

  • aestheticallychallenged

    “the blind stare of a frowning dour weasel who wakes up excitedly, barfs, and falls back to sleep in less than fifteen minutes” made me laugh so much harder that I thought it would.

  • Ok

    “as if trying to breathe in-and-out the ghost of one’s calmer self”

    Amazing. This was great.

  • Brandypass

    Mr. Chen I want to be a liked and hilarious depressive like you and not a “piece of shit.” How do I do that?

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