On Booty

Many women, usually white – though of any “race,” except black — mutually lament that they don’t have large or larger booties (also known as rumps, junk [in the trunk], badonkadonk, etc.), an unfortunate example of women obliquely imposing abstract standards and subsequent judgment of one another, because men – again, except black – aren’t necessarily drawn to, in fact, are somewhat scared, of the extreme convex tautness and manifest physical hyperbole of a booty.

This is not to say “we” (however tentative and strained my allegiance to my gender is) are not anthropologically hard-wired to enjoy the natural curve of a woman’s ass; it’s just that a booty — perhaps, in its ebonic capacity of demographic attribution — is simply too much to deal with, and by “deal” I mean figuratively and literally grasp. Size is relative, so let me break it down with poultry: may a big butt be two turkeys, and a regular butt be two chickens, and a small butt be two cornish hens. May these birds not be frozen.

This may have all started in 1992, when Sir Mix-a-Lot via ass-anthem Baby Got Back proclaimed “[he] like[s] big butts and [he] cannot lie,” leading women to think that all men liked big butts. Ladies, we are not so shallow. All we want is (a) an adequate ass, (b) a kind/warm, somewhat maternally nurturing yet playfully subversive personality, (c) at least a high school diploma and preferably college degree, (d) public handjobs within a 50 yd. radius of a park ranger or security guard, and (e) a mental peer and/or spiritual mate. That is all we ask for. Can somebody please write that down? Do not think we all want Beyoncé; she can put my belongings in a box “to the left [ad infin]” that’s fine I don’t want to date her anymore anyways.

The pleasant aesthetics of “doggie style” rely on a gentleman witnessing his dong’s intra-face with a lady’s ass in “real time” as each abdominal thrust distributes “ass ripples” traversing her ass to lower back, whose occasional sporadic syncopations touch upon jazz’s most enlightened moments. Such ass ripple imagery evokes being lost at sea among waves of soft ass, perhaps after a tempest, the air still humid with putang. But if a woman’s ass is a booty, he will get “lost” inside the acute crevices of such a large rump, and it is far from a coincidence that only black and Latina women host these formidable booties, as their prime suitor demographic is the Black Male, whose dong’s girth and length is rather unlikely to get fucking “lost” anywhere.

And so, in the final moments of our rump ridden inquiry, let me just say that I respect all black people, and it is not about that. This is about me, as I am your esteemed writer. This is what I want: for you to come to my place with dainty panties whose visible hem offer the profound “panty line.” I want you to tease me with the pain of plausibility. I want not a jiggling rap video booty, but just a butt. A nice anthropologically sound, soft, woman’s ass. I want to calmly rest my snifter on the counter, to hell with the rest of my Rémy Martin XO Spécial ($141.99, 750ml). I want the walls, in our final embrace, to melt around us like home bukkake. I want to hold, in my humble deserving hands, the still warm bounty of that lush ass, behind the prosaic clothing that only turns you away from me. I shall have your behind, graced with wisps of that weeping willow hair, leaving my past, that tumor of failed imaginings, behind. TC mark

image – iStockPhoto.com

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  • http://avantgardebagpipesolos.tumblr.com/ Omar De Col

    jimmy…

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle
  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    this is the first and only thought I have had on this article so far after only reading the title and seeing the picture accompanying it on my facebook newsfeed: “YES!''
    I will reply again with my thoughts on the article in a couple seconds, or a minute.

  • Rebecca

    Wow, I knew after the first paragraph that this would be the dumbest thing I would read all day. And it's only 10:19 a.m. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! Thanks for making me realize that today will only get better from here. Really though, Thought Catalog, I'm disappointed.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sorry for approaching your readership from the wrong angle. can you turn around?

    • http://twitter.com/crispinbest crispin best

      Replying to Rebecca

    • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

      dat ass

    • Guest

      back dat azz up

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    I'm not attracted to body parts, just complete persons.

  • srsly?

    this is really effing offensive. seriously, thought catalog?

    • http://twitter.com/crispinbest crispin best

      Replying to srsly?

    • Guest

      why so Srsly?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901223 Nicolette Beach

    Bad satire makes Jesus kick babies.

    • http://twitter.com/crispinbest crispin best

      Replying to Nicolette Beach

  • Dollshot

    Come on, it's his opinion. And it cracked me up.

  • AaronWB

    “at least a high school diploma and preferably college degree,”

    Only part I disagree with. Seems like the equivalent of certain women's obsession with income level/status symbols.

    Who cares what level of education a woman has? I think a free-spirited, self-reliant woman who dropped out of high school and yet still attained a high level of knowledge through life/independent study would be completely sexy and awesome.

    Arbitrary distinctions like “degrees” seem suffocating anyway. Elitist designations. Bourgeois badge of honor. Blah.

    • http://twitter.com/crispinbest crispin best

      Replying to AaronWB

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      dude, relax

  • http://twitter.com/crispinbest crispin best

    u respect robert mugabe? r u 4 real?!

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sweet ass c. best nurturing this comment thread, thx.

  • jenna

    What an articulate and creatively-written way to make women feel bad about their bodies. You're well on your way into the canon of English literature.

    But Jimmy, I do still think you're swell.

    • AaronWB

      Eh, get off the high horse. Seems like it is pretty much impossible to write about the intersection of male desire and female bodies without “making women feel bad about their bodies.” If internet articles make you “feel bad about your body” you are lame and weak. If “feeling bad about your body” is a serious issue for you, you must have a cushy life with few real problems.

      Anyway, the purpose of writing is not to avoid making women feel bad about their bodies. What a narcissistic and trivial issue to constantly be policing. Looks like you busted another male perp, lady officer.

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        dude, relax

      • AaronWB

        Dude, ok.

      • Samantha

        “If 'feeling bad about your body' is a serious issue for you, you must have a cushy life with few real problems”
        LOL. You're a man who has never had to deal with the beauty standards stuffed down women's throats since we were 3 and watching Disney movies. Shut up.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      why u feel bad? i just talked about sweet lush asses; not trying to be obtuse, but i feel like i complimented women's asses in general

  • Marthabuca

    I have many thoughts, but will just say that someone needs to travel the world, see more, know more, respect more and write less.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i am willing to bet my eternal spot in a comfortable mausoleum that you enjoyed “eat, pray, love.”

      • Guest

        ZING

  • unemployed classicist

    This would make Ovid proud. No mention of ass ripples in “Art of Love.”

    • Becca

      Ovid needs to update dat shittocks.

  • TCLurker

    “…that I respect all black people”. I guess that statement should make the article “less offensive”.
    Sigh…

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      my favorite pianist is thelonious monk

  • JustOneCynic

    Rex likes 'booty', but then Rex isn't a guy, per se…. http://isrexadog.blogspot.com/

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    Ok this is funny.
    I find round plump butts attractive, yes there is more to it than simply the quantity of mass, shape is equally influent. But I can appreciate the butt of a girl who I am attracted to just as well, and even overlook a small one.
    One of the girls who I've crushed the hardest on had a 'small butt' apparently and I never noticed or thought about it until I heard someone else saying it, and I was still like “well I guess she's not a reef girl but I don't see anything wrong with her butt”.
    Also most of the few girls I've hooked up with have been white and of regular butts, having had to reassure at least one that hers was perfectly fine and well, hot, jesus..

    Beauty standards are biological and cultural and relative, healthiness is universally attractive, and character/personality is the most important trait to me, possibly.

    And there's plenty of white males with big dicks, do you ever watch porn?

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      lol stinson 'liked this' cos u mentioned his dong. carlos, thanks for checking in. i wish i had your game. keep on propagating.

  • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen
  • lila

    So if you have a large ass guys with little dicks will avoid you. I'm not seeing a problem with this ladies. Why be offended? Good looking out man.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i sensed this comment coming from six inches away

  • elaine

    omg

  • jfkleahj

    couldnt even finish reading this dumb shit haha

  • unemployed classicist

    St. Augustine lived in present-day Ethiopia. Before he fused with God, and wrote The Confessions, he devoted his life to ass ripples.

  • a polar bear or whatever

    10/10

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    I like the two turkey, chickens, game hens. Great analogy. I think the spanky aspect (ass-pect) was missing from this piece though. A little game hens-booty might not be able to take it.

  • Rosie

    On all the articles I've come to read on Thought Catalog, this was definitely the more offensive and sexist ones. How nice, a man objectifying women by comparing their asses to poultry, and discussing the logistics of “doggie style”. As a feminist, I am offended.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i was not qualifying ass to poultry, merely using the latter birds as a reference of scale, which for me was 'neutral.' i actually enjoyed employing the tiered 'matryoshka doll' size(s) of cornish hen → chicken → turkey, felt that was a nice touch. also, it is sexist for you to think “doggie style” is man's jurisdiction; women, with the aid of “double dildos” [i believe they are called], can said style onto each other.

    • lolz

      lol @ “as a feminist”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1183680010 Samuel Walker

    lol @ ass ripples

    http://bon.gs/tile/#img=http:/

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