Top Five Racists

That an examination of racist groups employs its own racism is a purposeful concession to its inevitability, for which this contributor is weary of apologizing.

5. Hispanics

“La Raza” means “the Race,” employed by Hispanics with a penchant for multi-generational gang warfare. They flash complex gang signs and tattoo their torsos with blunt/dirty needles, which is nice n’ hardcore and all, but deep down inside they just want to have day long barbecues without first obtaining a permit at the local park—the young males showing off their car’s hydraulics, the ladies showing off that Latina ass. Mention “Caucasian” to them, and they’ll probably go off on how the United States used to be Mexico; and true, while they are technically right, I for one am glad this is not Mexico anymore. 1-ply toilet paper and 4 kilos of coke ain’t no way to charm this sensitive contributor.

4. Orientals

You ever see a nigga enjoying sushi? No, because the Japs hate black people and have mastered the “evil [however slanted] eye,” preventing a chill negro from getting crunk on wasabi. And Koreans, omg—let’s just say these people hate everybody, especially blacks. My Dad is a classic Chinese racist: he refuses to watch Friday (1995) because, quote “[he] do[es]n’t care about how black people feel.” Every time I watch The Cosby Show, he sighs and leaves the room. And the Vietnamese are still rather touchy about the ’70s, and the Filipino—I guarantee you—are plotting a coup to take over all the cruise ships in the Pacific. Orientals seem socially benign because they/we tend to be well behaved, but that doesn’t mean they/we are not an extremely angry and hateful bunch. Oh, and my uncle hates exercise and the Jews.

3. Muslims

Wow, these guys have been really pissed off lately; it’s like they enjoy being pissed off. You always see them on YouTube or CNN shouting “[untranslated, and phlegm-ridden]” into the camera. Well, I’d be pissed off too if I had to pray every five minutes, wear vague yet excessive layers of fabric in +110° weather, and eat hummus mixed with sand and war-town rubble all day. Every time I get a falafel wrap, I feel slightly nervous from association. I keep imagining some guy behind me with a fucking bazooka going Allah! Al-ackh mal-aghk!!! The Koran is the single worst book in the world, and this is coming from someone who hates the Bible. These PO’d anti-bros want to kill the Jews, white Americans, and toss in everyone else for good measure. Maybe the tolerant times have been passing me by and I’ve been living in a cave, but I just feel these constantly manic people should get over living in a cave.

2. Blacks

Blacks have a sort of “free pass” at being racists because of the slavery thing, and while I do empathize with their historical plight, you don’t see Jews walking around pistol whipping and/or bitch slapping Germans. This inverse retro-active sense of entitlement is only propagated by White Guilt, as whites bow their heads shamefully thinking “yes, we suck, we are so white—sorry my great-grandfather raped your great-grandmother.” Blacks don’t just hate whites, they hate Asians too, as they are jealous of our SAT, GRE, MCAT, and LSAT scores. (We, in turn, are jealous of their cock size.) Every time I watch comedy on BET it’s another black person saying “white people” this and “white people” that—basically, either glibly or with an implicit touch of sincere derision, ridiculing white folks. Blacks enjoys this “win-win” situation of being the final authority on who’s racist while the pensive rest of us remain reticent, like they can love fried chicken and watermelon, but I’m not allowed to say anything about it, lest I be called a racist. Fucking absurd.

1. Whites

For whites, racism is a complex and highly evolved art form, full of oblique allusions and reverse psychology. The trick is the institutionalize it, embed it so deeply and subconsciously that one can flaunt the liberties of ostensible equality while socioeconomically gaining from the very thing you publicly decry. But deep down inside, white people see their race as the “pure” race, untinted by the jizm of the more primitive folk. For example, a wasp lady may cite Sidney Poitier as her favorite actor, or John Coltrane as her favorite musician, but she’ll fucking freak if her daughter brings home a black dude for Thanksgiving. White people only want to consume the culture of the colored races, but toss in some nigga spunk and holy fucking Christ! Don’t want no mulatto. Just wanna get that .jpeg in front of Taj Mahal, “slum it” for some Ph? in little Saigon, maybe pick up a Maya Angelou calendar on the way back, buy your kid some Air Jordans—but stay calm in the whitest neighborhood in town, getting fancy with the cumin w/ Coltrane in the background, olive oiling up the pork tenderloin, rubbing it down, rubbing it good, while trying to squint away that beautiful black monster jungle cock from your untainted mind. TC mark

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