Top Five Racists

That an examination of racist groups employs its own racism is a purposeful concession to its inevitability, for which this contributor is weary of apologizing.

5. Hispanics

“La Raza” means “the Race,” employed by Hispanics with a penchant for multi-generational gang warfare. They flash complex gang signs and tattoo their torsos with blunt/dirty needles, which is nice n’ hardcore and all, but deep down inside they just want to have day long barbecues without first obtaining a permit at the local park—the young males showing off their car’s hydraulics, the ladies showing off that Latina ass. Mention “Caucasian” to them, and they’ll probably go off on how the United States used to be Mexico; and true, while they are technically right, I for one am glad this is not Mexico anymore. 1-ply toilet paper and 4 kilos of coke ain’t no way to charm this sensitive contributor.

4. Orientals

You ever see a nigga enjoying sushi? No, because the Japs hate black people and have mastered the “evil [however slanted] eye,” preventing a chill negro from getting crunk on wasabi. And Koreans, omg—let’s just say these people hate everybody, especially blacks. My Dad is a classic Chinese racist: he refuses to watch Friday (1995) because, quote “[he] do[es]n’t care about how black people feel.” Every time I watch The Cosby Show, he sighs and leaves the room. And the Vietnamese are still rather touchy about the ’70s, and the Filipino—I guarantee you—are plotting a coup to take over all the cruise ships in the Pacific. Orientals seem socially benign because they/we tend to be well behaved, but that doesn’t mean they/we are not an extremely angry and hateful bunch. Oh, and my uncle hates exercise and the Jews.

3. Muslims

Wow, these guys have been really pissed off lately; it’s like they enjoy being pissed off. You always see them on YouTube or CNN shouting “[untranslated, and phlegm-ridden]” into the camera. Well, I’d be pissed off too if I had to pray every five minutes, wear vague yet excessive layers of fabric in +110° weather, and eat hummus mixed with sand and war-town rubble all day. Every time I get a falafel wrap, I feel slightly nervous from association. I keep imagining some guy behind me with a fucking bazooka going Allah! Al-ackh mal-aghk!!! The Koran is the single worst book in the world, and this is coming from someone who hates the Bible. These PO’d anti-bros want to kill the Jews, white Americans, and toss in everyone else for good measure. Maybe the tolerant times have been passing me by and I’ve been living in a cave, but I just feel these constantly manic people should get over living in a cave.

2. Blacks

Blacks have a sort of “free pass” at being racists because of the slavery thing, and while I do empathize with their historical plight, you don’t see Jews walking around pistol whipping and/or bitch slapping Germans. This inverse retro-active sense of entitlement is only propagated by White Guilt, as whites bow their heads shamefully thinking “yes, we suck, we are so white—sorry my great-grandfather raped your great-grandmother.” Blacks don’t just hate whites, they hate Asians too, as they are jealous of our SAT, GRE, MCAT, and LSAT scores. (We, in turn, are jealous of their cock size.) Every time I watch comedy on BET it’s another black person saying “white people” this and “white people” that—basically, either glibly or with an implicit touch of sincere derision, ridiculing white folks. Blacks enjoys this “win-win” situation of being the final authority on who’s racist while the pensive rest of us remain reticent, like they can love fried chicken and watermelon, but I’m not allowed to say anything about it, lest I be called a racist. Fucking absurd.

1. Whites

For whites, racism is a complex and highly evolved art form, full of oblique allusions and reverse psychology. The trick is the institutionalize it, embed it so deeply and subconsciously that one can flaunt the liberties of ostensible equality while socioeconomically gaining from the very thing you publicly decry. But deep down inside, white people see their race as the “pure” race, untinted by the jizm of the more primitive folk. For example, a wasp lady may cite Sidney Poitier as her favorite actor, or John Coltrane as her favorite musician, but she’ll fucking freak if her daughter brings home a black dude for Thanksgiving. White people only want to consume the culture of the colored races, but toss in some nigga spunk and holy fucking Christ! Don’t want no mulatto. Just wanna get that .jpeg in front of Taj Mahal, “slum it” for some Ph? in little Saigon, maybe pick up a Maya Angelou calendar on the way back, buy your kid some Air Jordans—but stay calm in the whitest neighborhood in town, getting fancy with the cumin w/ Coltrane in the background, olive oiling up the pork tenderloin, rubbing it down, rubbing it good, while trying to squint away that beautiful black monster jungle cock from your untainted mind. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/FrozenFabulist John Morrow

    Wow, I'm sure you probably missed one or two stereotypes somewhere along the way.

    Pity that you took an interesting topic and just went for lame jokes instead of saying something about the issue.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      maybe 2morrow mr. morrow

    • http://www.somethinginteractive.com/ Michael J Kormendy

      That's the point JM,.. the entire beauty of this post. Outlines the state of the matter perfectly.

  • http://twitter.com/SteveAGrimes Steve Grimes

    This had so much potential for the satire that you were trying for.
    Unfortunately, you missed the mark.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      no love from category “No. 2”; street cred down 34%

      • Gregory Jean

        reaaaally liked this. Like Paul mooney said “everybody want be a nigger, but nobody want to be a nigger.” However, I've given up on attempting to explain this to my white friends.

  • http://twitter.com/alinatrifan Alina Trifan

    Seriously?

  • HUH

    Not funny. Offensive. Write about something you know, like ass hair. Thumbs down.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      don't say ass and thumb so close 2gether, i have an idea now.

  • rp

    “…I for one am glad this is not Mexico anymore. 1-ply toilet paper and 4 kilos of coke ain’t no way to charm this sensitive contributor.”

    Have you ever visited Mexico? I mean, really visited? Away from the border town drug wars and U.S. immigrant culture, Mexican people and their society are nothing like what you describe. You are basing your opinion of an entire country on a few, displaced Hispanics that you've met from within your own country.

    Ah, the irony.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      yah i been to mexico twice and did not enjoy myself either time. you should visit 24th street in the outer mission in SF, just don't wear red or blue.

      • fl

        Which taco-eating method did you employ during your most recent visit to said street, just wondering.

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        walking quickly down 24th st. at 11:00pm with 'brain taco' so as to not get fucking shot

      • rp

        Haha. Where did you visit? Tijuana??

  • Slavoj Zizek

    Satire is satire. Everything smart is not politically correct. Thanks Jimmy Chen.

    • Scarlett

      This was neither.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    If you want people to think you are most likely a racist you succeeded.

    But seriously fuck white people.

  • THAT'S RACIST!!!1!
  • Kate

    Okay, so… this is supposed to be funny because you're parroting the tirades your racist uncle spews out during an awkward family reunion, kind of like how “Meet the Spartans” et al. were supposed to be funny because they parroted trailers from whatever movies were marginally popular at the time.

    “Ironic” bigotry is about as creative and edgy as Chuck Norris jokes.

  • Oatmeal

    Hahaha!! I love that so many lower themselves by getting angry at things like this. The simple facts are that stereotypes do not come from thin air. And, as I like to say, “Show me someone that claims that they are not a racist, and I will show you a liar.” This post illustrates this fact. Now, I am a White Anglo Saxon Protestant (W.A.S.P.) and the stereotypes are true, I have an expansionist attitude. For example, I do not agree with the position of the border with Mexico. I think Presedent Polk made a horrible mistake giving Mexico back, and drawing the border were he did. Forget wasting valuable resources on “rebuilding” the middle east and garding a wall in the south western U.S. When the same resources could be used to take Mexico back. It solves the border problem by giving us a much smaller border leving that burden to our Navy/Coastgaurd, also gives us a good boost to our tourist industry. Yes! I want the world!

  • fl

    I wonder how many people missed the fact that this article was categorized under “humor.” Congratulawelldone.

    • Kate

      Oh, I saw the category. I just didn't think it delivered.

      • fl

        Then I can't help but to wonder if the readers' own ethnic identification has any correlation on the amount of humor they took from this article. From a purely sociological standpoint, of course. I'm Asian-American and found this hilarious.

        I might also just be a douchebag. I will accept either explanation.

  • Racism is funny

    HA, this shit is hilarious. Everybody being a cry baby, just be glad you aren't in mexico where you'd have to wipe your stupid tears and blow your stupid nose with that 1-ply toilet paper. Shit would be a tragedy.

  • http://richard-yates.tumblr.com mario

    top 5 races

  • http://twitter.com/adamhump adamhump

    jimmy chen this is milquetoast

    man-up and say something really offensive for once, faggot

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      adam treehump, meet eve (e.g. humping trees after dusk you fag)

      • http://twitter.com/adamhump adamhump

        exCUSE me?

      • tommmmm

        I liked it, Jimmy Chen.

  • tommmmm

    muslims lol

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      'muslims lol' seems sweet idea 4 t-shirt

      • http://twitter.com/lulabelleniche Gabrielle Bodek

        tommmm's comment wasn't funny until I imagined it on a tshirt

  • Jose Rizal

    Is this satire? I'm sure it is. Most of what you've said is quite ignorant, but some parts were hilarious like the 'monster jungle cock' — that was great. A poster said that this was posted under Humor, which is not indicated anywhere.

    Btw, I'm Filipino and was raised in the Middle East and as far as I know, we are quite benign.
    …right now.

  • Onepersonsjunk

    Based on this post, I'm guessing “Jimmy Chen” is a nom de plume for Lisa Lampanelli.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      she's actually mild during those comedy central 'roasts' compared to the other bros

  • curt

    chen wins 4 lyfe

  • http://twitter.com/srslydrew Andrew Farr

    Holy hell, man. Yes.

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    You got it right with Vietnamese people being touchy about the '70s. Props for that, Jimmy Chen!

  • Guest

    Painfully unfunny.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      i am sad.

  • Chaoscossack

    Bad taste is humorous only if it's not hackneyed, ham-fisted and predictable.
    Way to fail, Jimmy Chen.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      plz link this on failblog. i need more 'hits'

  • Christie

    I laughed,
    then read all these comments and kind of felt like a d-bag.
    Fuck it, I still enjoyed it.
    You never fail in my eyes, Mr.Chen. :)

  • Aaron

    Hilarious. As a white person, I am glad someone with an ethnic name wrote because if it had been someone with a WASP name I wouldn't have been allowed to enjoy it.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      and Aaron sounds like Aryan so you double fuckd

  • RufusRAINRIGHT

    Feel like all the people being mean to Jimmy Chen in the comments are racist towards asains

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