Diagnosing Depressives in Popular Film

Edward Scissorhands (in Edward Scissorhands)

Overview: Ed is only half-human, and his maker died before he was finished. He has scissors for hands and deep scars all over his face. One can safely assume he is a virgin, and probably failed at masturbating. He lives on a lonely hill, at the edge of town. He looks like he would enjoy Joy Division, but alas, has no CD player. Ed is brought into town by an Avon lady, and soon falls in love with Winona Ryder’s character, a semi-shallow girl just “deep enough” to see Ed’s coy and mysterious allure, despite cruel admonishments from her shallow suburban LA valley-esque friends. But their tryst is ill-fated, via conventional cultural and personal conflict, and Ed is exiled by the town to his former home, left to render effigies of Winona’s pristine face in ice, from which gentle snow comes.

Diagnosis: Chronic depression, light Asperger’s.

Suggested Medication: Paxil, love, marijuana.

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