Diagnosing Depressives in Popular Film

Edward Scissorhands (in Edward Scissorhands)

Overview: Ed is only half-human, and his maker died before he was finished. He has scissors for hands and deep scars all over his face. One can safely assume he is a virgin, and probably failed at masturbating. He lives on a lonely hill, at the edge of town. He looks like he would enjoy Joy Division, but alas, has no CD player. Ed is brought into town by an Avon lady, and soon falls in love with Winona Ryder’s character, a semi-shallow girl just “deep enough” to see Ed’s coy and mysterious allure, despite cruel admonishments from her shallow suburban LA valley-esque friends. But their tryst is ill-fated, via conventional cultural and personal conflict, and Ed is exiled by the town to his former home, left to render effigies of Winona’s pristine face in ice, from which gentle snow comes.

Diagnosis: Chronic depression, light Asperger’s.

Suggested Medication: Paxil, love, marijuana.

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  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    lol

  • adamhump

    no google results for “empathy collateral”… interestingly
    also, isn't an emotional tampon the person that receives the emo / world pain of another, not he who dishes?

  • Gerry Rice

    good job, jimmy chen!

  • andy moreno

    damn i love ur writing jimmy chen

  • joakim

    killed it again

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/the-last-acid-trip-damned-by-god-by-brian-mcelmurry/ Brian McElmurry

    Well done. Funny and made me sad. Loved the Edward Scissorhands

  • al

    Wendy Caroll's “diagnosis” struck me as offensively sexist. A menstrual joke was all you could conjure up for the only female, really? And here I thought indie-lectuals had wit.

    • LA

      Excuse me but Jimmy Chen is Asian, not Indielectual (whatever that is)

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      it's all splooge and pms jokes for M and F respectively, yet for the latter it's sexist…interesting; but i like 'indie-lectuals,' great sound spin.

      • d.

        I agree. I think if you are to complain of sexism the fact only one female character made the list is is the point to focus on.

      • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

        omg when i wrote this, i was aware there was only one woman, and wrote a bunch of others (kathy bates in misery, piano teacher [which i already done entire thing on], nicole kidman in various, julianne moore in magnolia, etc. ) to even out the ratio, but they were strained and not intuitive. I'm a guy, so naturally i relate to guys more, that's not sexism; also, i'm confused, b/c the tone of the post was sarcastic and somewhat abrasive, so to direct my [rhetorical] derision at men seems 'un-sexist,' as sexism implies against, or dismissive of women. i get subdued when people extract political agendas which do not exist from my posts.

  • Renee

    Bipolar? Not at all. Bipolar would mean crazy manic highs of promiscuity, lack of sleep, increased energy, etc. and depressed lows. Not just being chill and then when faced with a past traumatic experience freaking out. That isn't bipolar… at all. In any way.
    Try PTSD maybe. Bipolar is just so off the mark.

  • Friedmansteinberg

    you're a fucking asshole.

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