Time Cover Battle: Franzen vs. Zuckerberg

Jonathan Franzen and Mark Zuckerberg both recently appeared on the cover of Time, and never has the approaching-archaic magazine seemed so relevant, or at least tried to be, to “us”—a word which marks this supposed readership of the internet savvy and literarily inclined. And yet, these two gentlemen could not be more different. One: self-conscious, solemn, and dour; the other: precocious, engaged, yet detached. To celebrate their differences, here are some hypothetical battles, and their undoubtable winner.

Battle: Winner

  • Bird knowledge: Franzen
  • National Book Award: Franzen
  • Pulitzer Finalist: Franzen
  • Grammar: Franzen
  • Number of “Likes”: Zuckerberg
  • Likes peace and quiet: Franzen
  • Has read War and Peace: Franzen
  • Eyesight: Zuckerberg
  • Hindsight: Franzen
  • Friends: Zuckerberg
  • Sincerity of friends: Franzen
  • Wealth: Zuckerberg
  • Fame: Zuckerberg
  • Sexual conquests: Franzen (age advantage)
  • Feng Shui: Franzen
  • Ergonomics: Zuckerberg
  • Depression: Franzen
  • Beard potential: Franzen
  • Retirement plan: Zuckerberg
  • Taste in wine: Franzen
  • Loneliness tolerance: Franzen
  • Typing speed: Zuckerberg
  • Loafer collection: Franzen
  • Subscription to Harper’s: Franzen
  • Performance on Oprah: Zuckerberg
  • Ethnic diversity of girlfriend: Zuckerberg
  • Philanthropic donations: Zuckerberg
  • Blinking frequency: Franzen
  • Battery-life of laptop: Zuckerberg
  • Wi-fi signal: Zuckerberg
  • Ability to reconfigure I.P. address: Zuckerberg
  • Ability to “connect with others” irl: Franzen’s agent
  • Coding: Zuckerberg
  • Coping: Franzen Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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