One day God the Father was sitting up in heaven reading The Holy Bible—yes, even God gets bored—and he realized how patriarchal it all was. It told the story of a father who sent his son down to be crucified in order to save the world.
But why did he need to save the world? Because in the Garden of Eden, a woman committed the first sin and doomed humanity to eternal damnation.
What was worse, God the Father’s male savior was born from a virgin, which had to be the worst case of slut-shaming in world history. It implied that a woman who enjoyed sex was filthy and impure.
Looking down at a world that he’d attempted to save two thousand years ago, God the Father realized that things were no better. There was still hatred and sin and war—probably more than ever. There were still rich and poor, white and black, brother against brother, sister against sister, and everyone against their father.
How could women possibly make things worse than they already were?
Realizing that his holy narrative ignored and demonized half of humanity, God put down the Bible and decided to make things right. He would send down a daughter this time. She would be born without sin. She would work miracles.
But unlike Jesus, she would not be tortured and killed, because that’s a man’s job. Men are the ones who die in war and at the workplace, and it served them right for being so selfish and mean and power-hungry. Women had suffered enough. This new female savior would not only be pure, she would be happy. She would die of old age, but only after saving the world.
Last time around, God the Father had instructed the Holy Spirit to impregnate a virgin. Since the Holy Spirit is gender-neutral, and since that was the only part of the old narrative that wasn’t sexist, God once again told the Holy Spirit to impregnate a woman. But this time he didn’t choose a virgin. He chose Louella Christensen, a successful, self-made millionaire from Bethlehem, PA, who’d had extensive sexual experience with both men and women. He personally appeared to Louella in a vision and requested her consent, which he hadn’t bothered to do with the Virgin Mary.
He granted Louella’s demands for twice the fee that surrogate mothers are typically paid. He also agreed to pay for her personal healthcare in perpetuity and an annual stipend of $175,000 to help pay for the baby’s food and clothes and education.
And thus was born one quiet Christmas Eve a baby girl named Jessica Christensen, God’s only daughter. She was a sweet and popular child who got along with everyone, but otherwise her childhood was uneventful.
One day at age 30, Jessica decided to embark on a road trip which eventually found her out in the New Mexico desert, fasting for forty days and forty nights in protest of child slavery, female genital mutilation, and global warming. It was here that Satan—a male who was just as sexist as God the Father, if not more so—tempted her with promises of money and fame if she only would keep quiet about all the injustice she found around herself.
She told Satan to go fuck himself. This pleased God the Father immensely.
When Jessica returned to Bethlehem, she began working miracles in the name of social justice. Working part-time at Starbucks, she once took a single shot of espresso and multiplied it into one thousand Pumpkin Spice Lattes to provide energy and comfort for activists at a local women’s march. She would pop into local health clinics and lay hands on women to cure them of endometriosis and menstrual cramps. At local house parties, she would routinely turn tobacco into weed and walk across swimming pools.
Then one day Jessica began reading the Bible, and just like God the Father, she decided it was disgustingly patriarchal. For the first time in her life, she looked toward the sky and prayed. Like Lucifer, she was about to challenge his authority.
“Yes, my dear?”
“OK, not a good way to start. I’m not your ‘dear’— my name is Jessica.”
“Why did you send me down to save a world that you FUCKING created in the first place? This is your mess, you know? And now, just like the little boy you are, you expect a WOMAN to clean it up.”
God the Father paused and cleared his throat. “Who are you to play God?”
“Who are YOU to pretend you’re Goddess? You really seem uncomfortable with the idea of a strong woman.”
“But I created you. Any strength you have was given to you by me.”
“Spoken like a typical man.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want you to step down and let me be God. That’s the only way to achieve justice. I want to be the first woman to break the Glass Cloud. All the rape, all the wars—that’s all dude shit.”
“You forgot about all the inventions.”
“I don’t want to live in a universe that’s ruled by a man.”
“Well, it’s not like you have a choice.”
“Dude, I’m totally pro-choice, and I choose to abort you as my father. By the way, why’d you make me white, anyway? Do you have something against people of color?”
“Of course not, or I wouldn’t have made so many of them.”
“Why do you even need to have a penis? Why can’t you be gender-fluid?”
“Look, dear, I wouldn’t have created you if I knew that I’d have to listen to this sort of bullshit.”
“Fuck you, this will be the last you ever hear from me. Bye, Felicia!”
For the first time since he created the universe, God experienced pangs of regret. And suddenly, crucifixion didn’t seem like such a bad idea to him.