Physical intimacy with a caring and nurturing partner is one of life’s greatest joys, despite the sometimes unfortunate sounds and smells. Sadly, though, romantic love often goes sour. A disgruntled male may feel justified that since he is no longer fully gruntled by the relationship, it is his birthright to go and seek connubial bliss with other women. And when his wife or girlfriend finds out, she has every reason not to feel gruntled herself.
She may want to scream at him. To claw at his eyes. To call him several demeaning names, many of which may be hurtful and perhaps even inaccurate.
Or she might drug him unconscious, slice his cock off with a huge kitchen knife, and flush it down the toilet. That’s the sort of lady we’re dealing with here.
1. Catherine Kieu Becker
In 2011 when this real (crazy) housewife of Orange County’s husband Glen asked for a divorce, Ms. Becker had what her attorney called a “break from reality.” She spiked his soup with Ambien. When he passed out, she tied him to their marriage bed. She then grabbed a 10-inch kitchen knife. She turned on a tape recorder in their bedroom and taped herself shouting, “You deserve it!” three times before cruelly and brutally dismembering his member and grinding it to tiny penile chunks in their garbage disposal.
Glen would never regain his penis nor any meaningful sexual function. He also required surgery just so he’d be able to urinate. As his wife was being tried for torture and aggravated mayhem, Glen told the court:
[She] viciously deprived me of part of my life and identity….Then, as is routine in cases of violence that involve something sexual, the victim must endure, at the hands of the defense, a second attack. This was a cruel and calculated violation of a person’s body and mind. I now struggle with what is before me. She has torn off my identity as a man. She has caused doubt in my belief in good. She has betrayed my trust in people.
The cock-chopping Ms. Becker was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole after a measly seven years. On daytime TV show The Talk, Sharon Osbourne said she found Ms. Becker’s actions “quite fabulous” as she made grinding motions with her hands to emulate the garbage disposal that ate Glen’s penis forever.
2. Lorena Bobbitt
Easily the most famous penis-severing aggrieved woman in modern times, this Ecuadorian-born Virginia housewife performed The Slice Heard ’Round The World in 1994 when in a fit of madness, she mercilessly separated her husband from his schvanz. After removing Mr. John Wayne Bobbitt’s li’l Bobbitt, she left their home—penis in hand—and drove away until she realized she still had his penis in her hand. She threw the bloody phallus into an abandoned field.
Police later found the penis and delivered it in ice to a hospital, where it was reunited with Mr. Bobbitt during what was undoubtedly a grueling and hilarious operation.
At trial, Lorena claimed that Mr. Bobbitt had routinely raped and abused her. Jurors believed her and found her not guilty by reason of insanity. Both Bobbitts would later be arrested in separate assault incidents.
Mr. Bobbitt would go on to star in two porn films—John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut and Frankenpenis—because he yearned to, in his words, “basically show everybody that I’m healed and fully functional.”
3. Feng Lung
This is the most recent case, seeing as it allegedly happened in January 2015. The perp allegedly chopped off her husband’s wee willy not once, but twice. Double ouch!
According to reports, Feng’s husband, Fan Lung, made the mistake of using his wife’s phone to send a “saucy email” to his younger mistress. Distraught, upset, fearful, despondent, temporarily insane, justifiably angry, and any other term or concept you might want to use to justify her act, Feng used scissors to snip off Fan’s male organ as he slept. He was then rushed to the hospital, whereupon his still obviously distraught wife sneaked into his room, cut off what remained, and threw it out a window, landing where doctors fear a stray dog or cat may have run away with it—allegedly.
Fan’s alleged mistress says she still plans to marry him anyway, seeing as he already has five children and therefore doesn’t technically need a penis anymore.
4. Kim Tran
A tragic 2005 love triangle—basically, he was married to Tran’s aunt while he was boning Tran—agonized the 35-year-old Alaska woman to the point where she felt the need to grab a kitchen knife and, shall we say, “take it to the hoop.” She lured her lover into the bedroom with promises of wild sex, tied his wrists to a windowsill, lopped off his manhood, and flushed it down the toilet. A city crew was able to retrieve his penis from plumbing pipes, at which point they packed it in ice and shlepped it to the hospital, whereupon it was successfully reattached to its owner. A judge ruled that since Kim Tran was a mother of six, she should do no jail or prison time. Instead, she was brutally forced to undergo counseling as well as take ESL and life-skills classes.
5. Zhang (wife of Han Mou)
This is the first of what will be three penis-snipping Zhangs in a row.
Last year after her husband Han Mou demanded a divorce, a jealous and suspicious Zhang knocked him out with sleeping pills, removed his most precious belonging from his body, and sent it swirling down the family toilet with one angry flush.
In the hospital, Han Mou—who appears to be somewhat of a gullible schmuck—said he still loved Zhang and forgave her. He added that he still wanted a divorce, though. After Zhang was released from jail, she ground up more sleeping pills and slipped them into her absurdly forgiving husband’s morning milk. After he fell unconscious, she removed what little remained of his manhood. According to one rather insensitive remark in a Chinese newspaper, “It looks like Han Mou will be peeing sitting down from now on.”
6. Zhang (wife of Gu)
Our second penis-slaying Zhang was married to a philanderer by the surname of Gu, who made the stupid mistake of bringing another woman home without realizing that his wife was at home. Upon seeing Zhang, the mistress hauled ass. Later that evening, Zhang seduced Gu into the boudoir, where she grabbed some scissors she’d stashed in the mattress and severed his shlong. During a trial where she was sentenced to three years, Zhang expressed to the court her desire to be a caregiver to her newly spayed husband: “Without his penis, he can no longer have extramarital affairs. I’d rather have him disabled and take care of him all his life.” Now that’s love.
7. Zhang (lover of Lai)
To ensure that her boyfriend Lai would never pull a John Wayne Bobbitt—i.e., have his penis successfully reattached and then go on to star in adult films—in 2003 our third and final Zhang forcibly removed his johnson with a kitchen knife and boiled it in water.
8. Han’s Wife
If you’re noticing that the perpetrators and victims of this sort of act tend to come overwhelmingly from one continent, I’d suggest you quit noticing lest you transgress several modern cultural diktats that forbid pattern recognition.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, Han is a man from China who no longer has a penis. Judging from his words and actions, he is a bit of a sucker when it comes to the ladies. For example, in a warped display of “love” for his wife, he once cut off the tip of his finger to stop her from committing suicide by drinking pesticide as she’d been threatening to do.
One morning in 2013 he awoke to intense pain, only to realize that his wife had severed his ding-a-ling all the way down to the pubic bone. Apparently he’d threatened to divorce her, and rather than admit it drove her crazy to imagine him with another woman, she wove an elaborate alibi that she feared he’d marry some other woman who’d wind up abusing her son:
If my husband divorced me and got married to another woman, I feared that our child would end up being abused like that child. But if I cut it off, I figured he’d never be able to get remarried.
Minus the penis he was born with, Han exclaimed, “Despite all this, I love my wife, and I think she loves me.” With an attitude like that, it’s a wonder he didn’t cut off his dick himself and hand it to her gift-wrapped.
9. Jamila from Pakistan
Jamila was a 30-year-old Pakistani woman who met a younger man named Muhammad at a zoo and became involved in carnal relations with him. And although Muhammad had promised to marry Jamila if she divorced her husband, the lying bastard wound up marrying his own cousin instead. In a vengeful fury, she administered him an “intoxicant” and then “cut off his sexual organ.” According to a doctor, “He has become impotent for the rest of his life and will be unable to perform his conjugal duties. He can never become a father.” Jamila was arrested for her shameless act of genital vengeance.
10. A Woman in Brazil
This 2013 case involves a Brazilian lass who sawed off her husband’s doohickey after finding him in bed with another man. One night shortly after making this alarming discovery, she lured him into bed with promises of S&M play, tied him up, then grabbed a bread knife and emasculated him forever. He will pee using a catheter until the day he dies.
11. Katya Kharitovonova
This eight-syllabled Russian lady was hanging out at home with her husband Mikhail and their friend Liza one evening in 2009 before she made the mistake of falling asleep while they were all watching The War of the Worlds. She awoke to find them engaging in an act of oral love, causing her to smash Liza in the head with a lamp and bite Mikhail’s Russian Love Missile clean off his body. She was sentenced to two years of hard labor, while he was sentenced to spending the rest of his life trying to make sense of his life.
12. Mrs. Xie
Known as “The Lorena Bobbitt of Guangzhou,” Mrs. Xie allegedly endured years of maltreatment at her husband’s hands until the day in 2009 when he brought his mistress home, had sexual congress with her in front of Mrs. Xie, and then invited her to join in. Instead, she used scissors to violently remove his penis as he slept. She was sentenced to 10 years in prison for her brazen crime of passion.
13. A Woman Named Wang
We should all take a moment to reflect on the cosmic irony of the fact that a woman who was given the name Wang at birth would grow up to take a man’s wang away from him.
Ms. Wang experienced tremendous heartache, confusion, and perhaps even a mild case of agita one fateful day in 2007 when she discovered multiple photos of another woman on her boyfriend’s phone. They quarreled loudly in public, and one observer claims she challenged him to “Beat me up if you’ve got the balls.” Back at home, he begged her to forgive him and during a moment of temporary reconciliation, he stupidly allowed her to tie him up in bed. With him bound and unsuspecting, she did what she would later describe as a “foolish thing”—she cut off his winklepicker with scissors and boldly flushed it down the commode. His balls remained intact.
14. Poon Shuk-yee
Again with the ironic names. In November 2009 when Poon’s boyfriend told her he wanted to end their relationship, she used her feminine wiles to lure him into the bedroom for a round of carnal intimacy. She went “down” on him, but instead of placing his organ in her mouth, she cut off his most special of body parts, tossed it cruelly into the toilet, and sent it swirling down into the Hong Kong sewer system. There’s really not much exceptional about this case beyond the fact that the perpetrator’s name was “Poon.”
15. Li Hong
In 2013, after giving birth to a son, Ms. Hong (not her real name) was temporarily too sore and stretched-out to engage in hanky-panky with her husband, which for some reason made her suspect that he was banging someone else. As a result of her possibly baseless suspicions, Hong did what any normal woman would do—she severed her betrothed’s penis with scissors while he slept, then went into hiding for 40 hours carrying the penis around in a bag to ensure it was too shriveled, black, and dead to ever reattach successfully.
16. Cheng Moping
Described as a “bean curd hawker”—which everyone knows is a profession that draws shady, suspicious, and ultimately untrustworthy characters—this Hong Kong resident became paranoid that her husband was getting some on the side. So, like a typical bean curd hawker, she murdered him and then cut off his penis. She was executed in 1996.
17. Tsui Mei-ying
Yet another woman from Hong Kong—not that I’m noticing patterns or anything—Tsui became engulfed in rage and jealousy due to her husband’s “habit of frequenting nightclubs,” so to keep him in check, she used scissors to snip off part of his penis and flush it down the toilet one day in 1987. (You’d think that to break the monotony, one of these gals would sooner or later toss it in the microwave and explode the penis rather than yet again indulge in the predictable and frankly boring act of flushing it down the toilet.) After Ms. Mei-ying, as one tasteless newspaper headline put it, “cut off hubby’s pride,” she received a prison sentence, but her husband learned his lesson and expressed regret for haunting nightclubs. Some lessons are obviously more painful to learn than others.
18. Liu Li
Hell hath no fury like a “thwarted woman.” Li had been separated from an ex-boyfriend (whose name—heh, heh—was Wang) for a year when she showed up at his home one night in the summer of 2003 in a desperate attempt to reconcile. He let her in, they had sex, and the next morning she begged him to reestablish their relationship. He refused, so she bit off his penis. She lied and told police that she’d used scissors to emasculate him, as if that method would have been nobler.
19. Jiang Haiyun
Miss Haiyun learned a vital lesson from her cousin, who had previously cut off her own husband’s penis, only to have a bunch of asshole doctors rush in and successfully reattach it. So when she decided to drug and neuter her own husband in September 2002, she ran away with the penis for a solid 12 hours to ensure he would never be reunited with his most sacred anatomical part. He was doomed to live the rest of his life with only a pair of testicles, a predicament that he referred to as a “living death.”
Age is the great mutilator, and in 1992 when a 35-year-old Russian woman named Tamara was told by her 25-year-old boyfriend that she was too old for him, she somehow convinced him to bang her one more time for old time’s sake. During the “afterglow” phase, she used a knife to cut off both his penis and testicles. While authorities were charging Tamara with “organ-sabotage,” many Russian women reportedly celebrated his bold act against the patriarchy.
21. Lenly Bayabado
This wily Filipina suspected her husband of having affairs, so as a preemptive measure, she cut off his penis in 2008 while he slept to “ensure his fidelity.” Since he decided to remain with Lenly and her children, her plot worked—although his penis will never work again.
22. Sharmin Begum
After her Bangladeshi husband divorced her in 1992, Ms. Begum and her sisters used a razor blade to cut his penis off at the root, whereupon they held it up like a trophy and laughed heartily. Pardon me for thinking that sounds a little bitchy.
23. Delmy Ruiz
Although she claimed in court that she’d gelded her boyfriend because he’d raped her, prosecutors argued that Ms. Ruiz was instead motivated by a tsunami of jealousy. The highlight of this story is that after she chopped off his schween as he slept, she threw it out the back door, at which point a dog picked it up in its mouth and ran away with it.