Lovemaking between two consenting partners is often a wondrously glimmering transcendental embryonic dewdrop of intergalactic pre-cum, a conjoining of Yin and Yang that breaks barriers and quells tension as if the entire universe had taken a Xanax.
Sadly, though, lovemaking often goes wrong and leads to pain rather than pleasure. In many cases, it even leads to death. Here are thirteen such cases, ranked in escalating levels of severity:
1. Woman goes to emergency room after orgasm that lasts hours.
Last year, morning sex between a Seattle woman named Liz and her partner Eric led to an orgasm for Liz that lasted two hours before the panicked lovebirds sought help at an emergency room—where her orgasm lasted another hour before finally quelling. High-five to Eric!
2. Russian couple gets stuck together in Kama Sutra position.
For her 50th birthday, Valentina Sokolov was given a copy of the classic Hindu sex manual the Kama Sutra. She and her partner Ivan were having a bawdy go at the “Indrani,” AKA “deck chair” position during intercourse. The position involves “the lady drawing up her knees so her feet are jammed under her partner’s armpits.” Valentina started to climax…which led to a muscle spasm…which led to them being stuck together and unable to budge. After two hours of being glued in this position, they were somehow able to call an ambulance. A medic who arrived at the scene said, “We couldn’t help laughing considering them. Both lovers, who were not young at all, were in this complicated position!” They were taken to a hospital and finally separated. Valentina allegedly required surgery while Ivan ran from the hospital in disgrace.
3. New Jersey woman injured by falling tombstone in graveyard while engaged in “extracurricular activities.”
In 2011 at Ahavath Israel Cemetery in Hamilton, NJ, an unnamed woman “who may have been engaged in sexual activity” with a male partner suffered injuries when a tombstone abruptly fell on her leg. It is assumed that the tombstone did not fall from the sky as a result of Jehovah’s wrath and that she may have accidentally kicked it during the throes of sexual ecstasy.
4. Woman goes temporarily deaf after passionate kiss.
In the Chinese city of Zhuhai, a young woman was rushed to the hospital in 2008 after going completely deaf in her left ear. The culprit was fingered as an extra-strength kiss with her boyfriend. According to a medic quoted in The China Daily, “The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear.” The prognosis was that her hearing would fully return in two months.
5. Concrete enema—along with ping-pong ball—gets impacted in man’s rectum.
Surely you are entitled and have every right under the US Constitution to disagree, but it’s hard for me to think of a medical paper with a
funnier more tragic title than “Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix.” It involves the hilarious heartbreaking saga of two male homosexuals—one a klismaphiliac, a term to describe a person who receives sexual pleasure from the introduction of fluids into the rectum—who had been “fooling around” one night and apparently inserted a ping-pong ball up the klismaphiliac’s butt before pouring concrete into his ass through a funnel. When the concrete hardened, they apparently lost their hard-ons and high-tailed it to an emergency room.
6. MMA fighter breaks his penis during intercourse.
Ray Elbe suffered his share of lumps and bruises while starring in the reality show The Ultimate Fighter in 2009, but three years later he would experience the greatest pain of his life when he broke his penis during a rough bout of intercourse with his girlfriend. (Penile fractures—usually accompanied by a snapping sound—frequently occur, and if you don’t particularly care to see a graphic photo of a bruised and fractured penis, I’d suggest you don’t click on this link.)
Elbe’s injury happened in Malaysia, and he took to YouTube to explain the event:
On his blog he also posted a highly inappropriate “lol,” but since I hate every instance of “lol” that has ever occurred on the Internet and in text messaging, I’d consider them all inappropriate:
I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone lol.
7. Woman injured by homemade power-tool saber-saw dildo contraption.
In what news outlets variously described as a “sex toy mishap” and a “Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter,” a Maryland woman was airlifted to a local hospital after receiving “unusual injuries” when her partner attached a plastic dildo to a saber-saw blade and began using it to pleasure her, only to have the blade cut through the dildo and into her.
8. Woman suffers severe blood loss after using vibrator/dildo according to factory instructions.
A California woman with the delightfully sprightly name of April Bonjour sued sex-toy manufacturer Pipedream Products—whose slogan is, “We Don’t Make the Orgasm … We Make the Orgasm BETTER!” when she allegedly lost pints of blood after her boyfriend used one of the company’s vibrator/dildo products on her during an apparently robust round of foreplay.
According to Bonjour:
On November 3, 2010 my boyfriend and I used a Pipedream Products vibrator/dildo during foreplay. During usage I felt an intense sharp pain inside of my vagina. My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered with blood. I started to get faint from the loss of blood my boyfriend called 911. By the time they got there I was in and out of consciousness. My son was woken up so we could go to the hospital. He was terrified at the sight of me.…My family and myself have endured extreme emotional duress due to this episode.…It is for this reason I have initiated this lawsuit.
9. Woman suffers stroke after hickey.
I suppose giving someone a hickey doesn’t technically qualify as “sex,” but this case of playfully erotic neck-nibbling landed a 44-year-old Maori woman in a New Zealand hospital. The hickey her partner bestowed upon her caused a blood clot, which caused a stroke and left her partially paralyzed. According to a doctor at Auckland’s Middlemore Hospital, “To my knowledge, it’s the first time someone has been hospitalized by a ‘hickey.’”
10. Woman electrocuted to death by nipple clamps.
When Pennsylvania police responded to an emergency call at the mobile home of Robert Taylor in early 2008, Taylor originally told them his wife Toby had accidentally electrocuted herself to death with a blow dryer after showering. When police began doubting the details of his story, he sheepishly admitted that he and Toby indulged in “weird sexual behaviors” and that he’d electrocuted her while delivering electric shocks via nipple clamps. He was arrested and charged with reckless endangerment and involuntary manslaughter.
11. Drunk woman smothers man to death with her ample breasts.
Fifty-year-old trailer-park resident Donna Lange of Everett, WA, was accused of smothering her boyfriend to death with her bodacious ta-tas during a drunken argument in early 2013. According to the inimitably salacious UK press, Lange had “turned her huge boobs into deadly weapons.”
12. Man dies after being anally penetrated by horse.
I saw a short video clip of this incident nine years ago and find myself unable to unsee it. In July 2005, a certain Kenneth Pinyan was visiting a farm in Enumclaw, WA that allegedly catered to men who enjoyed sexual relations with animals. After willfully allowing a stallion to mount him, Pinyan died of a perforated colon. When investigators became aware that this was not an isolated incident at the farm, they began viewing “hundreds of hours” of videotapes that had been shot there. Hundreds of hours…thousands of shudders.