Your Passive-Aggressive Weekly Planner

PathDoc / (
PathDoc / (

Passive-aggressive behavior is not yet illegal, although I think it should be a felony. But felonies often go hand-in-hand with major inconveniences such as being shoved into a gge and treated like a rabid dog for years.

I’m from Philly, where we express our aggression honestly and directly, so I’d rather be punched in the jaw than have to deal with some smarmy, snarky jerkoff making snide comments. But see, that’s the charm of being passive-aggressive. It worms its way under your target’s skin to the point where they lose their temper, hit you, and get convicted of felony assault, which ends up with them being shoved in a cage and treated like a rabid dog for years. It’s a win-win for you and a lose-lose for them. (You may not have realized it, but the mere act of using the terms “win-win” and “lose-lose” is passive-aggressive. See what I did there? Actually, saying, “See what I did there?” is also passive-aggressive.)

Say that, hypothetically, you hate everyone around you and have such a high threshold for physical pain that you can endure taking a few shots to the head so long as it ensures their eventual arrest, conviction, and incarceration. If you’d take great pleasure in seeing them caged, this is all you need to do to make your dream come true:

1. Sunday

No matter what anyone says to you, reply, “That’s between you and your so-called God.”

2. Monday

No matter what anyone says to you, respond with, “Grow up.”

3. Tuesday

Whenever someone tells you what they think, say, “Oh, yeah? That’s what YOU think.”

4. Wednesday

No matter what anyone says to you, reply with, “Looks like I hit a nerve.”

5. Thursday

Whenever someone says something about their life, good or bad, say, “Must be nice.”

6. Friday

No matter what anyone says to you, say, “Yeah—like that’s as bad as the Holocaust.”

7. Saturday

Round out your passive-aggressive week by bringing God into it again: No matter what anyone says to you, respond with, “Who are you to play God?”

If you dutifully follow these seven steps, I guarantee—with a money-back refund—that everyone around you will eventually assault you, whereupon they will be shoved into a cage and treated like a rabid dog for years. And make sure you videotape them while you’re making these comments—except for sending someone to jail, there’s nothing more passive-aggressive than recording someone without their permission. This will also ensure that you have documented evidence of their felonious assault against you.

Have fun! And more importantly—make sure they KNOW you’re having fun! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Read Jim Goad’s terrifying yet amusing ebook about fending off fans turned stalkers.


Stop worrying about good and bad…and start thinking about true and false.

Keep up with Jim on Instagram and Twitter

More From Thought Catalog