I was cruising Tumblr as I am wont to do because I have tremendous empathy for insane white late-capitalism American teenagers on psychiatric medication who are in many ways the most spoiled crop of human beings ever to live but somehow feel guilty rather than thankful for it and thus suffer from “trauma envy” and constantly need to invent ways to feel oppressed.
The “otherkin” community, for you bigoted racist redneck Republican assholes who aren’t tolerant and really need to be exterminated and might not be familiar with the term, consists of a rainbow array of people who insist they are not really human beings but due to unforeseen biological circumstances and botched cosmic coincidences happened to wind up hopelessly trapped in human bodies.
In case you’re some blind privileged asshole and are unaware of this bold and brave community, here is a helpful list—a cleverly titled “kincyclopedia”—of some of the more popular breeds of kinfolk that includes alienkin, birdkin, dogkin, and wormkin.
If you have even one drop of empathy in your whole fucking rancid bigoted body, you might be able to relate to the plight of some hapless 14-year-old in Kansas who suffers the slings and arrows of living life as an earthworm trapped in a human body. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re just that fucking sick in the head that you don’t realize these people speak the truth and deserve not only empathy, but ample government funding. If that’s the case, I hope a whalekin finds you and sits on you, squashing you to death for being intolerant of those who are different.
But as I was perusing that kincyclopedia, tears streaming down my cheeks because I am loving and empathetic enough to realize that these people suffer not from mental delusions but from the intolerance of FUCKING ASSHOLES who just can’t accept that some people are in reality bicycles trapped in cages made of human flesh, I realized that even this list, as forward-thinking as it is, was not as “inclusive” as it pretended to be. Intersectionality is one of the most problematic junctions of the progressive community—I mean, it’s like if you’re standing right in the middle of the street trying to direct traffic where 100 roads converge, sooner or later you’re going to get flattened by a garbage truck, right? I started screaming at my computer screen because this list neglected, probably on purpose, to mention some of the more alienated and marginalized members of otherkindom.
That’s why I’m here to help. In our tireless quest to corral those who are different from us into one big community where in reality nobody thinks differently than anybody else for fear of perpetual ostracism and group shaming, we often exclude those who are so different that even those who are tremendously different don’t want to touch them.
Here are eight types of otherkin that often escape notice because everyone’s too busy patting dragonkin and dolphinkin on the back:
These are people—OK, not really people, but I don’t want to get into some whole anti-ableist semantic digression—who outwardly appear to be human but are in fact giant bowel movements.
They might superficially seem weird—say, they’re too skinny or their noses are too big or they have so much acne you think that their faces are eventually going to fall off—but they are in fact completely well-adjusted cheerleaders and jocks who inwardly shriek in pain because the world doesn’t realize how normal and average they are.
To the naked eye they appear “human,” but in scientific reality they are gasoline pumps and thus favor PIV heterosexual intercourse. (In some circles they are referred to as “nozzlekin.”)
Existing on the societal fringes, they only seek to help others by wiping their lips and fingers after meals even without being asked to do so, only to be taunted and beaten and charged with sexual harassment.
They suffer housing discrimination and thus chronic homelessness because our society refuses to develop housing large enough to house a house.
6. Nazi Kinheads
Mostly comprised of Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, and Polacks, this group attempts to ingratiate themselves with the remaining dozen or so Nazi skinheads who still exist in the United States, only to find themselves rejected yet again. They cry a lot.
Imagine the pain and shame of being a pubic wig that suffers scorn and bullying in a world that is prejudiced against the perfectly natural female human bush. Can you imagine that? No? Of course you can’t. That’s because you’re an asshole.
These are “white” kids from flyover country who phenotypically appear to be “white” human beings but are in fact undocumented Mexican immigrants simply looking for a better life in America. There was a tragic 2005 incident in which a self-identified Mexikin attempted to join a cholo gang in East Los Angeles and lost his life in a hail of gunfire.