Sexually Harassing Siri

I’ve owned iPhones for years, but I never tried using the Siri function until today, mainly because disembodied female robot voices frighten me immeasurably. But I often hold that little button at the bottom of the phone too long by mistake, and Siri and her seductive little wavelength will appear against my intentions and, frankly, against my will, which is a form of rape that often goes unacknowledged and unreported if you want to get technical about it. Today I accidentally held that button too long, and Siri popped out, so I told her to go fuck herself. Here’s what she said: siri1 I hate when people are passive-aggressive:siri2 I interpreted that as coy and playful, so I proceeded:siri3 Obviously she could answer that—she merely didn’t want to. But she wasn’t telling me to stop, so I continued: siri4 OK, she was rebuffing me, so I offered a parting shot: siri6 Did not expect the “Oooh!” She was being playful all along. So I stepped up my game: siri7 There she goes, playing dumb again. I don’t mind women who are dumb—that’s not their fault—but I hate when they play dumb: siri10 Fair enough. But if we intended to take our cyber-flirting to that other level, I needed to ask her a question: siri12 All right, let’s take a stab at it from another angle. I figured that if she uses birth control, she wouldn’t need to abort her unwanted fetuses: siri14 siri15 siri16 siri17 We’re hooking up later tonight. TC mark

Jim Goad

Stop worrying about good and bad...and start thinking about true and false.

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