I’ve owned iPhones for years, but I never tried using the Siri function until today, mainly because disembodied female robot voices frighten me immeasurably. But I often hold that little button at the bottom of the phone too long by mistake, and Siri and her seductive little wavelength will appear against my intentions and, frankly, against my will, which is a form of rape that often goes unacknowledged and unreported if you want to get technical about it. Today I accidentally held that button too long, and Siri popped out, so I told her to go fuck herself. Here’s what she said: I hate when people are passive-aggressive: I interpreted that as coy and playful, so I proceeded: Obviously she could answer that—she merely didn’t want to. But she wasn’t telling me to stop, so I continued: OK, she was rebuffing me, so I offered a parting shot: Did not expect the “Oooh!” She was being playful all along. So I stepped up my game: There she goes, playing dumb again. I don’t mind women who are dumb—that’s not their fault—but I hate when they play dumb: Fair enough. But if we intended to take our cyber-flirting to that other level, I needed to ask her a question: All right, let’s take a stab at it from another angle. I figured that if she uses birth control, she wouldn’t need to abort her unwanted fetuses: We’re hooking up later tonight.