Are All British Athletes Gay?

Sergey Peterman /
Sergey Peterman /

A new study in the homoerotic-sounding journal Men and Masculinities revealed that 97.5% of male British athletes confess to having shared beds with other male athletes, and a whopping 92.5% admit to spooning with other guy jocks.

The study, titled Cuddling and Spooning: Heteromasculinity and Homosocial Tactility among Student-athletes, suffers from a pathetically puny sample size of only 40, but maybe that’s the total number of male “student-athletes” in England at the moment. The two researchers who conducted the study, a pair of males who also presumably spoon together, theorize that a general societal decline in homophobia has led to an uptick in touchy-feely behavior between male athletes.

Sure, you see them hugging one another and patting each other’s asses on the playing field all the time…but spooning in bed?

An article in Vocativ quotes a British male athlete named Stephen (surely I am not the only one irritated by the “ph” instead of the “v,” just as I can’t possibly be the only one that hates guys who spell it “Geoff” instead of “Jeff”) who claims that often these displays of “affection” involve grabbing the other guy’s schween:

Sometimes you grab his cock, sort of as a joke, particularly if he’s got a semi going.…It just relieves the tension. It’s not like you’re going to wank him.

I don’t know Stephen, so I can’t ask him why he spells it with a “ph,” nor why he’s more inclined to grab a fellow athlete’s shlong when “he’s got a semi going.” Is that somehow less gay than when he’s totally limp or fully erect?

The researchers also claim that this sort of horseplay ceases to exist among males aged 40 or older, since such dinosaurs were raised in a “homohysteric” culture that falsely believes there’s something a wee bit homosexual when one guy playfully grabs another guy’s meat hammer.

Look, I realize that sports can be rigorous and demanding on the body. The struggle of training and the constant grind of competition can build up tension that is often most conveniently released via orgasm.

Therefore, it’s perfectly understandable if male athletes want to suck one another’s dicks.

But spooning? That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever heard. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Stop worrying about good and bad…and start thinking about true and false.

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