Thought Catalog

The New Church Ladies

  • 0
freya-photographer / Shutterstock.com
freya-photographer / Shutterstock.com
Saturday Night Live
Saturday Night Live

Social-justice warriors, assemble! I’m about to deliver a sermon.

Back in the 1980s—in that Pre-Cambrian era before many of you were even swimming in your dad’s scrotum—Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live did a recurring character called “The Church Lady.” It was a spot-on parody of a tight-assed, hyper-moralistic Christian woman who was constantly lecturing and demeaning others for their sins.

Now, I don’t like Christians any more than you do. But that doesn’t mean I’m on your team. As neither a Christian nor a progressive nor a millennial, I have something that most of you lack—perspective. You and the Christians are both wrong about everything, and yet you both feel compelled to constantly prove how wrong you are in public.

Although many of you openly mock Christianity and feel you embody its polar opposite, you are incorrect. You are the New Church Ladies.

The sacred secular script you follow—cultural progressivism, egalitarianism, social justice, or whatever the fuck you’re calling it these days—is simply Christianity with God removed. Your “God”—your untouchable premise—is the naively childish and entirely unscientific notion of innate human equality. The moralism and the sanctimony and the witch hunting and the baseless assumptions are exactly the same. Just because your philosophy is different doesn’t mean your psychology is. Your self-righteous mob mentality and communal bloodlust to scapegoat all heretics and burn them at the stake is identical.

Just like church ladies, you have your sins—instead of masturbation and adultery and heresy, they’re racism, sexism, and homophobia. You aren’t sexually repressed—you’re ideologically repressed. You still play with your little Angel and Devil figurines just like the Christians do. You flip the characters, but it’s the same tired script.

Like the church ladies of yore, you gasp in horror and treat anything that deviates from your Holy Script as blasphemy. You can’t bear the idea that people who don’t think like you do are allowed to exist. Hence your endless campaigns to shame, silence, and get anyone who deviates from the script fired from their jobs and banished from polite society. Your drive to control and silence and banish all opposition is a religious impulse, not a logical one.

Your thinking is that of a mob, and your shrieking moralism is in many ways indistinguishable to that of fundamentalist Christians. Doesn’t your arm get tired from holding that torch all the time?

Shut this down. Erase this. Flag this. This makes me uncomfortable. Give it a trigger warning. This is problematic. Why are you giving this shit a forum? This shit shouldn’t exist. Whoever wrote this shit should die. My feelings are hurt. This shit makes me sick. It’s disgusting. I’m crying. Give me a pill. I’m calling the cops.

While lecturing me that I walk around with an invisible knapsack of privilege, you walk around with an invisible butt plug of sanctimony. You have moral rectitude lodged firmly up your rectum. You inhabit a collectivist world of zombie meme-regurgitators for whom “individualism” seems to have become a curse word.

And you implausibly and deceptively label all opposition as fear rather than mere disagreement. Hence your insatiable habit to name and shame a new “-phobia” every week. There’s a difference between disliking something and being afraid of it, one that flies way over your pious heads.

“Justice” is simply a dishonest word for “revenge.” Despite your pretenses of love and compassion, your every word and action reveals you are filled with hate—a dishonest hate. I don’t have a problem with hate. I hate a lot of things. I love to hate. But it’s the dishonesty that makes me wish I could vomit in all your faces at once.

Despite the fact that you posture as people who help the little guy, you are backed by the media and the government and the education-industrial complex. I can tell where you got fed everything that comes out of your mouth. You aren’t fighting the power; you are the tools of power.

Here’s the difference between people like me and you: You want to hang me; I don’t want to hang out with you. Seems as if my approach is less truly hateful and far less intrusive.

But there you go again, dictating what’s funny and what’s satire and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Who the fuck died and left you Pope?

You’re wound so tightly, I can hear you squeaking. For fuck’s sake, how self-righteous and hypocritical do you have to get before the mass of us who aren’t nearly so self-righteous stand up and start shouting back? The supposedly “intolerant” people have been way too tolerant of your endless tantrums.

You are ALWAYS getting offended. You spend every waking moment—and possibly most of your dream life—offended. Jesus Christ, I remember when the young’uns were the LAST to get offended, but now you’re the most easily offended people on the fucking planet. Get a grip, you little totalitarians, or the backlash is going to give you diaper rash. TC mark

Powered by Revcontent

Poetry that will change you

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

You’ve never read poetry like this before

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://hunternash.wordpress.com Sniperhunter2012

    Reblogged this on Sniperhunter2012 and commented:
    “You are ALWAYS getting offended. You spend every waking moment—and possibly most of your dream life—offended. Jesus Christ, I remember when the young’uns were the LAST to get offended, but now you’re the most easily offended people on the fucking planet. Get a grip, you little totalitarians, or the backlash is going to give you diaper rash” – lol. awesome!

  • http://evangelicallyatheist.wordpress.com/2014/04/05/1294/ Evangelically Atheist

    […] Social-justice warriors, assemble! I’m about to deliver a sermon. Back in the 1980s—in that Pre-Cambrian era before many of you were even swimming in your dad’s scrotum—Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live did a recurring character called “The Church Lady.” It was a spot-on parody of a tight-assed, hyper-moralistic Christian woman who was constantly lecturing and demeaning others for their sins. [Read more] […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/jim-goad/2014/05/the-white-princeton-student-who-doesnt-think-he-needs-to-check-his-privilege/ The White Princeton Student Who Doesn’t Think He Needs To “Check His Privilege” | Thought Catalog

    […] public proclamations of one’s sterling morality are more a narcissistic social game played by hostility-drenched church ladies than any demonstrable act that actually helps anyone else. As KRS-One once said about violence, […]

  • http://sugardaddy.kinkementary.net/the-white-princeton-student-who-doesnt-think-he-needs-to-check-his-privilege/ The White Princeton Student Who Doesn’t Think He Needs To “Check His Privilege” | Kinkementary Sugar Daddy Dating | Sugar Daddy Online Dating Website | Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby Dating | Find Rich Guys | Free Sugar Daddy Dating Site

    […] public proclamations of one’s sterling morality are more a narcissistic social game played by hostility-drenched church ladies than any demonstrable act that actually helps anyone else. As KRS-One once said about violence, […]

  • http://sarastuslehti.com/2014/08/19/uudet-kirkkotadit/ Uudet kirkkotädit | SARASTUS

    […] Me! ja kirjastaan The Redneck Manifesto. Tämä kirjoitus on julkaistu alunperin Internet-lehti Thought Catalogissa. Lisäksi Goad kirjoittaa myös muun muuassa Taki’s Magazineen. Goadin omille kotisivuille […]

  • https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2015/07/09/advertising-stole-feminism-theyre-still-complaining-women-on-board-lies/ Advertising stole feminism & they’re STILL complaining + Women on Board lies | Philosophies of a Disenchanted Scholar

    […] They’re gonna destroy you. They only care about pushing their beliefs, they’re like the New Church Ladies. Women don’t aspire to ugly. You will […]

  • https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2015/10/08/video-conservatism-is-the-new-counter-culture/ Video: Conservatism is the new counter-culture | Philosophies of a Disenchanted Scholar
  • http://thebarbaricgentleman.com/2015/10/09/debunking-cultmarx-5-sexuality/ A Debunking Overview of Cultural Marxist Talking Points: Part 5 - The Barbaric Gentleman

    […] engaging in a bit of finger-wagging moral shaming. You’re no revolutionaries-you’re church ladies. You’re not exactly defying gender […]

  • https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2015/10/10/cultural-marxism-the-conspiracy-within-a-conspiracy/ Cultural Marxism: the conspiracy within a conspiracy | Philosophies of a Disenchanted Scholar

    […] When the person talking to you tells you to never look up the other side. You must never go there, Simba. Never read their materials. Never listen to their arguments. Close your ears, Sweet Summer Child, because you have no mind of your own and your uncritical thinking abilities will be overwhelmed by their Satanic silvertongue! We’d never hide anything from you! We love you! We’re all about the love! Gee, this is beginning to sound like a church sermon. […]

  • https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2016/09/02/link-a-defence-of-virtue-signalling-and-vice-signalling/ Link: A defence of virtue signalling (and vice signalling) | Philosophies of a Disenchanted Scholar

    […] Vice signalling is something they pillory, calling it shaming as if an emotion is evil. (also the Germanic spectre of ‘Hate’, the Boogeyman of our time) Anything vaguely Christian is evil – they preach. […]

  • https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/video-britains-hate-speech-police/ Video: Britain’s Hate Speech Police | Philosophies of a Disenchanted Scholar

    […] The New Church Ladies […]

blog comments powered by Disqus