The Magical Mystical Replaceable Vagina!

CLIPAREA l Custom media / Shutterstock.com
CLIPAREA l Custom media / Shutterstock.com

In news that will give hope and joy to every teenaged boy who ever diddled himself while fiddling with a chemistry set in the comfort and secrecy of his bedroom, scientists are now able to grow vaginas in their laboratories and implant them in willing female patients.

Between 2005 and 2008, four unfortunate teenage girls who suffered the agony and shame of either having an “underdeveloped” vagina and uterus or no discernible lady parts at all donated their external genital tissue to a dedicated and caring team of doctors—all of whom, at least according to US News & World Report, just so happened to be men—who then practiced their hoity-toity hocus-pocus and whipped up fully functioning coochies which they then lovingly implanted in their demure and presumably blushing patients. These men were real troupers dedicated to their cause, seeing as how they’d been experimenting with “lab-built vaginas in rabbits and mice” beginning in the early 1990s.

The implantation procedures took a mere two hours, giving these brave girls fully operable snappers—including during those crucial and relationship-saving moments of intimacy—that were indiscernible from those given to normal girls by Jehovah God.

This innovative Vadge-in-a-Jiffy procedure is also predicted to give new leases on life to unlucky lassies suffering from vaginal cancers and other unspeakable—and, frankly, unprintable—vaginal injuries.

These lab-conjured, made-from-scratch Venus Fly Traps will also give succor to those poor persecuted women who were born with male genitalia and falsely assigned the male gender at birth, enabling physicians to plop a ready-made twat ‘tween their legs and therefore allow these non-cisgendered individuals to embark upon normal, happy, and well-adjusted lives, possibly even with less psychiatric medication.

With a little luck and sufficient funding, it is hoped that one day these made-to-order vaginas will also be available in an array of delightful and succulent flavors. TC mark

Jim Goad

Stop worrying about good and bad...and start thinking about true and false.

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