A convenience-store owner in the small western Georgia town of LaGrange is facing accusations of homophobia after he placed a sign in his window with the following message:
ONLY “FAGS” LIKE TO
KEEP THEIR PANTS
PULL YOUR PANTS UP!!!
BE PROUD TO BE A “FAG”!!!
This sign is inexcusable and unacceptable. Not only does it discriminate against two oppressed minorities—the homosexual lobby and people who “get their sag on”—its wanton usage of exclamation points is an affront to public decency.
In a TV interview conducted via cell phone, the store’s owner—a man of at least some color—was adamant and showed no signs of necessary repentance. “If they want to come into my business, they better have their pants up,” he told a shocked female reporter with flowing blonde hair and tasteful blue earrings.
The same TV broadcast showed a white man with a missing tooth and a thick Southern accent—his name is Joshua Southern, no shit—expressing his dismay upon seeing the sign: “Well, I thought I must be living in Hickville or something like that,” he said, smiling at the reporter and possibly even flirting with her.
A black woman told the reporter: “It’s discrimination to me. You can’t call people [BLEEP],” she said in a huff.
I agree. It’s time we all stopped calling people [BLEEP]. What the [BLEEP] kind of society are we when every [BLEEP] [BLEEP] runs around calling other people [BLEEP]?
A female store clerk, obviously drowning in lesbian self-hatred, told the reporter, “It doesn’t bother me, not a bit. I have a girlfriend and I am gay.”
That’s fine—don’t be bothered. That’s a matter for you and your community to work out, and I don’t want to step in the middle of a pack of angry lesbians.
But there’s a deeper bigotry that isn’t being addressed here—the rampant societal discrimination against people who let their pants sag. What about their rights? Where is their lobby? No one (except most of my friends) would have found it the least bit funny if an American Idol candidate auditioned with a song that told homosexuals to cease being homosexual, but it was considered a laff riot when a man mocked the world’s saggers—who already have trouble finding jobs and acceptance—for walking around with their pants on the ground. When will people start to get engaged about this issue—when others start calling them “saggots”?
Although male homosexuals and many of the overweight lesbians I’ve seen tend to prefer tight clothing—it accentuates the genitals, after all—there must be at least a little bit of overlap between these two communities. Somewhere in America right now, a homosexual with sagging pants is being oppressed for two different reasons, and that, my friends, is FUCKED-UP.
We didn’t fight the Civil War or the civil-rights movement for this type of shit. It’s time for the gays and the saggers to join forces, come down to Georgia, and scream nasty, unfair things at this store owner. Someone get Dan Savage and Al Sharpton on the line, pronto.