Dearest fetus of unassigned gender who nestles snugly within Chelsea Clinton’s womb:
I saw that other “Open Letter” written to you earlier today by some guy at the New York Post, and while it moved me to tears several times, I have to say that it was incomplete.
Even though your grandparents have been very vocal supporters of abortion, it looks like they’re not going to abort you. I’m reasonably sure that most fetuses can’t read, and even if you were able to hear me shouting these words from outside your mother’s tummy, I’m still not certain that you’d understand what I’m saying until you’re at least a couple years old. This is why I’m putting my thoughts down in electronic form so that one day when you are computer-literate, you’ll be able to read and absorb these important life lessons that the other guy’s letter left out.
1. Never Trust Anyone
This includes your parents and (especially) your grandparents. They will lie to you, whether it be due to weakness of character or for short-term political gain. Before you learn your ABCs, you must realize that even while loved ones are smiling in your face, they may be stabbing you in the back. Friends will hurt you. Strangers will hurt you. Family members will hurt you. But that’s what people do—they hurt other people. Therefore you should never trust them—or, if you want to put a positive spin on it, trust in the fact that they will always wind up hurting you.
Through a long and painful process of trial and error, you will learn whom to trust. Stick with those people. They’re the good ones. And don’t give anyone else your trust until they earn it.
2. Be Aware That Your Grandfather Cheated On Your Grandmother Several Times In Front Of The Entire Nation
And he was pretty sloppy about it, too. Apart from all the alleged trysts and oral favors while he was Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton received several rounds of financially uncompensated oral pleasure from a female intern while enjoying such manly delights as cigars and pizza. This is clearly rude and unacceptable behavior.
It humiliated your grandmother, yet it also gave her a cyborg’s cold lust for ultimate domination and global power. You would do best to get out of her way, because hers is a vengeance that knows no limits and shows no mercy.
3. Politics Are Bullshit
Politics have nothing to do with truth and justice and everything to do with money and power, so be aware that many people in your family have built mansions on a foundation of pure bullshit. If you decide to go into politics, financiers would pave your way, but it may wind up eating your soul.
4. Check Your Privilege
This is one of the rare occasions where that overused phrase is appropriate. Seriously, Young Clinton, you are being born into a political dynasty and will fall asleep at night on beds made of money. Enjoy it, but don’t flaunt it. And even if you’re actually suffering, never complain about it, at least not to the masses. We don’t want to hear it.
5. Find What You Love And Stick With It
Because of your ghastly level of privilege, you will have the time and money to develop and pursue passions that elude almost everyone else. Even if everyone says you’re the worst painter in the world but you want to be a painter, goddamnit, paint your little ass off! On top of that, find a couple of people whom you can stand being around, and that’s all you’ll ever really need in life.
This fall, after you are ejected through your mother’s birth canal and then proceed to go about your life, others will try to offer you advice. Mine is better. Follow these rules, and you’ll be fine. One day you’ll thank me.