Let Me Perform Your Gay Wedding

Back in 1979 I answered an ad in the back pages of Rolling Stone magazine and sent $3 to the American Fellowship Church. Just as easy as you could close your eyes, snap your fingers, and say “Julie Andrews,” I was a legally ordained minister.

Don’t believe me? FUCK YOU! Here’s the proof:

I had misplaced that ID card for years, so in 1992, back when they had this thing called “mail,” I again sent money—probably $10 or less—and was ordained as a living, breathing, obnoxiously empowered minister in a different denomination, the Universal Life Church:

So I’m actually a legally ordained minister two times over. And apparently it’s legit.

The Universal Life Church is still alive, still preaching the crucial message that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with universal life per se, and they’re still ordaining people—only now they’re online and doing it for free.

Even though I’m a legally ordained minister, I’m still human, so it pisses me off that I wasted upwards of $13 for what is now a free service. I don’t like to waste money.

Therefore, I have a proposal—I will perform your gay wedding if you provide transportation expenses and suitable accommodations. I will then write about it for Thought Catalog and in some way be able to partially soothe my conscience that I may have frittered away as much as $13 for naught.

I’d even perform a straight wedding, although it wouldn’t be as funny. But no lesbians. Two gay guys, or a guy and a girl. Ball’s in your court. Let’s do this!