The group text is quickly becoming the prominent mode of communicating for millennials. As a person who befriends many circles, I’m a frequent member of several group texts, which isn’t anything to boast, so much as it is an almost certainty that my phone will buzz with things I may or may not have any clue about throughout my days.
In one perspective, it’s a good thing–I can always distract myself, if I want to. In another, I can always distract myself. I rarely see one project I commit to carried through to its end without getting sidetracked by the digital world.
The point isn’t to weigh the pros and cons of group texting, however, so much as it is to roast the characters who are in them. For your view and pleasure: the nine members of your group text.
1. Mr. Joke Flop
While the group text is certainly a fine opportunity for people to throw in quick jokes, some people either a) don’t have a talent for it b) aren’t funny, in general c) need to make the joke in person to have it make sense.
2. The Offended Person
Sometimes, group texts pick up no steam. One person will ask a question to a group of seven and nobody answers. The initiator, of course, gets offended from this. They might say something like: ‘k, thanks guys,’ maybe even with a smiley face to accompany it, if especially pissed off. And then, suddenly, everybody knows how to use a phone again.
3. Out of the Loop Texter
The Out of the Loop text is probably the biggest faux pas of Group Text etiquette. As if they couldn’t just scroll up a little bit and catch up on the conversation, the Out of the Loop texter will ask a question that’s been covered through the last thirty-six texts.
4. The Defeated
Some group texts have the tendency to zigzag into several unrelated topics and plans. First it’s dinner, then it’s a party, then it’s dinner tomorrow, then it’s commentary about life, then it’s a youtube video. This person isn’t having it. ’I dont even care anymore,’ this deflated soul croaks. ‘This has gone long enough. Somebody please just pick something.’
5. Mr. No Response
In most group texts, a few people are totally silent. They refrain for answering any questions or showing any sign of involvement, perhaps out of disinterest, shadiness, or something else. Once plans have been made, it’s not until a few people go: ‘hey, has anybody heard from him?’ or’ ‘is he in this group?’ that he answers with a quick, ‘yeah, I’ll be there,’ or ‘can’t make it, sorry.’
6. The Defensive Coordinator
The group text initiator will send an invitation, like this: ‘Group Cuddle Sesh, 9 PM, my place’ Then, they’ll sign it off with a: ‘and please, if you have any questions, DON’T ask them here. Ask me directly.’ What generally follows is a two or three hour silence.
But it’s not guaranteed. All it takes is for one ignorant soul to ask: ‘wait, is this happening?’ or to make one wise crack, and all hell can break loose–pet pictures, views on Steph Curry’s jumper, and maybe even Obamacare.
7. The Disgruntled
‘Please make your own group,’ this curmudgeon pleads, out of frustration to the onslaught of text messages that have nothing to do with his or her life. Guess this one was solved with the new iPhone features, but The Disgruntled was a classic character for quite a while before that time.
8. Person Who Confuses Personal Questions with Group Questions
There are nine people in the group. “Hey Danny, you end up getting that girls number?”
9. The Head of State
The Head of State is probably the most vital to the group survival. When people are busy insulting other’s career path, political views or views on foreign policy, the Head of State is the driving force that actually has the prowess to transform this drivel into a concrete plan.
‘Can you make it tonight? Everybody answer right now, and nobody say anything except yes or no.’ They’re bold, pushy and authoritative, but it’s necessary. Without one, group texts are a sure thing to self destruct. Salute yours, today.