I don’t make new year’s resolutions for a couple of reasons, the main one being that I know I won’t be able to stick to the new regimen for more than two or three weeks. And once I return to the old ways, doing bad things, not only am I mad at myself for doing bad things, but I’m probably twice as much so because I’d just made a whole promise to myself that I’d stop doing those bad things. Basically, I’m worse off here than just keeping it the way it was and not making any resolution at all. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but it does to me.
So, here, what I do instead is make resolutions about the world. Not about me. Most likely none of these will actually go away, but it’s a little pretty to think so. It’s therapeutic. I can hate on the world, everybody else, without having to think about myself or have any responsibility, although I’m probably the person who needs the most rectifying. Meaning, I really had to jumble through my head to come up with this list of five items, but I know I can make a 20-30 items list about myself instantly. It would go: 1) write better, 2) hate less 3) drink less. But, luckily, this article isn’t about me. It’s about people.
1. People’s inability to even: Everybody, no matter how nutty or one of a kind the experience you’re going through is, your tongue is lying. You can even, because you just did! You experienced it, so you did even, right? Example: the other day I was at Hollywood and Vine and I watched a group of about ten dudes beating the utter shit out of each other. It was the first time I’d seen anything like this, and its reality was shocking to me. I’ve seen fights, but this was American History X. These guys were fighting to kill, it seemed. In a matter of seconds, the entire intersection, cars and pedestrians alike, had paused to appreciate the spectacle. Cops came shortly after and I saw some of the brawlers get batted with cop batons, which was pretty dope, too. The point is, while I watched this, for a second, I actually thought I couldn’t even, but then I did even, and I lived to tell my friends about it with fresh language. If I could even here, you could even, too.
2. Engagements: The first few engagements were pretty exciting to talk about, but now it’s starting to fuel a new channel of anxiety. I hope they can be entirely put on pause for 2015, or, if not, at least reduced in frequency.
3. Lane closures: If you live in LA you know how abysmal traffic already is. We don’t need more self-inflicted wounds!
4. Literally: It seems as though you can throw this adverb into a stupid point or title and people somehow think saying this makes what they’re saying more appealing. ‘I literally need to eat.’ ‘I’m literally losing my mind.’ You don’t need to use this word.
5. Faith in humanity: Only very few people’s faith in humanity actually matter. Philosophers, epic writers, religious spokespeople. This Buzzfeed writer’s faith in humanity means nothing to us. You don’t deserve to have a faith in humanity until you’ve accomplished something or a group of people who care about your faith. Secondly, if you’ve lost your F in H, or you go around saying you’re starting to lose my F in H, my question to you is only one thing: how were you dumb enough to have it in the first place?