LA’s finer parts, like the Lemonade in West Hollywood can be tough places to blend in. With unprecedented levels of judgment, pretense, and other forms of self-importance inspired out of vague involvement in the entertainment industry looming in the air, one should aspire to showcase their A game in the aforementioned venues, or others of the like. I offered 9 pointers to LA success here; below are 10 more.
If they do end up working for you and you make a lot of money here, I’d like credit— preferably Venmo credits. If not, I’ll see you in court. K thanks.
1. Never just walk away from talking to somebody, have a blunt yet polite reason. “Nice talking to you, but I’m waiting on a friend,” or “just have to say hi to somebody,” are some effective lines. If the person you were talking to was naive enough to believe that there was actually someone you had to see, they might say: “you never came back!” To which you say: “Yeah, my bad, got held up.”
2. Call yourself fat. Your BMI has nothing to do with it—whether you’re technically underweight, normal or overweight, you should consider yourself fat and if you actually have the nerve to say something like: “I’m at a place in my life where I’ve invested enough hours into my body and health and like how I look right now,” people will roll their eyes.
3. Urth Cafe. Go there.
4. Dress Hypocrisy. Wear a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, don’t shave, and comb your hair vaguely in the direction of the right or the left. Talk about your artistic endeavors over coffee or brunch, then make fun of hipsters.
5. Apologize and say “So sorry, I just have to answer this real quick,” when needing to use your phone. But take as long as you would have, anyway.
6 Judge a person’s professional, social and sexual competency from their instagram statistics. If they average postings in triple digits, they’re an all out great person out there. Speaking of which, my recent posting barely eclipsed 60, and I haven’t been digesting my food well since.
7. Lag on emails. If you meet somebody who’s reaching out for help, whether in the professional or personal realm, let them wait for your response. What’s the rush? Given your nearly unmanageable to-do list, you don’t always have it in you to respond in a timely manner.
8. Act Poor. With this comes the responsibility to deflect from anything that boasts success.
The question comes up: why buy a $1000 suit if you’re too modest to even let people know, but that’s a separate story. For example a buddy of mine just bought a BMW, which elicited a lot of comments in the lines of , “wow, someone must be doing well” sort, but his instinctual response seemed to consistently be: “Ah, right, now I’m in even more debt,” except I know for a fact he’s never been in debt.
9. ADD – blame everything you do wrong on ADD. If you forget someone’s name, ADD. If you forget about a meeting you had planned, ADD. If you forget to answer a text, ADD. In Essence, ADD is synonymous for: “Yeah, I wasn’t giving a shit when that happened.”
10. Have a problem: In LA, it’s good to have problems. Sex addictions, alcoholism, or workaholic-ism are very in right now. Sushi addiction—my personal problem—won’t get you as popular as the aforementioned, but it’s a noble cause too.