The modern world can be a cruel place. One where you feel surrounded by a cloud of loneliness when in reality, we have never been easier to reach. The paradox in the ease at which we can connect and feel close to each other via Gchat, text or snap or any other form, is that each moment not taken to talk, to not connect, implies a form of snubness, given that it’s so simple to do. There are other annoying things, too, but I don’t feel like getting it to them right now.
The times are-a-changin’, and in light of this we have new ways of extending our warm regards, our thoughts to one another. The days of the Christmas greeting card are over. Now we rely on the email, or the FB message, or, most conveniently of all, the Facebook ‘like.’ These are very easy to do—you just go on Facebook, read something, and click ‘like,’ which reminds this person that you are in their thoughts, that you remember them. If you’re running low on ‘likes,’ or if the lack of them is getting to you, which it does for me from time to time, here are some tips to repel that trend:
1. Go to Law School
You don’t actually have to go, just say you are going. A buddy of mine, for instance, was once walking to UCLA Law School, after he ate some Diddy Riese, a joint famous for making ice cream and cookie sandwiches. He therefore made his status, while in the midst of munching down his ice cream and cookie concoction, ‘on the way to UCLA Law.’ When he checked his Facebook later that night, he was stunned to discover over two hundred likes, and a plethora of wish you the best comments.
2. Make an Ironic Observation about Life
This may require some intellect, or observational skill which you might lack. But if used correctly, this can send you soaring into Facebook relevance within minutes, since most of the stuff that pops up on people’s newsfeed is redundant, drivels content, such as this article, or ’27 things you never knew about chairs,’ which you might click on out of boredom. If you can make fun of yourself in this comment, even better.
3. Change your profile picture.
This is one of the most efficient and effective ways to remind people that you exist.
4. Get married
In actuality very few people are happy you got married — it only makes the single people more miserable. Married? Where’s my prince/ess? My biological clock! But, the only thing you care about, and should care about, is how you basically turn into Bey and Hova for a couple of months.
5. Start a relationship
A girl I was friends with once grew anxious at her trend of decreasing Facebook relevancy. She came to me, as a friend, and said: “God damn it, Jeremy. Let’s be in a relationship for the day.” I saw nothing to lose, although there totally was, so I was on board. Within two hours of publishing this status, my “girlfriend” and I felt as though we were on CNN. Realizing how much explaining we would have to do if we were to continue on, we mutually agreed to “break up,” but I experienced this phenomenon first hand.
6. Start a business
Whether you actually work on it, or have any sort of guideline to your business whatsoever, is irrelevant to the equation. What matters is how you portray it. Talk about your growth, your bildungsroman, what else has brought you to such a prolific moment, to make this announcement, much like how an actor would after receiving a grammy.
7. Be a girl
Be a girl, and post a photo of yourself. You can be doing anything. Standing, smiling, dressed like a cat, or hanging out on the beach. Not only will likes flourish, but countless people will remind you of all your redeeming qualities. Some might even say that “they can’t even” or “want to die,” out of some sort of overwhelming admiration to a picture of your face, but don’t take this seriously. These people don’t want to die! They want to live! They want to live and be free!
8. Talk about a relative that died
Most likely this dead person, just like alive people, was an asshole. Being dead does not make you a better person, though people tend to think it does. Most old people, let’s face it, are annoying. Once in a while you meet those legendary grandpas, like mine, who pours vodka into his Corona beer, but for the most part, let’s be real. You never cared about this person too much, but your commemorating Facebook status immediately turns you into a civil rights MLK sort of character, which people like. Keep it up.
Move to New York, or San Francisco, or somewhere. Basically wherever you were before, make a status about you leaving. In the former city, you might’ve wondered whether anybody actually liked you. But drop a line about being thankful to live in x city for x amount of years, and that you’re excited to move to y city, and holy shit. Suddenly you’ve ascended from ‘like’ peasantry to a Facebook rockstar out there.
10. Wear a suit, and/or bow tie
Perhaps the male equivalent of the infamous bikini shot, your suit and tie, and a pocket square if you really know what you’re doing, is a surefire way to boost any far fetched similarity you have to Don Draper. Put a picture of you with a bowtie, not looking at the camera, drink in hand, and this will get you back in the news.
All said, Facebook freaks me out, and I wish it didn’t exist.