Not like that, you perv. Why are you always thinking about those types of things? How old are we here?
Anyway, as I carry on through life with the mind of a neurotic, over-analytical egotistical (any more self-hating adjectives we can throw in there? No, 3 will do.) I notice that in certain scenarios I am forced to put things, that I really, really don’t want to have anything to do with, into my mouth. If I had my way I would toss these objects into the trash, but I am only a servant in God’s world and I trying to accept things as they are. Presented below is a list of some of the most disgusting things that I sometimes have to put in my mouth.
1. Flat Coke
Flat Coke seems to embody the spoiled, the great gone awful, the pinnacle of depressing decay. What could have been explosive, happy, and joyful with flavor is not nauseating and truly repulsive. It’s so bad. It’s just so bad. However, you have ten minutes to party, there’s no time to hit CVS and drinking needs to be done, so that the Uber comes on time, so that you get to the bar on time, so that Jessica sees you in a good mood, so Jessica likes you, you hit it off, date, comment on each other’s instagrams and then break up and do it all over again. These things are just way too important to forgo in fear of the gagging flat coke stimulates.
Furthermore, Chasing with water, you learned freshman year, blows. It’s harder than just taking it straight. I hate flat coke, enough to write about it here, but when presented with the option of chasing poison with saliva or flat coke, I think I’ll side with the latter.
2. Stale Bagels
Sometimes I think I’d rather swallow sand or clay than chew on a stale piece of bread that requires my jaw to work like an Egyptian slave in order to break down. Stale bagels, with their absent flavor and awkward texture can nearly ruin an entire meal.
However, I came to a crossroads a few days ago when I actually DID go to Trader Joe’s and DID remember to refrigerate the cream cheese and lox. How proud was I of actually having groceries? Words can’t explain. Alternatively, the pain I felt in seeing that I had left the bagel bag open to be stiffened by air was nearly tragic. Starvation was an option, too. Trust me, I have willfully starved myself of breakfast many-a-times, telling my greedy stomach to shut the fuck up until lunch. That, I’ve learned, seems to taint your entire day, while a stale bagel will just ruin an hour. Falling into the trap of intense rumination, and also seeing that my only alternatives to this “gourmet” breakfast included spoiled milk and expired cereal, I had no choice but to put this disgusting thing in my mouth.
3. Uncapped toothpaste
I don’t think I will ever understand why everything bad in the bathroom—lint, dust, fallen strands of hair, napkins—feel so compelled to attach themselves to the end of my uncapped toothpaste tube. Its tip hardening at this moment, as it leaks out of the tip, the end of an uncapped toothpaste tube seems to be offering all these inanimate objects the minerals for extended life. I would use my roommate’s toothpaste, but I’ve done that the last three times without his permission, and I would assume that he’s starting to get suspicious. Seeing that I’ve done this again, I ponder the option of trashing the tube altogether. I give it a very thorough thought. Can floss and mouthwash do the job? The answer is no. You will have Yom Kippur breath for the entire day.
Gross toothpaste enters mouth.
4. Just washed silverware
A whole nice meal has been prepared. Rice, salad, steak, veggies—granted, everything a bit too oily to retain any nutritional value, but it beats Micky D’s and Haagen Dahz—only to discover that every piece of silverware is soaked in yellow water in my sink. Plastic silverware? All used, and you doubt that they could even pierce the surface of that thick steak, anyway.
What option is there but to grab a gooey sponge, douse it in soap and clean a few sets of silverware?
Yet I find that even after going through all this, I doubt my ability to wash dishes effectively, much like everything else. They look okay and clean, but I can’t stop thinking that I’ve left some speckles of dishwashing soap, which is now in my mouth, in my throat, which is going to make me sick and up all night. It almost makes me not want to eat at all.
5. Bottom of cereal.
It’s appalling, isn’t it, how the upper levels of a bag of cereal seem to carry such wonder, magic and joy, while the bottom, with its dusty, shapeless mush, is so gross? But back to our earlier issue with stale bread, when it comes to breakfast, any load of junk beats starving. So, eat it. Eat that weird, dusty stuff mixed with milk.
6. Keurig Coffee
It’s bad and it’s sad—because it looks like the real thing, and you so desperately crave for the real thing, but it’s not. It’s bitter, makes your stomach hurt and your head gets no buzz. But, once a junkie always a junkie, and when it’s one of those days that you actually need to work hard via appearing to work hard, a twenty-five minute walk to get coffee is somewhat out of the question, and this is all we get.
The resolution: avoid putting all of these things into my mouth for the remainder of 2014.