If you are looking to have this be some type of advice column on how to more easily hit the sack, it’s not. In fact if you are in any active or close relationship I would suggest you stop right now, since I assume these ideas could only do you harm. Regardless, less preparation, more presentation (not sure if that made sense):
1. The term ‘Mature’:
Examples: “Women mature earlier than guys do after college.” “It takes guys more time to mature.” “She needs a boyfriend that’s more mature.”
Actual meaning: This term has zero to do with the development of your facial hair, the way you dress, or how well you hold your liquor. It refers to one thing—marriage-happy. If you are trying to get married you’re mature, and if you’re not, then you might as well be a prepubescent. The term has nothing to do with anything about actual maturity other than how down the dude is for marriage.
2. The term, ‘asshole’:
Examples: Unnecessary, I’m sure you hear it everyday.
Meaning: For some reason I can’t quite comprehend, I’m down for this dude. Other meanings—hot, turns me on, I’m strangely down.
3. Things together:
Examples: “I like him, but he doesn’t have his shit together.” “I hope he can get things together soon.” “He doesn’t have things put together.”
Meaning: This phrase is a plain and simple euphemistic reference to your monthly income. If this line gets dropped on you, then you don’t make enough skrilla to her accommodations. On the flip side, you can be a bum who inherits a large sum. Suddenly you have everything in this life put together!
4. Good family:
Example: “One of the best things about him is that he comes from a good family.”
Meaning: His parents are loaded doe.
Example: “Hey,” asks the guy. “I’m having an emotional breakdown and need some help. Can you give me a call?” “I’m busy.”
Meaning: Nein! A double-meaning term not exclusive to women holds a cruel undertone. “Busy,” in essence, is a rock-solid deferment from any obligation to the relationship, which enables the woman to escape without any guilt tripping, because for all you know, she might actually be busy. And of course if you accuse her of this, she will absolutely invent some brilliant story to back her busy claim. The word busy is probably a girl’s best friend. Even more brutal is our next term.
6. The dead phone:
Example: “I texted you thirteen times, called six. Why didn’t you answer?”
“My phone was dead.”
Meaning: Fuck you. (I’ve gotten this way too many times. Either my interpretation is true or I have an uncanny talent for killing phones telekinetically.)
Examples: “He’s nice, I guess.”
Meaning: He sucks. Please find a diplomatic way for him to get the hell away from me immediately.
Examples: “I like a guy who’s romantic.”
Meaning: I don’t. I lie.
9. Settle Down:
Example: “I’m sick of this whole thing. I just want to settle down.”
Meaning: A whole novel could be written on the thought of settle down, but first and foremost it means: I’m sad. Life is dissatisfying and boring, and instead of taking a look inside to figure out what I should do to make it mo’ betta, I’m going to rely on finding a guy who meets my criteria.