There are morning people, daytime people, nighttime people, and people who just suck all the time. I would probably be in the last category, but for the sake of the article I should probably pick one—it would most likely be a nighttime person. This is not to say that I become productive or more interesting at nighttime—just that it’s my hour that I try to get most things done, and usually fail. I’ve tried time and time again to be a morning person, but I unfortunately can’t seem to make it happen. Here’s why: My Morning Plight.
It’s off because I’ve undergone the morning routine every single morning of every single day of my life, yet it always begins the same way.
1. The What The Hell, Where Am I Phase?
The iPhone rings, boasting in schadenfreude, it seems. If it were a person, I could imagine it going, “nanananana,” in some annoying, childish goody-two-shoes voice. I bought you, iPhone, and this is what you’re doing to me? I can break you, iPhone, except that would only cost me more money. And I already wasted more money than I’d like to because of my dumb decision to not buy you a case.
It keeps ringing in that tone I despise so much.
Can I squeeze in a few minutes, I greedily think.
Now, now, Jim, let’s talk about this. These minutes are crucial. Each minute you waste here like a broken down hack you directly increase the chances of getting to the office late. Let’s not forget what you did yesterday, and the day before that, when you selfishly chose to snooze these extra ten minutes. On top of that, if you aspire to become a well rounded, successful individual then getting out of bed should not be such a dramatic ordeal, anyway. Now, Jim, I ask you, with all these signs pointing to how you should get your ass out of bed and begin your day, what will it be?
Be quiet. I want to sleep.
Is that your final answer, Jim?
Hit the snooze button.
Repeat two more times–We begin the day on the right foot—twenty minutes behind schedule.
2. The What Is the Meaning of Life Phase
Once I finally bring my rusty, smelly body out of the delicious warmth of my soft sheets, the mental struggle ensues. I’m so tired I could probably fall asleep standing up in my bathroom. Is success even worth it if I have to undergo this trauma each morning? Screw money; I’d rather sleep.
Why do I sign up for this? Is the point of life just to wake up early and be pissed off so you can do it all over again? A few more unanswerable, cynical questions which eventually coalesce into what is the meaning of life?
While I stand there, waiting for the shower water to get hot, I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge of a philosophical breakthrough. As I liken myself to a modern-day revolutionary voice, I think I’m on to something here—optimistic about this idea’s density, yet slightly cautious, since I’ve learned not to fall in immediate love with some of the stuff this mind makes up.
Relax, dude. Who cares? Get in the shower, we’re late.
3. The I Should Have Been Writing Phase
Once I get out of the shower and begin dressing, it shocks me how much energy I have. Boom. What was I complaining about? This being-awake shit is awesome! I’m ready to do just about anything in the damn world, but shit, I have to get to work.
And that’s why you’re an idiot and should’ve woken up an hour earlier. With that hour you could have written something beautiful. You could’ve had a whole nice breakfast with it, too. Speaking of which: Stop sleeping. It’s a waste of time.
This series of thoughts inspires me into a grandiose pledge:
Dear people inside my head! From now on, we will be instituting a system of maximum efficiency and self-respect! Can you hear me in the back? My brain cells say yes. From this day forward, ladies and gentlemen of the Jim Eliahu Society, we will be waking up one hour earlier, at 6:30. With that hour we will work harder toward our goals, and be more like Jordan Belfort.
We know how that ends up.
4. The What Do I Eat Phase
Cereal? No—I’m not trying to have a stomach cramp this early.
Bagels—uch, they’re stale. I’d rather slice a finger off than eat a stale bagel. Cream cheese also grosses me out unless it’s brand new.
Eggs—I’m not cleaning a used pan and then cooking and serving right now. I’m just not trying to deal with that right now, plain and simple. Besides, they say that if you eat eggs everyday you die– I don’t mind dying but if I do I don’t want it to be for the reason of eating too many eggs.
I typically end up toasting a piece of bread and spreading on some jelly and cottage cheese. How I can eat cottage cheese but refuse cream cheese, I’m not sure. But after four bites I feel like puking so I end up scrapping it and deciding to starve until lunch.
5. The F*** It, Let’s Just Have Coffee Phase
Everything works out when you bring coffee into the picture. Room for cream and sugar? Yes. Absolutely. Unlike the previous four phases, this is the only one that brings any sort of satisfaction.
All this to explain why I could never be a morning person.