I really don’t like these lists, but since I don’t think any established publishing houses are busting at my door to publish my half-written, plot-less novel I figured I might as well. Instituting a Howard Roark-esque refusal of the ‘list-age’ would only be making this dire situation worse.
Below is an article designed for people outside of Los Angeles who are curious about moving to this magnificent city. Following these steps will quickly install you as an interesting and popular person in LA. Without further ado: 9 ways to be an LA person.
1. Complain About Stuff.
Find and observe stuff. Identify things that piss you off, and what you’d like to complain about, and begin! Here are a handful of things to get you started with. While using a whiney voice, read and repeat your preferred complaints:
- Everything is so spread out.
- Meh. Everything closes earlyyy. Meh.
- Ukh. I hate traffic.
- Ukh. Cabs are so expensive.
- Ukh. It’s too hot.
- Ukh. It’s too cold.
- There are too many people here.
Say these things and keep saying them and you’ll be LA before you know it!
2. Announce That You Have Stopped Drinking, And Then Drink.
Because LA natives are healthy, mature people, sometimes we must accept that binge drinking and hangovers contradict our interior core. This leads an LA person to announce: “I’m not drinking anymore!” (I have done this twelve times). This phase typically lasts four days, maybe even a whole week. It ends when the native realizes that without drinking, there is nothing to say or do, unless people are asking you for a ride home. This is clearly no fun. The drink is back on. YOLO and that stuff.
3. Don’t just work out; Let everybody know!
Scientists argue that nearly 50% of the motive to work out in LA is to achieve the image of a “healthy person,” which is a groundbreaking statistic that I just made up. Nonetheless, working out gets you an unprecedented amount of LA points. There are plenty of ways to execute this. If you go on a hike, Insta that ish! If you’re running errands after yoga, you’d be a fool to change! If you’ve been lifting weights, let people know about how frequently you’re going, what you lift and what you think of your progress. Etc.
4. Talk about your screenplay when you are drunk.
You don’t actually need to write it. In fact it’s probably better if you don’t. This is pretty self-explanatory. Write out a nice outline for which you’re pretty confident would have Leo DiCaprio as the perfect casting for lead. Mention how you might even have a connect, because your frat bro works for one of those annoying 3-letter agencies full of pompous schmucks, and so he knows a guy, who had lunch with a guy, who is the former assistant to Leo. This is your time to crush it, bro.
5. Tell People You Are Going to Move.
For various reasons, a native often holds steep wishes for ditching LA and “experiencing the world.” However, do not confuse this statement with a passionate desire to travel the Amazon or take up a new lifestyle in Thailand. In fact, this most often refers to doing the same exact things done in LA but in New York City instead. People usually drop this line during coffee on a particularly boring Sunday, or on a Saturday night where they couldn’t get in to any bars. Before you say this, though, you must have your reasons prepared, otherwise your friends will stump you. Here are a few you can use. “I’m tired of driving everywhere!” “In San Fran you don’t need a car!” Nobody moves, though.
6. From Time to Time, Don’t Answer Your Phone.
Each LA person is busy, loved by all, and committed to many things. Therefore it should be understood that sometimes the phone takes a second seat, although it’s rare to find an LA person without their eyes glued to their iPhone. Phone call? Let it snooze. Text from someone you don’t know too well? Give it half an hour. Let it ride. Doing this quickly makes you hard to reach, or maybe even intriguing—a quality vital to character in this city. However I must advise that you exercise caution with this one. If overdone, one quickly walks the slippery slope of a “shady person,” which only counteracts these astute efforts.
7. Kale everywhere.
It’s not complicated, just keep eating the kales. You can find them at a Whole Foods or a Trader Joe’s please. The kales are the goods.
8. Be Stressed/overwhelmed.
You don’t actually have to work, nor do you even have to care about the little things that you are stressed about. But you must play the part! This is vital! If you’re running errands, like buying milk, or returning a shirt, these are fantastic opportunities to boast the struggle that is your modern life. Don’t say: “I’m going to the dry cleaners in ten minutes.” Do say: “Ughh! OMFG. I have to go to the Dry Cleaners. Ugghh. This is so annoying!” You want your audience to respond in a way that resembles this: My god! You poor thing! How tough this life is on you!
9. Turn People Down.
Of course people want to hang out with you. You are great looking, successful, healthy and intelligent. And somehow you are able to manage all the aspects of your hectic life, which probably includes not paying for your rent or food. Therefore when some nice, friendly new person wishes to make your acquaintance, he or she must fight for the honor. What makes them deserve it right away? If they are brave enough to ask, tell them you are going out of town, or even better, just “way too busy right now.” Or if you’re brave enough, you can even drop the “I will hit you up” line, which in essence means, leave me the **** alone.
Hope you’ve learned a few nice lessons about what life in Los Angeles is like! I hope you like!